Military Humor (Not Child Safe)

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

"Goat- it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show cross-hairs from sniper scope.]

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

Youngster asks SGM about the officer rank insignia and what is the significance and relationship of insignia to the rank?

CPT, of course has two silver bars. Twice as good as a 1LT, ready for command of a company.

Generals, of course have stars. They are up in the firmament. That about covers it youngster."

The old SGM takes another pull on his beer and says, "Well, son, ever since Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden, we have covered our p****s with leaves."

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

Navy SEAL

1. Look very cool in the latest sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking very cool in latest beach wear, check tan lines.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 95 pound ruck while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 95 pound ruck while starving.

US Army

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder.
3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Determine "what is a gunfight."
5. Send the Army.

US Navy

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Launch airplanes and cruise missiles.

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Military Tactic (by Branch and Unit):

The Differential Theory of Special Operations Forces:

Snake Model Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

Infantry: Pulls out "The Soldier's Guide to Natural Wildlife", determines that it's a cat, and gets bitten by snake.

Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake"

Army Ranger (alt) : Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)

Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

Special Operations: Immediatly forms a FragOrder then issues an OpOrder to have the snake captured and questioned. Several teams roll in to capture snake, and they then move it back to Headquarters, only to find out that they accidently captured a squirrel. Squirrel is then deemed an 'Acomplice' and turned over to the proper channels.

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Hard pressed on my right.
My center is yielding.
Impossible to maneuver.
Situation excellent.
I am attacking.

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A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching class one day when he shocked several of his students by flatly stating that there is no God, that the expression "One Nation Under God" is unconstitutional, and that he was going to prove that God did not exist. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I challenge you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture hall fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying: "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

Just before the 15 minutes came to an end, a guy who had been in Special Forces and was now a civilian, newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent the man ass over teacups from his lofty platform, knocking the professor out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young ex-Green Beret looked around the room, sauntered over to a seat in the front row, and sat down. He waited silently for the professor to recover. The class fell silent, too.

Eventually, the professor regained consciousness. Clearly shaken, he looked around the room until he spotted the young man who had hit him sitting in the front row, a broad grin splitting his face. When the prof regained his senses sufficiently enough to speak, he yelled: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

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Advice From A Wife of a Retired Special Forces Master Sergeant

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard -- millions on public assistance depend on me.
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
12. NyQuil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-th-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people. He made so many.
14. The genepool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate now before it's too late.
20. I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Author Unknown

Submitted by:
Jim Ringland
Member:SFA, SOA

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third was a grizzled old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my manhood to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's manhood and began to work back.

A General died and went to Heaven. At the pearly gates he was met by St. Peter. He told St. Peter right away, "If there are Special Forces Soldiers in Heaven, I don't want to go in because I hate SF." St. Peter said, "Don't worry about it because no Special Forces made it to Heaven." So the General went on into Heaven and began looking at all the wonderful sights, when all of a sudden he spotted something that he just couldn't believe.

There before his eyes was a 6' 5" 275 lb. muscle-bound specimen of manhood wearing a Green Beret. Not only that, this guy had a 4 day growth of beard, scuffed up jungle boots, big, fat cigar in his mouth, an M-60 in one hand, a Claymore in the other, bandoleers of ammo across his chest and numerous hand-grenades hung all over him. The General called over St. Peter and said, "I thought you said there weren't any of them Special Forces guys in Heaven...there's one right over there." St. Peter looked where the General was pointing and said, "That's God, he's not Special Forces qualified, he just likes to pretend he is."

Back in Viet Nam, there were two fine Special Forces soldiers, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the Delta Hilton, when a SOG man walked into the bar with an NVA's head under his arm. The CO shakes his hand and says, "I hate NVA! Last week the SOB's burnt an A-camp to the ground, shot up the troops, and killed some Indig troops." The CO then says, "If any man brings me the head of an NVA, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two Special Forces soldiers looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an NVA. They were stalking around in the jungle for a while when suddenly they saw one. Jeff, in order to be silent, threw a rock which hit the NVA right on the head. The NVA fell down, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two troopers made their way down the ravine and Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff urgently tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave says, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, take a look at this."

