Keyword: militaryhumor

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Military Absentee Ballots Delivered One Day Late, Would Have Swung Election For Romney (Satire)

    11/08/2012 6:38:38 AM PST · by Jedidah · 17 replies
    The Duffle Blog ^ | Nov. 7, 2012
    WASHINGTON, DC – Sources confirmed today that hundreds of thousands of military absentee ballots were delivered hours after the deadline for them to be counted, with preliminary counts showing that they would have overturned the vote in several states and brought a victory for Governor Mitt Romney. Officials say the ballots were delivered late due to problems within the military mail system. Tracking invoices show the ballots sat in a warehouse for a month, then they were accidentally labeled as ammunition and shipped to Afghanistan. At Camp Dwyer, Marine Sergeant John Davis signed for them and was surprised at the...
  • Military rules, by Service

    12/25/2009 12:42:58 AM PST · by bushpilot1 · 33 replies · 1,481+ views
    The Strategy Page ^ | 24 December 2009 | unknown
    Marine Corps Rules: 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 3. Have a plan. 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ­ even your friends… 6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4." 7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.) 9....
  • USMC - Humor

    09/14/2008 10:56:52 AM PDT · by stylin19a · 15 replies · 306+ views
    Did ya' hear the one about... A crusty old Marine Sgt. Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local libeal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young and idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes ma'am. A lot of action" The young lady, tiring...
  • Marine Corps Humor

    09/01/2007 11:03:20 AM PDT · by SuzyQ2 · 26 replies · 2,103+ views
    NRO ^ | September 1, 2007 | W. Thomas Smith Jr.
    Ralph Peters this morning on Marine Corps humor compels me to share my own bit of the same, which I was actually saving for a forthcoming piece. He beats me to the punch on writing a piece on Marine humor, so here is one from the vault.
  • THE MARINE AND THE INSURGENT

    08/02/2006 7:55:54 AM PDT · by maeng · 4 replies · 503+ views
    The Marine and the Insurgent A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the...
  • Military Humor (Not Child Safe)

    07/08/2006 11:58:45 AM PDT · by SandRat · 11 replies · 1,201+ views
    BEWARE THE K-10 SENTRY! A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when...
  • Military Humor (and Wisdom) (Funny Stuff!)

    04/18/2006 9:15:30 AM PDT · by areafiftyone · 13 replies · 615+ views
    Chron Watch ^ | 4/18/06
    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."              - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.--------------------------------------------------------------------------"Aim toward the Enemy."    &nb sp;         -  Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher--------------------------------------------------------------------------"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."              - U.S. Marine Corps---------------------------- ----------------------------------------------"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.  The bombs are absolutely guaranteed to hit the ground."              -...
  • Looking for jokes about US Army (VANITY-Nothing tasteless, just funny)

    04/03/2006 6:01:27 PM PDT · by curtisgardner · 64 replies · 1,603+ views
    I was looking around the internet for some funny jokes about the US army but couldnt find much. Does anyone have any funny jokes about this subject to pass along? im obviously not looking for anything tasteless, just a few zingers to tell a former army man. Thanks to all who contribute.
  • The Wisdom of Selected Staff Officers - one liner summaries

    03/19/2006 6:02:30 PM PST · by Khurkris · 50 replies · 1,398+ views
    Email ^ | 20 Mar 2006 | Various
    At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM) "'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR) "I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt." "None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM) "We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings "Things are looking up for...
  • Military Oaths Of Enlistment (Humor)

    01/25/2006 12:48:48 AM PST · by FreedomCalls · 44 replies · 1,334+ views
    Soldier's Angel ^ | 01/19/06 | Unknown
    All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff: US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life...
  • Feelings

    01/13/2006 4:26:29 PM PST · by sasquatch · 30 replies · 1,146+ views
    a friend in Reno | today | sasquatch
    December 9, 2005 (CNN) While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
  • Don't mess with Navy SEALS

    09/26/2005 12:09:51 PM PDT · by Cyclone59 · 39 replies · 3,621+ views
    Subject: Don't screw with a Navy Seal! Two things Navy SEALS are always taught: 1. Keep your priorities in order 2. Know when to act without hesitation A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!! The lecture room fell silent. You could hear...
  • Funny Special Forces Vs Rangers joke -

    04/22/2005 7:37:04 PM PDT · by SevenMinusOne · 68 replies · 3,125+ views
    Rangers Versus Special Forces: Hostage Rescue Discussion Board on this Military Joke The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen? Ranger Option Forces/Equipment Committed: If the...
  • 1 US Marine (Joke)

    05/15/2005 3:53:05 PM PDT · by jakerobins · 8 replies · 763+ views
    A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!" The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!" Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,again silence. The American voice...
  • Congressman says Syria nuke comment a joke

    03/04/2005 4:07:16 PM PST · by demlosers · 20 replies · 660+ views
    .kansascity.com ^ | Mar. 04, 2005
    Associated Press DALLAS - A congressman who raised eyebrows with recent remarks about personally wanting to drop a nuclear bomb on Syria now says he was joking. The Feb. 19 remarks by Rep. Sam Johnson, R-Texas, at a church pancake breakfast were first reported this week in Roll Call. The Capitol Hill newspaper reported it had heard a recording of the talk made by someone in attendance. According to Roll Call, Johnson said he was talking with President Bush and GOP Rep. Kay Granger at the White House about weapons of mass destruction that troops failed to find in Iraq....
  • Perspectives (spec ops humor)

