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The Wisdom of Selected Staff Officers - one liner summaries
Email ^ | 20 Mar 2006 | Various

Posted on 03/19/2006 6:02:30 PM PST by Khurkris

At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "Its no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, ...way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. -- COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies.

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...]

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM) -


TOPICS: History; Military/Veterans; Miscellaneous; Music/Entertainment
KEYWORDS: militaryhumor; milspeak; tagline; taglinus; wisdom
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I received this from a USMC Col., retired, friend and thought it quite funny. I did a search and nothing came up. Enjoy the words 'o wisdom and exasperation.
1 posted on 03/19/2006 6:02:32 PM PST by Khurkris
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To: Cannoneer No. 4; Travis McGee; Former Military Chick

Mil humor. Ping the Lads


2 posted on 03/19/2006 6:03:48 PM PST by Khurkris (Don't blame me. I was out the entire day.)
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To: Khurkris
I love #3.

L

3 posted on 03/19/2006 6:06:55 PM PST by Lurker (Cuz I got one hand in my pocket and the other one is slapping a hippy.)
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To: Khurkris

Former CENTCOM staffer here. I love it. Thanks for posting.


4 posted on 03/19/2006 6:12:29 PM PST by silverleaf (Fasten your seat belts- it's going to be a BUMPY ride.)
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To: Khurkris
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker
5 posted on 03/19/2006 6:15:56 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: Khurkris; af_vet_rr; ALOHA RONNIE; American in Israel; American Soldier; archy; armymarinemom; ...

This ping is Khurkris' fault.







6 posted on 03/19/2006 6:19:04 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: Khurkris
Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED)
7 posted on 03/19/2006 6:24:33 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: Khurkris; Cannoneer No. 4

"Never pet a burning dog."


LOL!


8 posted on 03/19/2006 6:25:41 PM PST by Professional Engineer ( Happy patron saint of Engineers day! Beertender, green pocket protectors for everyone.)
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To: Cannoneer No. 4; Khurkris; Neets; Darksheare; scott0347; timpad; Conspiracy Guy; NYC GOP Chick; ...

these are excellent


9 posted on 03/19/2006 6:28:46 PM PST by King Prout (DOWN with the class-enemies at Google! LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE'S CUBE!)
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To: Khurkris
It Helps To Laugh
10 posted on 03/19/2006 6:30:27 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: Cannoneer No. 4; Khurkris
"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM) lol. So many good ones to choose from. Thanks for the ping.
11 posted on 03/19/2006 6:30:51 PM PST by snippy_about_it (Fall in --> The FReeper Foxhole. America's History. America's Soul.)
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To: Khurkris

"I'm not the madam. I'm just one of the whores." -- VII Imperial Corps, 1985.


12 posted on 03/19/2006 6:33:39 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: Cannoneer No. 4

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

That one pretty much describes my entire week at work-good stuff


13 posted on 03/19/2006 6:42:11 PM PST by 5Madman2 (There is no such thing as an experienced suicide bomber)
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To: Cannoneer No. 4
"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan

roflmao

14 posted on 03/19/2006 6:43:03 PM PST by King Prout (DOWN with the class-enemies at Google! LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE'S CUBE!)
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To: Khurkris

Well done!


15 posted on 03/19/2006 6:48:35 PM PST by Jet Jaguar
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To: Khurkris

Great tagline material!!!


16 posted on 03/19/2006 6:50:21 PM PST by Ronin
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To: King Prout

"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan

The Minivan-a man's silent scream that he lives in hell


17 posted on 03/19/2006 6:57:32 PM PST by 5Madman2 (There is no such thing as an experienced suicide bomber)
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To: Khurkris

I can identify with nearly every one of them! My finest times were as Firing Battery XO and Cannon Battery BC. Everything else was "institutional scab picking"!


18 posted on 03/19/2006 7:00:29 PM PST by Redleg Duke (Kennedy and Kerry, the two Commissars of the Peoples' Republic of Massachusetts!)
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To: Khurkris
"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

LOL! That LTC must've been in the Infantry at some point.

