Posted on 06/30/2010 3:50:49 PM PDT by JoeProBono
SEATTLE, - A Seattle author was named the winner of a contest to create an opening sentence to begin the worst possible novel.
Molly Ringle, who has published one novel with two more on the way, was declared the winner of the 28th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a bad-writing contest sponsored by San Jose State University, the California school said.
"For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss -- a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil," Ringle's prize-winning sentence read.
Runner-Up:
Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men” — in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur.
Tom Wallace
Columbia, SC
Why go to tea if it’s not going to be like something out of the latest idiotic vampire movie? Surely not for the scones ... you could use them for .
Runner-Up:
She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.
Jonathan Blay
Bedford, Canada
Cynthia had washed her hands of Philip McIntyre - not like you wash your hands in a public restroom when everyone is watching you to see if you washed your hands but like washing your hands after you have been working in the garden and there is dirt under your fingernails — dirt like Philip McIntyre.
Linda Boatright
Omaha, NE
Molly Ringle
Seattle, WA
The winner of the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Molly Ringle of Seattle, Washington. The author of one published and two soon-to-be-published novels, Molly Ringle only writes bad fiction when she fails at good fiction. She’d rather not say how often this happens. She lives in Seattle with her family, and her vices include uncalled-for moments of sarcasm, excessive consumption of Nutella, and an unladylike avidity for the raunchy films of Mel Brooks
Molly Ringle is the 28th grand prize winner of the contest that that began at San Jose State University in 1982. She is also the second consecutive Washingtonian in a row to win the contest, last year’s being David McKenzie.
Leaning back comfortably in a plush old chair, feet up, fingers laced behind his head, Tom Chambers inventoried his life and with a satisfied grin mused, “Ah, marlin fishing off the coast of Majorca, a bronze star for that rescue mission in Jamir, the unmatched fragrance of pastries fresh out of the oven at Café Legrande, two sons who would make any father proud . . . I’ve never done any of that.”
Ernie Santilli
Drexel Hill PA
“Why, darling, you could have used the scones as the object of a preposition!”
There's other ways to have tea?
I remember that, very funny.
Oneida Revere picked at her meal and stared dully across the table at the charismatic charlatan who had seduced her with the illusion of love and tarnished her family’s sterling reputation; she was wise to his bent mind games and though it felt like a knife through her heart, she knew it was time to stick a fork in it and call it done - her days of spooning with Uri Geller were over.
T. A. Daniel (Seattle, WA) and Craig Rieger (Concord, CA)
Seattle, WA
The Department of Redundancy Department may want to look into this sentence. :=)
At 4:00 a.m., when the booze is gone, the chili is gone, you've been in these clothes for 36 hours, and they still haven't called the election ...
No, that was a scene in the vampire movie, wasn't it?
It might be time then for Nachos or Fried Oysters in the tub..
Not tea.
Just sayin'..
Their servers are currently overloaded.
Here is one of my favorites, winner of the "Vile Puns" category in the 2005 contest:
Falcon was her name and she was quite the bird of prey, sashaying past her adolescent admirers from one anchor store to another, past the kiosks where earrings longed to lie upon her lobes and sunglasses hoped to nestle on her nose, seemingly the beginning of a beautiful friendship with whomsoever caught the eye of the mall tease, Falcon.
Thanks, I’ll be dreaming of fried oysters in the tub, now. From Frankie’s, under the pylons of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, south end. Mmmmmm ... a day of shooting with Dad, Frankie’s, and then a poker game ...
Chorus:
Caviar comes from a virgin sturgeon
A virgin sturgeon’s a very fine fish;
A virgin sturgeon needs no urgin’
That’s why caviar is my dish.
I gave caviar to my lady
She was a virgin tried and true,
A virgin sturgeon needs no urgin’
Now there’s nothing that gal won’t do.
(Chorus)
I gave caviar to my grandpa
An stodgy old man of 91;
A virgin sturgeon needs no urgin’
Grandma wishes that she could run...
(Chorus)
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