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Keyword: militaryhumor

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  • Military Absentee Ballots Delivered One Day Late, Would Have Swung Election For Romney (Satire)

    11/08/2012 6:38:38 AM PST · by Jedidah · 17 replies
    The Duffle Blog ^ | Nov. 7, 2012
    WASHINGTON, DC – Sources confirmed today that hundreds of thousands of military absentee ballots were delivered hours after the deadline for them to be counted, with preliminary counts showing that they would have overturned the vote in several states and brought a victory for Governor Mitt Romney. Officials say the ballots were delivered late due to problems within the military mail system. Tracking invoices show the ballots sat in a warehouse for a month, then they were accidentally labeled as ammunition and shipped to Afghanistan. At Camp Dwyer, Marine Sergeant John Davis signed for them and was surprised at the...
  • Military rules, by Service

    12/25/2009 12:42:58 AM PST · by bushpilot1 · 33 replies · 1,481+ views
    The Strategy Page ^ | 24 December 2009 | unknown
    Marine Corps Rules: 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 3. Have a plan. 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ­ even your friends… 6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4." 7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.) 9....
  • USMC - Humor

    09/14/2008 10:56:52 AM PDT · by stylin19a · 15 replies · 306+ views
    Did ya' hear the one about... A crusty old Marine Sgt. Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local libeal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young and idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes ma'am. A lot of action" The young lady, tiring...
  • Marine Corps Humor

    09/01/2007 11:03:20 AM PDT · by SuzyQ2 · 26 replies · 2,103+ views
    NRO ^ | September 1, 2007 | W. Thomas Smith Jr.
    Ralph Peters this morning on Marine Corps humor compels me to share my own bit of the same, which I was actually saving for a forthcoming piece. He beats me to the punch on writing a piece on Marine humor, so here is one from the vault.
  • THE MARINE AND THE INSURGENT

    08/02/2006 7:55:54 AM PDT · by maeng · 4 replies · 503+ views
    The Marine and the Insurgent A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the...
  • Military Humor (Not Child Safe)

    07/08/2006 11:58:45 AM PDT · by SandRat · 11 replies · 1,201+ views
    BEWARE THE K-10 SENTRY! A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when...
  • Military Humor (and Wisdom) (Funny Stuff!)

    04/18/2006 9:15:30 AM PDT · by areafiftyone · 13 replies · 615+ views
    Chron Watch ^ | 4/18/06
    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."              - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.--------------------------------------------------------------------------"Aim toward the Enemy."    &nb sp;         -  Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher--------------------------------------------------------------------------"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."              - U.S. Marine Corps---------------------------- ----------------------------------------------"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.  The bombs are absolutely guaranteed to hit the ground."              -...
  • Looking for jokes about US Army (VANITY-Nothing tasteless, just funny)

    04/03/2006 6:01:27 PM PDT · by curtisgardner · 64 replies · 1,603+ views
    I was looking around the internet for some funny jokes about the US army but couldnt find much. Does anyone have any funny jokes about this subject to pass along? im obviously not looking for anything tasteless, just a few zingers to tell a former army man. Thanks to all who contribute.
  • The Wisdom of Selected Staff Officers - one liner summaries

    03/19/2006 6:02:30 PM PST · by Khurkris · 50 replies · 1,398+ views
    Email ^ | 20 Mar 2006 | Various
    At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM) "'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR) "I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt." "None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM) "We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings "Things are looking up for...
  • Military Oaths Of Enlistment (Humor)

    01/25/2006 12:48:48 AM PST · by FreedomCalls · 44 replies · 1,334+ views
    Soldier's Angel ^ | 01/19/06 | Unknown
    All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff: US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life...
  • Feelings

    01/13/2006 4:26:29 PM PST · by sasquatch · 30 replies · 1,146+ views
    a friend in Reno | today | sasquatch
    December 9, 2005 (CNN) While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
  • Don't mess with Navy SEALS