    02/23/2005 2:58:21 PM PST · by ma bell · 18 replies · 1,072+ views
    Perspectives An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit." An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!" A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at...
  • An Act of God.....and the U.S. Army

    02/23/2005 6:37:30 PM PST · by davidosborne · 52 replies · 2,272+ views
    E-Mail | UNKNOWN | UNKNOWN
    Subject: One for the Army Boys things Army Rangers are always taught: Keep your priorities in order Know when to act without hesitation A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!" The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten...
  • Army Joke- Killing a Snake in the (AO)

    02/23/2005 10:28:40 AM PST · by ArmyBratproud · 61 replies · 2,228+ views
    e-mail | Feb 23 2005
    Got this from a pal at Benning. Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO): * Paratrooper: Kills the snake. * Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes. * Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat." * Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake." * Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake" * Ranger: Plays with the...
  • The FReeper Foxhole - Military Humor, Part 3 - February 7th, 2005

    02/06/2005 9:23:54 PM PST · by snippy_about_it · 169 replies · 1,676+ views
    see educational sources
    Lord, Keep our Troops forever in Your care Give them victory over the enemy... Grant them a safe and swift return... Bless those who mourn the lost. . FReepers from the Foxhole join in prayer for all those serving their country at this time. ...................................................................................... ........................................... U.S. Military History, Current Events and Veterans Issues Where Duty, Honor and Countryare acknowledged, affirmed and commemorated. Our Mission: The FReeper Foxhole is dedicated to Veterans of our Nation's military forces and to others who are affected in their relationships with Veterans. In the FReeper Foxhole, Veterans or their family members should feel...
  • The FReeper Foxhole - Military Humor, Part 2 - February 6th, 2005

    02/06/2005 8:31:36 AM PST · by snippy_about_it · 80 replies · 1,895+ views
    see educational sources
    Lord, Keep our Troops forever in Your care Give them victory over the enemy... Grant them a safe and swift return... Bless those who mourn the lost. . FReepers from the Foxhole join in prayer for all those serving their country at this time. ...................................................................................... ........................................... U.S. Military History, Current Events and Veterans Issues Where Duty, Honor and Countryare acknowledged, affirmed and commemorated. Our Mission: The FReeper Foxhole is dedicated to Veterans of our Nation's military forces and to others who are affected in their relationships with Veterans. In the FReeper Foxhole, Veterans or their family members should feel...
  • The FReeper Foxhole - Military Humor, Part 1 - February 5th, 2005

    02/05/2005 7:06:23 AM PST · by snippy_about_it · 121 replies · 1,404+ views
    see educational sources
    Lord, Keep our Troops forever in Your care Give them victory over the enemy... Grant them a safe and swift return... Bless those who mourn the lost. . FReepers from the Foxhole join in prayer for all those serving their country at this time. ...................................................................................... ........................................... U.S. Military History, Current Events and Veterans Issues Where Duty, Honor and Countryare acknowledged, affirmed and commemorated. Our Mission: The FReeper Foxhole is dedicated to Veterans of our Nation's military forces and to others who are affected in their relationships with Veterans. In the FReeper Foxhole, Veterans or their family members should feel...
  • Army Ranger, Marines, and Alligators (Humor Break)

    02/05/2005 3:10:38 AM PST · by datura · 27 replies · 1,817+ views
    Strategy Page.com ^ | Unknown | Strategy Page.com
    An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here...
  • Military Humor

    01/24/2005 12:57:02 PM PST · by ijcr · 26 replies · 3,242+ views
    self | 1/24/2005 | A.N.Other
    The Army MP's, the Marines MP's and the Air Force Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises the Instructor tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for dinner. First up are the Army. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence occurs for 5 mins, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent work" says the Instructor. Next...
  • Caption this..

    10/12/2004 3:08:04 PM PDT · by UltraKonservativen · 8 replies · 1,059+ views
    E-mail | Unknown
    WHAT YOU LEARN IN THE ARMY. I received this picture by E-mail today and thought others might enjoy the humor. The picture shows that this soldier has been thru Survival School and learned his lessons well. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by POW's as a method of posing messages back to our intelligence services who may view the photo or video. This guy was obviously being coerced into shaking hands with Hillary Clinton. It's ironic how little she knew that he would so inform...
  • French Joke

    10/05/2004 12:59:35 PM PDT · by MNnice · 88 replies · 3,641+ views
    e-mail from a marine | 10-05-04 | MNnice
    ----- Original Message ----- Subject: U. S. Marine The Euro-Train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, only to find that the last seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very...
  • 'MARINE' BUMPER STICKERS

    08/24/2004 10:55:07 AM PDT · by yankeedame · 10 replies · 1,193+ views
    Email from friend | today | Yankeedame
    'MARINE' BUMPER STICKERS Submitted by J, L, CR & TJ MORRISON -Save water, shower with a Marine. -Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over. -USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight. -When in doubt, empty the magazine. -To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is Marine Corps policy. -Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. -There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were. -Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins? -All men are created equal, then some become Marines. -It's not an attitude problem, we...
  • Letter from my kid at USMC Boot Camp.