Dave looked up and saw standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand NVA. He just shook his head and said, "Oh my goodness, we're gonna be millionaires!"

There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than a full parachute malfunction.

But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2004, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys. Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane.

At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are working just fine. But I've digressed.

The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air- missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I wouldn't bet my pink ass on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that's the real reason we fly it.

We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts. It's pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herk to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading.

As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this maneuver the " Ninety/ Two-Seventy."

Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing.

"Flaps Fifty!, Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!" I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat sitting on a sheet of ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the NVGs, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at my steely-eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he's thinking the same thing I am. "Where do we find such fine young men?" "Flaps One Hundred!" I bark at the shaking cat. Now it's all aimpoint and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there's no lights, I'm on NVGs, it's Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky.

Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the Goodyear's on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air.

The huge, one hundred thirty thousand pound, lumbering whisper pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let's see a Viper do that!

We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army grunts. It's time to download their beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam's home.

Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F, 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and thank God, not Allah, I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. Then I thank God I'm not in the Army.

Knowing once again I've cheated death, I ask myself, "What in the hell am I doing in this mess?" Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your ass. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal. There's probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man- machine model. It is however, time to get out of this sh*t- hole . "Hey co-pilot clean yourself up! And how's 'bout the 'Before Starting Engines Checklist."

9. Through military training, males may be more capable of recognizing where the ground's been disturbed, where frost or snow is melting, or where the there's a slight settling or sink hole.

7. Strong silent males survive (and their families prevail) because they are quietly listening (not chatting or gossiping) for the pressure plate to click a moment before the fuse ignites the charge.

5. The male's lower body has more dexterity, has a different lower body to upper body weight ratio, and has greater agility, thereby increasing the probability of jumping out of the way.

2. Boy precedes girl in the dictionary because God created Adam first as a prototype test model before Eve.

And the Number One reason why males precede females when there's a risk of mine fields:

1. Especially in Afghanistan, the site of the original story, he remembers where he laid them!

One day a man was reading the classifieds in the newspaper, and he noticed an ad: "For sale. Talking Dog. $20.00." Intrigued, the man went to see the "Talking Dog". "You the talking dog?" the man asks skeptically. The dog turns and looks at him, and says, "Yep. Good to meet you." The man is amazed. "Where did you learn to speak English," he asks. The dog replies, "Well, it started in the Air Force. I used to be a dog instructor at the Air Force's K-9 dog school at Lackland Air Force Base. I learned english pretty good there.

Then I was transferred to Army Special Forces. I went on some missions in Latin America and learned Spanish. After that, I was transferred to the Marines, where I was a Guard Dog at the Embassy in Paris. I learned a little French while I was there. Before I retired, I was transferred to the Navy, where I was a K-9 dog in Italy. Learned me some Italian while I was there." The man was absolutely amazed. He went back into the living room and said to the dog owner, "That's amazing. How can you sell a dog like that for $20.00?" The owner replied, "Because he's a wannabe. He never did any of those things."

A PFC enters the PX barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks and that his platoon sgt was giving him a hard time about his afternoon shadow. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The PFC places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the PFC asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a detailed message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you.

As soon as we have sorted out Centeral Asia, the Balkans, Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Communist China, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, on weekends, or in bad weather. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please press 3 and speak slowly to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force and wait two weeks for delivery.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 5, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command for an additional fee of $10. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti- terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable:

If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Forces/Equipment Committed:

If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation:

The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection.

Infiltration Technique:

They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing Jody cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the Objective Area:

Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their face cammo, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of Operation:

The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Forces/Equipment Committed:

If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation:

The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.

Infiltration Technique:

The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one-third of the team would insist on jumping in.

Actions in the Objective Area:

Once they arrived, the SF Team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.