19 posted on 03/19/2006 7:03:41 PM PST by Future Snake Eater (The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.)
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To: Khurkris
Ping for forwarding tomorrow...
20 posted on 03/19/2006 7:04:35 PM PST by Jonah Hex ("How'd you get that scar, mister?" "Nicked myself shaving.")
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To: Cannoneer No. 4

I'll probably use that one this week! ROTFLMAO! Thanks for the ping.


21 posted on 03/19/2006 7:16:16 PM PST by I got the rope
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To: King Prout
"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.


22 posted on 03/19/2006 7:20:10 PM PST by Slings and Arrows ("Facts are a Zionist plot!" --MarkL)
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To: All

Do any of you FReepers remember the specific places you send the four different types of officers - Smart and Active, Smart and Passive, Stupid and Active, Stupid and Passive, attributed to the German General Staff circa WWI?


23 posted on 03/19/2006 7:22:26 PM PST by 185JHP ( "The thing thou purposest shall come to pass: And over all thy ways the light shall shine.")
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To: 185JHP

um... izzat anything like Sun Tsu's breakdown of "energetic/indolent" and "competent/incompetent" generals?


24 posted on 03/19/2006 7:24:38 PM PST by King Prout (DOWN with the class-enemies at Google! LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE'S CUBE!)
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To: Khurkris
If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute.

I gurantee that is NOT limited to the military -- LOL!

25 posted on 03/19/2006 7:27:06 PM PST by freedumb2003 (American troops cannot be defeated. American Politicians can.)
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To: Khurkris

Funny stuff. Gonna send it on to our nephew in Iraq (1LT).


26 posted on 03/19/2006 7:30:31 PM PST by Diver Dave
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To: Cannoneer No. 4

Good sourcing. Those 2 sites are probably the birth place of his email. Neptunus Rex most likely. Thanks!


27 posted on 03/19/2006 7:31:21 PM PST by Khurkris (Don't blame me. I was out the entire day.)
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To: Khurkris

Strategy Page had it several months ago.


28 posted on 03/19/2006 7:33:06 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: King Prout
They are all good.

And this one is pretty good.

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."

29 posted on 03/19/2006 7:33:57 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: King Prout

I haven't read much of Sun Tzu. I only remember one of the places in the thing I asked about - Stupid and Active get sent to the most dangerous place in the battle zones...


30 posted on 03/19/2006 7:40:16 PM PST by 185JHP ( "The thing thou purposest shall come to pass: And over all thy ways the light shall shine.")
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To: Redleg Duke

Firing Battery XO has got to be one of the best jobs in the Army.


31 posted on 03/19/2006 7:49:28 PM PST by Poodlebrain
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To: Victoria Delsoul

yes, that one is particularly poetic


32 posted on 03/19/2006 8:12:06 PM PST by King Prout (DOWN with the class-enemies at Google! LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE'S CUBE!)
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To: 185JHP

"An incompetent and energetic general is a clamity" - Sun Tsu


33 posted on 03/19/2006 8:13:17 PM PST by King Prout (DOWN with the class-enemies at Google! LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE'S CUBE!)
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To: Neil E. Wright

PINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


34 posted on 03/19/2006 8:24:06 PM PST by dcwusmc (The government is supposed to fit the Constitution, NOT the Constitution fit the government!)
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To: dcwusmc

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human
history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan
or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either." Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a
generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security." CPT (CJTF-180)


35 posted on 03/19/2006 8:39:20 PM PST by dcwusmc (The government is supposed to fit the Constitution, NOT the Constitution fit the government!)
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To: Victoria Delsoul

36 posted on 03/19/2006 8:43:20 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: Khurkris

My favorite from my staff officer days: "We are being told to do more and more with less and less, until eventually we will be doing everything with nothing."


37 posted on 03/19/2006 9:00:00 PM PST by LiteKeeper (Beware the secularization of America; the Islamization of Eurabia)
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To: Khurkris

Read later....


