Skip to comments.Cthulhu Saves [or Things I learned at Miskatonic University]
Posted on 10/31/2008 5:47:35 AM PDT by doc30
Things I learned at Miskatonic University:
1. Non-Euclidian Geometry.
2. Keeping a detailed journal is a good idea. It allows future investigators to more accurately determine the cause of your death.
3. Those are not rats in the walls.
4. Whippoorwills should be on the endangered species list.
5. If you are going to dabble in Things Man Was Not Meant To Know, make sure you have a good (and complete) translation from which to work.
6. They're called "Things Man Was Not Meant To Know" for a reason.
7. Rural Massachusetts is not a good vacation choice.
8. Rural Michigan is worse.
9. The Providence, R. I., nightlife is to die for.
10. Do not feed Shoggoth after midnight. Or before midnight for that matter.
11. "Idiot Flute Players" would be a great name for a rock group.
12. Inbred clans are culturally isolated for a reason.
13. Never read aloud while browsing in the Forbidden Tomes section of the Rare Books Archives in the cellar of MU's library.
14. Sacrificing to the G.O.O. only bumps you to the front of the chow line.
15. Taco Bell flatulence can be mistaken by some unnameables as romantic sonnets.
16. Shoggothim cannot be domesticated.
17. Xenoexogeny can get real ugly, real fast - stick to your own species, you naughty simian meatpuppet.
18. If it emits a pinkish-purple light you can't quite see, don't touch it.
19. Your folks are probably not buried where you'd like to think they are.
20. No, there isn't always a mundane explanation.
21. Penguins know more than they are admitting.
22. Never call up what you can't put back down again.
23. If your tripod becomes a dodecapod that lasts longer than four hours, that wasn't Cialis, and immediate medical attention will do no good.
24. That noisome foeter is NOT yesterday's Taco Bell dinner.
25. That insane gibbering laughter is NOT the potheads down the hall.
26. Lending your copy of the Necronomicon to the new kid with the goat-like visage is not the best course of action.
27. Trusting a borrowed copy of the Necronomicon is not the best course of action.
28. If you come across a mysterious patch of land on an abandoned five-acre farmstead which is completely devoid of all life and at the center is an old well - RUN!
29. Look more closely. That isn't a well. It's a footprint.
30. Astronomy is a life-or-death subject.
31. Raving madness is only a state of mind.
32. Blood is thicker than water, and is not as easy to breathe.
33. Nyarlathotep hates Volkswagens.
34. Phylogeny replicates ontogeny, more than anyone would wish.
35. "Face off" takes on a whole new meaning.
36. Contrary to common lore, "Ia! Ia! Shub-nggurath!" is not an incantation for dissolution of bra-clasps.
37. Free-body diagrams have nothing whatsoever to do with physics.
38. Whatever you do, don't flunk your dimentional analysis final.
39. Mysteries of the Wyrm is not a biology text.
40. Spackle the corners.
41. Make sure you have enough weatherstripping.
42. Always carry a flashlight and spare batteries.
43. Always carry a gun.
44. Keep one last bullet in reserve.
45. Don't apologize, it's a sign of weakness.
46. Turn the ship around.
47. If it rose out of the ocean, run away.
48. If there's a scumbag named "Castro" involved, break out the Tommyguns.
49. Always keep an artist around. They're better'n canaries, and they're the first to go mad. And they tend to run slower.
50. Sometimes, concentration camps and secretive governmental operations are *good* for the country.
51. Being a "Deep One" does not mean he's taking Philosophy.
52. If you're peacefully dead, don't let them inject anything into you.
53. The light shineth in darkness, and the darkness... consumes it and belches happily.
54. Pay the damned wizard what you owe him.
55. If you have summoned something Man Was Not Meant To Know, don't run; you'll just die tired.
56. There's a good reason that town isn't on the map...
57. When they say "stay out of the tunnels" they mean "stay out of the tunnels!"
On dating at Old Misk:
1. Never call up what you cannot hang up on.
2. That fishy odor might be more important than you think.
3. Eschew the Batrachian Sorority (Phi Rho Gamma) unless you enjoy *really* deep french-kisses
4. As in Universities in New Orleans, San Fransico, and elsewhere: always check the neck. Additionally: always count the digits.
5. If he or she has a reputation of being a witch, he or she probably is.
And never, ever say ‘Hastur’ three times fast.
58. If your dorm roomie is named Brown Jenkin ask for a reassignment!
I remember reading H. P. Lovecraft for the first time when I was in The Marine Corp. I was 21 or 22 and I was on Okinawa living in a squad bay right next to the Ocean. It kept me up at night and gave me some weird dreams but I still read every Lovecraft book the base library had.
#59: "I don't have to outrun him, I just have to outrun you" may work with bears, but the Great Old Ones have much larger stomachs.
Vote Cthulu! Because the lesser of two evils isn’t quite evil enough.
You rang? :)
Good stuff... Lovecraft is one of my favorite authors. The local libraries have none of his stuff, but that’s where the wonderful phrases ‘public domain’ and ‘free ebooks’ come in =)
It scared me too. Try drawing some of the creatures, they are so illogical in form it is impossible to stay scared. The stories DO still scare me, but the terror ends after the last line.
Lovecraft’s weirdness is more easily comprehended when you put it into the context of the Victorian period, out of which he came: the racism and xenophobia of that time were internalized by him and came out as the Cthulhu Mythos.
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