Results of Operation:

The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.
Author Unknown

There was a Marine, Ranger, SEAL, Green Beret, paratrooper deployed to Afghanistan. While they was there they received a letter from their girlfriends. In the letter she explained that she had dated two other guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back. So the Marine, Ranger, SEAL, Green Beret, paratrooper does what any squared-away Marine, Ranger, SEAL, Green Beret, paratrooper would do. They went around to their buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, and asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

Tell those swabs to:

-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:

-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard -- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:

-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axes
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:

-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy

On the first day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me, a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the second day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me, Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the third day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the fourth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the fifth day of field ex, the Army gave to me,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the sixth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the seventh day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the eighth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the ninth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the tenth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Ten guard points sleeping,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the eleventh day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Eleven privates whining,
Ten guard points sleeping,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

On the twelfth day of Field Ex, the Army gave to me,
Twelve weapons missing,
Eleven privates whining,
Ten guard points sleeping,
Nine LT's stressing,
Eight days of KP,
Seven sergeants screaming,
Six Port-a-Potties,
Five MREs!
Four moldy tents,
Three duffel bags,
Two hours of sleep,
And a convoy in a HMMVW!

Submitted by:
Barbara Bessent

HAPPINESS IS

Infantry: A good rifle
Armoured: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

HEARING FIREWORKS

Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire excercise
Armoured: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

IDEA OF FUN

Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot"
an entire grid square before the objective
Armoured: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Levelling a grid square

FAVOURITE SONG

Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Armoured: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

LUXURY IN THE FIELD

Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Armoured: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: SATCOM Television Broadcasts

A LONG ROAD MARCH WITH FULL FIELD PACK

Infantry: 20 clicks

Armoured: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

FAVORITE TRANSPORTATION

Infantry: Anything but walking
Armoured: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks.
TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST BITCH IN THE FIELD

Infantry: The weather
Armoured: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable channels

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD

Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Armoured: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast, and a cup of steaming coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Armoured: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

An army sergeant told a private to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. "I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO. "Why did you come back?" "Because there's already somebody there!"

Top Ten Warning Signs for you to have your helmet on; your flack-jacket zipped and the collar turned up, and you have checked your ammo pouches; tightened your safety harness; and loosened the flap on your holster.

4. When the President says, "Its a limited deployment and the forces will be home by Christmas. Trust me."

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drink." "But we's privates," protests Junior."No, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergenats now!" So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she days, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel real good - but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what the gon-o-ria means. If it's good, give me the okay sign." Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!" "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now.

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One U. S. Army Special Forces soldier is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One U. S. Army Special Forces soldier is better than fifty Taliban."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 50 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One U. S. Special Forces soldier is better than one hundred Taliban."

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one hundread of his best fighters and sends then across the dune. Gunfire, grenades, machine gun fire, rockets, etc ring out as a huge battle is fought.

Then silence!

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his Taliban Commander, "Don't send anymore men, its a trap. There's two of them!"

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A Marine Recon platoon was on patrol when the Lt. noticed a lone Special Forces soldier standing on a hill top in their area. The Lt. told two of his men to go take out that man. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the SF soldier. Just before they got to the top, the SF soldier ran over the other side of the hill. The two marines followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the SF soldier came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the marines. The Lt., pissed, called for a squad to go get that SF soldier. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the SF soldier. Just before they got to the top, the SF soldier ran over the other side of the hill. The marine squad followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the SF soldier came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the marines. The Lt. was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the SF soldier.

Determined that Marine Recon was far superior to the one SF soldier they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.

Just before they got to the top, the SF soldier ran over the other side of the hill. The Marine's followed. For many minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air.

It continued and continued. Finally there was one lone Marine crawling back to the Lt., all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His bdu's were torn, cuts were all over his body. The Lt. asked for a sitrep. The lone Marine, bloody and beaten replied in a forceful and fearful voice "Sir, run, its a trick. There are TWO of them!!"

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A C-141 was preparing for departure from a base in Thule, Greenland and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised to pursue punitive action, the Airman responded:

"Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule and I am pumping s**t out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"

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Special Forces General Yarborough had a way of getting your attention real quick. He would enter a theater full of troops and double-time down the aisle as the troops were called to attention. After he yelled, "As you were". he would drop and do 50 pushups and then jump up and begin speaking.

On one hot summer day on Smoke Bomb Hill, the General was talking and talking until a young buck sergeant dozed off. "Sergeant-Major", yelled the General, "There's a sergeant sleeping in the front row". The SGM ran to the front of the theater and reached out to shake the sergeant awake, but General Yarborough ordered.

