Toronto hosts world's first 'feminist porn' awards (unnngh)

OTTAWA (AFP) - Canada's biggest city will host what is believed to be the world's first "feminist porn" awards ceremony, to highlight "really great" female erotica.

"There is so much bad porn out there. A lot of it is really, really bad -- not just sexist but racist, too," organizer Chanelle Gallant told AFP by telephone from Toronto.

"We wanted to celebrate filmmakers who are making really great porn, the kind that makes us feel good about sex, makes us feel good about our bodies and treats sex as something fun and good," she said.

Some 300 guests from the United States and Canada are expected to attend the awards ceremony at a chic century-old hotel on Toronto's west side, including the so-called leading lady of female erotica, Candida Royalle, and producers Tristan Taormino -- whom organizers described as the "gonzo butt queen" -- Dana Dane, Abiola Adams and Jen Bowers.

Eleven awards will be handed out in three categories: porn flicks that depict "genuine female pleasure" or "women having a good time," films that were produced or directed by women, and adult movies that "expand the range of pleasure for women," Gallant said.

There will also be a naughty poetry reading, sneak previews of upcoming porn titles, a roundtable discussion with directors and a burlesque show.

"It's only for North America right now, because I don't know the overseas industries well enough, but we hope to branch out in the future," Gallant said.

Feminists and Feminism will go to ANY LENGTHS to destroy Family and Traditional Values...

· Feminism is another facet of Communism (Feminism is the vehicle for Communism)
· Feminism is dedicated to the destruction of family
· Feminism is about HATE and VIOLENCE
· Feminism and the butcher of children
· Feminism and the connection to homosexuality
· Feminism and sex
· Feminism's tie to the occult and witchcraft
· N.O.W. Remains Dedicated to the Right to Marry for Same-Sex Couples (Feminism - on the FRONT LINES of the Homosexual Marriage push)
· Feminists Destroying Marriage and Relationships (Whats hers is hers, and whats his is hers too...)
· Criminalizing masculinity (Feminist MISANDRY - Passionate HATRED of Males)
· Andrea Dworkin as the Feminist Queen of HATE (Feminism is all about HATE)
· Feminism is INSANITY (Feminist Logic Only Leads to Disaster)
· The State Matriarchy (Enforced Destruction of Society and Marriage by feminist ideology)
· Planned Parenthood Perversity - promoting statutory rape? (Radical Feminist agenda to advance sexual perversion and the destruction of young girls)
· What Have Feminists Done to American Fathers? (First rule of feminism, SLAUGHTER THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY)
· FEMINIST NEO-MARXIST HATE GROUP ADVANCES LEGISLATION IN THE CONGRESS (Is N.O.W. an anti-American Marxist Front Group?)
· Where's Dad? Fatherlessness is DESTROYING America - do YOU know WHY? (We may be the only society in history that has voluntarily chosen mass fatherlessness)
· FEMINISM IS COMMUNISM (Still MORE Quotes. Some may be duplicates, but there are many)
· What Feminist Leader Betty Frieden Didn't want you to Know! (Feminism and its roots in Communism)
· Bush Anti-Divorce Proclamation (LARGE image - 479K) (Bush Attack on Feminist Anti-Family Policies)
· Eradicating The Heterosexual Family (How Feminists and Democrats Seek to Undermine America)

A young guy just started a new job at a shop that sells kinky sex stuff. After a while, his boss has to leave for a while, telling the new guy to hold down the fort while he's gone, adding, "And I expect you to sell something to every customer who comes in!"

Pretty soon a beautiful, young, black lesbian comes in, asking for a vibrator.

"I haven't had a date for three days," she says, "and I'm horny. What can you do for me?"

The guy sells her a purple vibrator.

Then a gorgeous Asian lesbian comes in, with a curvy body and a face like a model.

"I haven't had a date for a week, and I'm horny," she says. "What can you do for me?"

He sells her a pink vibrator.

A little bit later, a huge, muscular white lesbian with tattooed biceps strides in and says, "I haven't had a date for a year, and I'm dying. What can you do for me?"

The guy says, "Well, we've got purple vibrators, pink vibrators, white vibrators, and black vibrators; they're all thirty-five dollars."

She looks over the stock for a minute, then asks, "Well, how about that plaid one on the bottom shelf right behind you?"

The guy looks at it for a minute, thinking quick.

Finally he says, "That's a very special vibrator; that one costs $100."

The lesbian says, "I'll take it!"

She pays the guy and leaves.

Finally the boss returns and asks the guy, "How did you do while I was gone?"

"Pretty good, sir. Had three customers, made three sales – a purple vibrator and a pink vibrator. And I even got a hundred dollars for your thermos..."

A little old lesbian with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l v-v-vibrators h-here ?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about eight inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a three inch circle with her fingers, the old lady then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am," he answered , "a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a D-D-D cell motor in th-th-them?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied, "one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

Then there was the businesswoman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. She knew her girlfriend was a flirtatious sort, so she thought she'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while she was gone, because she didn't much like the idea of her fooling around with someone else.

So she went to a store that sold "marital aids" and started looking around. She thought about a life-sized doll, but that was too close to another woman for her. Finally, she found herself browsing through the vibrators, looking for something special to please her girlfriend, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

She explained her situation, and the old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrators, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except, perhaps…" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the woman asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, ma'am, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo wand.'"

"Huh?" blurted the woman. "What's this about a voodoo wand?"

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an elaborately hand-carved, antique wooden box, inlaid with strange symbols reproduced in ivory. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking vibrator.

The businesswoman laughed, and said, "Big deal. It looks like every other vibrator in the shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo wand, the door."
The voodoo wand rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started hammering away at the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, however, the old man said, "Voodoo wand, get back in your box!"

The voodoo wand stopped, floated back to the box, and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businesswoman.

The old man resisted, saying it was a one-of-a-kind item, and thus not for sale, but he finally surrendered to seven hundred dollars in cash.

The businesswoman took it home to her girlfriend, told her it was a special vibrator and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo wand, my (insert socially acceptable euphemism here)."

Then she left for her trip, satisfied that things would be fine while she was gone.

For a few days, the girlfriend was fine. But eventually she became unbearably itchy. She thought of several people who'd willingly satisfy her, but was hesitant to cheat on her girlfriend unless she was absolutely desperate. Then she remembered the voodoo wand.

She got it out, undressed, and said, "Voodoo wand, my (insert socially acceptable euphemism here)!"

The voodoo wand shot to the target and started hammering away. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and, after three climaxes, she decided she'd had enough. She reached down and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck, still thrusting. She tried everything she could think of to get it out, but nothing worked; her girlfriend had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. In a panic, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

With the little machine still at work, she put her clothes on, got in the car, and started to drive to the hospital, quivering mightily.

On the way, another climax nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo wand was at work, and wouldn't stop vibrating.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then grinned and chuckled, saying, "Yeah, right. Voodoo wand, my a$$."

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