    09/26/2005 12:09:51 PM PDT · by Cyclone59 · 39 replies · 3,621+ views
    Subject: Don't screw with a Navy Seal! Two things Navy SEALS are always taught: 1. Keep your priorities in order 2. Know when to act without hesitation A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!! The lecture room fell silent. You could hear...
  • Funny Special Forces Vs Rangers joke -

    04/22/2005 7:37:04 PM PDT · by SevenMinusOne · 68 replies · 3,125+ views
    Rangers Versus Special Forces: Hostage Rescue Discussion Board on this Military Joke The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen? Ranger Option Forces/Equipment Committed: If the...
  • 1 US Marine (Joke)

    05/15/2005 3:53:05 PM PDT · by jakerobins · 8 replies · 763+ views
    A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!" The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!" Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,again silence. The American voice...
  • Congressman says Syria nuke comment a joke

    03/04/2005 4:07:16 PM PST · by demlosers · 20 replies · 660+ views
    .kansascity.com ^ | Mar. 04, 2005
    Associated Press DALLAS - A congressman who raised eyebrows with recent remarks about personally wanting to drop a nuclear bomb on Syria now says he was joking. The Feb. 19 remarks by Rep. Sam Johnson, R-Texas, at a church pancake breakfast were first reported this week in Roll Call. The Capitol Hill newspaper reported it had heard a recording of the talk made by someone in attendance. According to Roll Call, Johnson said he was talking with President Bush and GOP Rep. Kay Granger at the White House about weapons of mass destruction that troops failed to find in Iraq....
  • Perspectives (spec ops humor)

    02/23/2005 2:58:21 PM PST · by ma bell · 18 replies · 1,072+ views
    Perspectives An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit." An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!" A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at...
  • An Act of God.....and the U.S. Army

    02/23/2005 6:37:30 PM PST · by davidosborne · 52 replies · 2,272+ views
    E-Mail | UNKNOWN | UNKNOWN
    Subject: One for the Army Boys things Army Rangers are always taught: Keep your priorities in order Know when to act without hesitation A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!" The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten...
  • Army Joke- Killing a Snake in the (AO)

    02/23/2005 10:28:40 AM PST · by ArmyBratproud · 61 replies · 2,228+ views
    e-mail | Feb 23 2005
    Got this from a pal at Benning. Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO): * Paratrooper: Kills the snake. * Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes. * Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat." * Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake." * Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake" * Ranger: Plays with the...
  • The FReeper Foxhole - Military Humor, Part 3 - February 7th, 2005

    02/06/2005 9:23:54 PM PST · by snippy_about_it · 169 replies · 1,676+ views
    see educational sources
    Lord, Keep our Troops forever in Your care Give them victory over the enemy... Grant them a safe and swift return... Bless those who mourn the lost. . FReepers from the Foxhole join in prayer for all those serving their country at this time. ...................................................................................... ........................................... U.S. Military History, Current Events and Veterans Issues Where Duty, Honor and Countryare acknowledged, affirmed and commemorated. Our Mission: The FReeper Foxhole is dedicated to Veterans of our Nation's military forces and to others who are affected in their relationships with Veterans. In the FReeper Foxhole, Veterans or their family members should feel...
  • The FReeper Foxhole - Military Humor, Part 2 - February 6th, 2005

    02/06/2005 8:31:36 AM PST · by snippy_about_it · 80 replies · 1,895+ views
    see educational sources
    Lord, Keep our Troops forever in Your care Give them victory over the enemy... Grant them a safe and swift return... Bless those who mourn the lost. . FReepers from the Foxhole join in prayer for all those serving their country at this time. ...................................................................................... ........................................... U.S. Military History, Current Events and Veterans Issues Where Duty, Honor and Countryare acknowledged, affirmed and commemorated. Our Mission: The FReeper Foxhole is dedicated to Veterans of our Nation's military forces and to others who are affected in their relationships with Veterans. In the FReeper Foxhole, Veterans or their family members should feel...