    08/07/2004 6:34:14 AM PDT · by bad company · 45 replies · 3,060+ views
    USMC boot camp ^ | 7 August 2004 | My Kid
    Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first, because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay....
  • Reader's Digest Seeks Military Anecdotes

    06/11/2004 6:02:56 AM PDT · by writer33 · 6 replies · 186+ views
    News of the Force | 06/11/2004 | E-mail
    Reader's Digest wants to find out which military service is the funniest. The monthly magazine is celebrating the 50th anniversary of its Humor in Uniform column by running a contest to find the most humorous true anecdotes from military life, according to a Reader's Digest press release. Active-duty, Reserve and retired service members and their families can participate. Entries must be submitted to www.rd.com/uniform by June 30. They also can be mailed to: The Funniest Branch of the Military Contest, Reader's Digest, P.O. Box 1598, Newburgh, NY 12550. Entries must include the entrant's full name, e-mail address and street address....
  • Want To Pretend You're Deployed? (Humor Break)

    06/10/2004 9:18:26 AM PDT · by IncPen · 19 replies · 221+ views
    Via Email ^ | 6.11.04 | Unknown
    Want to pretend you are deployed? Here is a list of  things you can do right in your own home. 1. Sleep on a cot in the garage 2. replace the garage door with a curtain 3. Two hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine flashlight in your eyes and mumble, “ sorry wrong cot.” 4. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and...
  • Military humor

    04/28/2004 8:42:38 AM PDT · by bdh · 3 replies · 135+ views
    ????? ^ | ????? | ?????
    http://www.ls2.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=39215
  • Still a 'Marine'

    03/19/2004 5:26:47 PM PST · by SandRat · 35 replies · 192+ views
    WALT WICK is co-chairman of the Sierra Vista Herald/Bisbee Daily Review. You can reach him through Pat Wick at 458-9440, Ext. 604, or by e-mail at pat.wick@wickcommunications.com. Twenty-five years ago when I was living in western North Dakota, I read a news story about the brutal murder of a Twin Cities' taxi driver in the Minneapolis Tribune. The story must have stamped itself on my hard drive because later that week when I was in Minneapolis I quizzed a Blue & White cabbie about the killing. "Did you know the cab driver who was shot and killed by a passenger...
  • Jody, Every Soldier's friend.(Humor)

    03/03/2004 3:13:09 PM PST · by Little Bill · 44 replies · 842+ views
    Self | Self
    When I was a young trooper, there was a person that we were all aquainted with,his name was Jody. Jody moved in with our girl friends, ate steak, smoked our cigars, wrecked our car, drank our booze, and spent our allotment check. Jody seems to be an Army thing, the Germans have Billibob, the Frogs have the white flag, the Air Force their Mothers, the Marines their Right Hands, and the Navy each other. Jody goes back, in Army tradition, at least a hundred and Fifiy years, Who is Jody? Does he look like John F'n Kerry, the black guys...
  • The Old Man and the Marine (Humor, etc.)

    02/19/2004 9:08:33 AM PST · by MeneMeneTekelUpharsin · 3 replies · 196+ views
    e-mail | 19 February 2004 | Vanity (Humor)
    The Old Man and the Marine An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and...
  • Liberals, Conservatives and Marines

    01/18/2004 10:13:41 AM PST · by Polycarp IV · 7 replies · 94+ views
    Liberals, Conservatives and Marines 1. Problem: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge double edged hunting knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges you. You pull your Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? A. Liberals response: Well, that's not enough information to answer the questions! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that...
  • Caption SecDef Rumsfeld

    12/04/2003 8:40:35 AM PST · by Yehuda · 20 replies · 181+ views
    AP? ^ | Thursday, December 4, 2003 | Yehuda
    U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reviews a honor guard during a welcome ceremony at the Defense Ministry in Baku, Azerbaijan, Wednesday, Dec. 3, 2003. Rumsfeld arrived in Baku for talks with President Ilham Aliev and Defense Minister Safar Abiyev. (AP Photo/Misha Japaridze)SecDef Rumsfeld: "Don't get your noses out of joint, boys..." Honor Guard: "Snif, snif, I smell power and confidence..."
  • Marine Corps General Reinwald on Guns and Children (hilarious)

    04/18/2003 11:42:49 AM PDT · by the_devils_advocate_666 · 18 replies · 483+ views
    NPR | Unknown | NPR
    Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when...
  • The Genius of Bill Mauldin (WWII Cartoons)

    01/24/2003 9:38:04 AM PST · by far sider · 30 replies · 1,103+ views
    Old Soldiers Never Die, They Just Fade Away His work speaks for itself. http://ww2.pstripes.osd.mil/02/nov02/mauldin/index.html Raise a glass for Bill Mauldin. May his works never fade away. "Why th' hell couldn't you have been born a beautiful woman?" "This is th' town my pappy told me about."