*** Official Friday Silliness ***

w00t! TGIF! A much better week than last but none-the-less, it's Friday and time for a little unwinding before the weekend. Speaking of which, if you're in central TX and have no compassion for your taste-buds, join me at the Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival on Sunday.

The divorcees knife set:

Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

The following are supposedly actual winning analogies in the "worst
analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaak/ch@ng by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be burried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a drier without "Cling-Free."

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayola crayon.

The Law is the Law.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This
guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to
the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start
of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that
no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative

Land and Water Management Division

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to
respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across
the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful
use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge
your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or
any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you
could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers; or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all
those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection
Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994 being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam
concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event
causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their
dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them,
they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as
the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should
be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you
are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears
are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam
request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I
am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

Little Johnnie complains to his dad one night that he's very upset with his teacher... "Everyday after recess we have WORD OF THE DAY. The teacher asks us to use a word we've just learned in a sentence. I raise my hand everyday, but she never calls on me. She always calls on Mary."

The dad tells his son that tomorrow, if the teacher doesn't call on him, he should stand up and tell her that it's NOT fair....

Next day, after recess..teacher announces that today's word is "beautiful" and she reads them the definition from the dictionary. "Now, class" she asks, "who can use the word in a sentence?"

Some hands go up, and the teacher does indeed call on Mary again. Mary stands and says...

"As I was walking to school today, the sun was shining, the birds were singing. It's a beautiful day."

As the teacher compliments Mary, little Johnny jumps up and says that it's not fair, she never calls on him, and besides, he can use the word TWICE in the same sentence..

The teacher, to her credit, realizes that she hasn't called on Johnny before, apologizes to him, smiles and tells him to proceed with his example...

Litle Johnny, beaming, stands up and says,

"As I was having breakfast with my dad this morning, my 15 year old sister came downstairs and announced that she was pregnant."

"Beautiful" said my dad, "fu**ing beautiful!"

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