"No Sergeant-Major, let him sleep. As long as he's asleep, he's a sergeant. When he wakes up he'll be a corporal".

Submitted by:
Robert Eppens
USARA member

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A father and his son were walking through the Manhattan Financial District when they come across an empty space and the Father stops to reflect for a while.

"Imagine son," the father says, "exactly 31 years ago the great "New York 's World Trade center Twin Towers" stood proudly in this area".

Intrigued by the comment, the son asks "What were the Twin Towers, dad?" To which the father replies "They were two of the largest buildings in the world and they housed many thousands of offices.... but on September 11 2001, they were destroyed by IslamoFascists."

The son pauses for a while and then asks "What are IslamoFascists, dad?"

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A crusty old Marine Corps gunny found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the gunny for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the gunny said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The gunny's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The gunny just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had any?" The gunny looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously, I mean, nothing since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Gunny, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"Oh, I don't know .........

it's only 2130 now!"

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A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman. and a Marine, got into an argument about which service is "The Best." The arguing became so heated, that they eventually ended up killing each other.

Soon, they found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Soon they meet St Peter and decide that only he would be the ultimate source of truth and honesty so they ask him:

"St Peter, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?"

St. Peter instantly replies: "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him."

Some time later the three see St. Peter again and remind him of the question and ask if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on St. Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note with glistening gold dust.

St. Peter says to the four men, "Your answer from the Boss. Let's see what he says." St Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and St Peter begins to read it aloud to the four young men:

MEMORANDUM TO SOLDIERS, SEAMEN, MARINES, AND AIRMEN SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is The Best?

"Gentlemen, all the Branches of the Armed Services are Honorable and Noble. Each of you served your country well and with distinction. Being a member of the American Armed Forces represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication. Be proud of that."

Very Respectfully,
GOD, USA SF (Ret.)

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While on a training deployment the Captain and the 1st Sgt were in the field. As they hit the rack for the night, the following exchange took place.

1st Sgt: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Capt: "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

Capt: "From an astronomy perspective, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" 1st Sgt: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent!!"

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An Airborne Ranger goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears;

"You look great in that uniform!" He looks around - there's nobody near him.

He hears the voice again;

"No really, you look terrific with your spit-shined boots and beret."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears;

"Is that a new beret color or something? Because you are definitely distinctive!"

He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the Ranger calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary." ------------------------------------------------------------

A platoon sergeant, a corporal, and a private were walking down a trail one morning.

The PSG noticed a beat-up lamp sitting in the brush. He picked it up and used his sleeve to rub some of the grime off, and as he was doing so a genie exited the lamp with a purpose.

"OK," said the genie, " since I usually only grant three wishes, I will give each of you just one."

He turned to the PVT.

"What do you want the most?"

The PVT was quick.

"I want to be in Cancun with a beautiful woman who sunbathes topless."

The genie snaps his fingers and the PVT is gone.

He then asks the CPL, "What do you want the most?"

The CPL answers, "I want to be in Miami jet skiing with a beautiful woman on one arm and a Pina Colada in my hand." The genie snaps his fingers and the CPL disappears.

He then turns to the PSG and asks him, "What do you want the most?"

The PSG said, "I want those guys back in the motor pool after lunch."

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A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the rest room at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues.

The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man.

Would you like to wear my hat?"

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy.

He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror. As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room.

But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say;

"Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

The little boy smiled, and said; "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"

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An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest?

The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone.

Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier. When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".

The SEAL (being the highly trained special operator that he is) turned running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.

The Marine General says "that wasn't anything," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle." And with that the Force Recon Marine moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.

The Army General then says "Very nice gentlemen, but here is true bravery" and turning towards his BEST, A Special Forces NCO. he says "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Green Beret looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, then he says "YOU'RE CRAZY, SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVE." -------------------------------------------------------------

A Native American walks into a bar -- shotgun in one hand, bucket of outhouse effluent in the other, and a cat trailing behind him. He sets the bucket and the shotgun down and slaps the bar while saying, "Gimme beer!"