38 posted on 03/20/2006 1:53:40 AM PST by Watery Tart (Feingold (CFR-WI): "[W]hy (were my) actions necessary, appropriate, or legal?" Censure whom?)
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To: Khurkris
"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

I had the pleasure of working with an exchange NCO from the New Guinea Defense Force back in the early 80s. He was from a small hill village and sported the facial tattoos denoting his history and affiliations. In the evenings we would often talk about head hunting, cannibalism and feud warfare. There was little or no police presence in his home area, so the death feuds were still not uncommon. The look he would give to anyone who dared refer to him as “African-American” made me believe he would not be against taking the head and eating the liver.
39 posted on 03/20/2006 3:46:39 AM PST by R. Scott (Humanity i love you because when you're hard up you pawn your Intelligence to buy a drink.)
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To: freedumb2003

It well describes my Christmas shopping routine.


40 posted on 03/20/2006 3:49:09 AM PST by R. Scott (Humanity i love you because when you're hard up you pawn your Intelligence to buy a drink.)
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To: Poodlebrain; Redleg Duke; Cannoneer No. 4
Firing Battery XO has got to be one of the best jobs in the Army.

Ditto & seconded.

Since that was when I decided to get out, I should probably adopt the saying above about reaching the apex of my miserable career.

41 posted on 03/20/2006 7:41:36 AM PST by T-Bird45
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To: Khurkris
Enjoy the words 'o wisdom and exasperation.

I'm pretty sure I personally know the source of this one:

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

42 posted on 03/20/2006 10:31:20 AM PST by archy (The darkness will come. It will find you,and it will scare you like you've never been scared before.)
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To: R. Scott; Criminal Number 18F
The look he would give to anyone who dared refer to him as “African-American” made me believe he would not be against taking the head and eating the liver.

The Cambodian Khmer *banditos* we worked with circa 1969-70 thought that the liver was the tastiest part.

I have been around those who took heads, but only for trophies or for psywar reasons. I haven't run across any neat recipies. Yet.

43 posted on 03/20/2006 10:45:05 AM PST by archy (The darkness will come. It will find you,and it will scare you like you've never been scared before.)
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To: archy
I have been around those who took heads, but only for trophies or for psywar reasons. I haven't run across any neat recipies. Yet.

Most of the “recipes” I am aware of were simple – roast or stew, and raw for the liver and heart, although it was common for some of the local RVN river gunboat crews to roast the heart – strictly for ceremonial purposes.
44 posted on 03/20/2006 11:23:07 AM PST by R. Scott (Humanity i love you because when you're hard up you pawn your Intelligence to buy a drink.)
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To: Cannoneer No. 4
Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.

That one also ought to be on the list.

Note also my new/current tag line.

45 posted on 03/20/2006 1:29:55 PM PST by archy (I am General Tso. This is my Chief of Staff, Colonel Sanders....)
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To: jigsaw
Not exactly FR taglines, but worthy of Taglinus attention, methinks.... I bet some of them start showing up in FR tags.
46 posted on 03/20/2006 2:04:43 PM PST by archy (I am General Tso. This is my Chief of Staff, Colonel Sanders....)
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To: archy

ROTFLMAO!


47 posted on 03/20/2006 2:44:25 PM PST by Cannoneer No. 4 (Our enemies act on ecstatic revelations from their god. We act on the advice of lawyers.)
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To: archy

Check C-4's links at 7 & 10 for the whole boatload.


48 posted on 03/20/2006 4:40:12 PM PST by Khurkris (Don't blame me. I was out the entire day.)
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To: Khurkris; Cannoneer No. 4; Travis McGee; Former Military Chick; silverleaf
Check C-4's links at 7 & 10 for the whole boatload.

They left out one of the best:

Of every One-Hundred men, Ten shouldn't even be there,
Eighty are nothing but targets,
Nine are real fighters...
We are lucky to have them...They make the battle,
Ah, but the One, One of them is a Warrior...
and He will bring the others back!

- Heraclitus [circa 500 BC]


49 posted on 03/21/2006 12:33:00 PM PST by archy (I am General Tso. This is my Chief of Staff, Colonel Sanders....)
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To: indcons; Pharmboy; Berosus; Cincinatus' Wife; Convert from ECUSA; dervish; ...
I liked this one:
"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."
I really liked this one:
"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

50 posted on 03/22/2006 9:09:48 AM PST by SunkenCiv (Yes indeed, Civ updated his profile and links pages again, on Monday, March 6, 2006.)
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