The Bartender pours a large ice-cold mug and slings it down the bar. The Native American grabs the mug, hoists it in the air and downs the whole thing in one gulp. Then he reaches down, grabs the bucket and tosses it into the air.

Like lightning, he grabs the shotgun, aims and fires, blowing the bucket into pieces. At that point, the cat takes off running out the front door of the bar. Immediately, the Native American takes off after the cat, and they both disappear into the distance.

Four days later, the Native American walks into the bar -- shotgun in one hand, bucket of outhouse effluent in the other, and a cat trailing behind him. He sets the bucket and the shotgun down and slaps the bar saying, "Gimme beer!"

Bartender says, "Wait a minute. I haven't finished cleaning up from the last time you were in here! What's this all about?" The Native American says, "Me in Pilot Training!" Bartenders says, "So, what's that got to do with the ruckus you raised the last time you were in here?"

"Me practice to be pilot -- drink beer, talk s--t, make lots of money, chase pussy, and gone for days!"

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"THE CREATION"

written in 1977 by LTC Robert K. Suchke,
USA SF Retired Special Forces verse added in 1981
SFA Member D-3644

.....And the Lord spake forth unto the heavens and said, "let there be Airborne."

The earth then did tremble and quake
and the waters did rise up
and the clouds did part
and there came forth
a multitude of parachutes that filled the sky.

God looked down and saw this was good.

And they were good; they were AIRBORNE.

God then spake forth unto the land and said:

"Let there be Rangers."

And all at once the day turned into darkness,
and the winds did howl,
and mountains crumbled into the sea,
and the great rocks did part,
and there sprang forth
a horde of Mephistopheles' disciples wearing Ranger tabs and carrying all sorts of deadly weapons.

God looked down and saw that this was bad.

And they were bad; they were RANGERS.

Then God spoke forth thrice, unto the sky, the earth, and the sea, and said:

"Let there be Special Forces."

Lightning did flash and thunder echoed across the sky.
Mountains spewed molten rock and rained fire upon the land.
Tidal waves surged against the shore.
Despair, disorder and turmoil did prevail.
Forthwith, there did appear a band of twelve extraordinary men.
A few came from beneath the waves;
others jumped from the sky;
and more still stalked silently from the dense forests.
Each one was in camouflage battle dress,
wearing a Green Beret.
Working together, they brought peace unto the land.

God looked down and saw that this was amazing.

And they were amazing;

they were SPECIAL FORCES.

Besides himself,

God now spake forth again and commanded:

"Let all ye that be weak in mind and body, arise and go forth."

And lo, from the abyss they crawled forward with indecision and limped meekly upon the earth.

God looked down and shook His head, for this was pathetic.

And they were pathetic;

they were LEGS.

Submitted by Jim Ringland
SFA/SOA member

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A Special Forces sergeant greeted a General as he walked down the aircraft ramp.

"Good Afternoon, General.

Those are two good looking piglets you have there." The General replied, "These are Arkansas razorbacks.

The Old Man himself gave them to me.

One for my wife and the other one for my daughter."

The Green Beret said,

"Good trade, General." -------------------------------------------------------------

While talking to a potential recruit, the military recruiter said;

"Exactly what kind of job are you looking for in the military?"

The high school kid said;

"I'm looking for something with an enlistment bonus of about $20,000, where I won't have to work too hard, and won't have to deploy overseas.

The recruiter said; "Well, what if I could hook you up with a skill that allowed you to come straight in as an E-7, where you'll only work weekdays, and you can have the base of your choice and stay there as long as you want?"

The young recruit sat up straight and said;

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

The recruiter replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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A Jump School Black Hat asked;

"What does those letters on your uniform stand for?"

The SEAL replied." I'm sorry sergeant but that information is classified."

"Do you bark like a seal?" He asked.

"No and we don't do circus acts" replied the SEAL. ------------------------------------------------------------

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the diffrence??"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

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The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

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A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up." The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet the truck won't be there either."

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Once on a training exercise in Egypt, we jumped so low, we had to run a mile before we felt the shock of our parachutes opening.

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Actual British Officer Fitness Reports

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this officer.

This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car parked in a puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He's been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

He has photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking.

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