Posted on 07/10/2010 7:31:09 PM PDT by SamAdams76
Got to the rental car kiosk where we had already reserved a bland run-of-the-mill compact sedan for about $240 for the week, but predictably, we got the old bait and switch routine when we got to the front of the line. They were flat out of boring subcompacts but did we want to "upgrade" to a convertible instead for an extra $300? Of course, we could always take a voucher to go over to AVIS to get a Ford Fiesta but wouldn't you know, they just happened to have a souped-up Silver Volvo C70 sitting in their lot just waiting for a mid-life crisis 40-something guy like myself to tool around the Vegas Strip in and hey, just for me, they will knock $100 off the regular price and let me have the babe-mobile for just $440 for the week. Much to my wife's disgust, I decided to go for it and as we headed up the escalator to pick it up, my wife was just shaking her head. But as we left the airport, put the top town and hung a right turn, we had the entire Vegas Strip in front of us and despite it being past one in the morning, it was lit up like Times Square at rush hour with about twice as many people. Our weird adventure was about to begin...
I walked into the Venetian and ended up in Venice
Okay, so here I am walking through yet another humongous Las Vegas casino. Seen one, seen them all. Row after row of chiming, ringing, and dinging slot machines. Frenzied activity at the various table games (especially the craps tables). No windows. No clocks. No sense of direction. No sense of what time of day it is outside. Could be light, could be dark. Could be a hurricane or blizzard raging outside. How would you know? Eighteen ways to get in but evidently no easy way to find your way out. Being in a Las Vegas casino is kind of like being in a dream. You know where you want to go but you have no easy way of getting there. The faster you move, the more lost you become.
Well I know one thing, I'm in a casino called The Venetian. How do I know that? Because when I threw a $100 bill into a slot machine and cashed out with $77.50, the cashout slip said "The Venetian Casino." So I got my $77.50 slip and I go looking for one of those cash machines. After about a half mile, I find one and out of the machine comes three $20s, three $5s, two 1$ and two quarters (evidently Las Vegas never heard of the $10 bill because I never received one there). Oddly, I feel like a winner getting all that cash back even though I actually lost $22.50 at the slot machines.
So after receiving my cash out, I stumble onward, looking for a way out. Suddenly, I'm in this long corridor with a high ceiling painted with blue sky and clounds and lit in such a way to suggest sunset. It's so realistic that if you put on sunglasses, you would actually be able to fool yourself you are actually outdoors. I look below me and there is a river with gondolas streaming by. On either side of me are overpriced shops and Italian restaurants with "al fresco" dining and suddenly I am in Venice, Italy.
What the hell, I'm lost and I'm hungry. So the wife and I duck into one of these restaurants and find out the menu is written by a guy named Wolfgang Puck. The name is oddly familiar and for some reason, I can't get the NHL out of my head (is this Peter Puck's son?). But as I grapple with the name, some waiter appears speaking perfect Italian. I asked him if he had a translator and he looked at me like I had three heads and switched over to English and before I could get out another word, he's got me on the spot with a wine list while slipping a fancy looking bowl of bread and pastries in front of the wife. Not wanting to appear like some rube on a shoe-string budget, I select a $85 bottle of wine (this is around the middle of the pricerange) by pointing at it on the menu (because I sure as hell couldn't pronounce it), after all, it's our first time in Las Vegas...or is it Venice, Italy? All in all, I figured out that Wolfgang Puck was a famous chef of some sort and we ended up spending over $200 on dinner but we rationalized it by saying that if even if we chose McDonalds to have dinner at, we still would have dumped the money we "saved" into the slot machines anyhow.
Food was good and this Wolfgang Puck has a good thing going for him. How come famous chefs always have odd sounding names? They never seem to have simple names like Bob Jones. Always Sergio or Jacques or something foreign like that. Maybe if you have a regular name, you aren't allowed to be a famous chef.
Have They Stopped Manufacturing Mirrors?
Like I said earlier, in my nearly half century of living, I had never been to Las Vegas. So when the wife finally talked me into making it a vacation destination, I had my reservations. Having only been exposed to Las Vegas through pop culture, I had visions of sharp-dressed hoodlums patrolling the streets while scantily clad prostitutes hung out at every street corner (kind of like on the cover of Donna Summer's 1979 "Bad Girls" album). I had the fear that if I did too well at the blackjack tables, that some fast talking Danny Devito look-a-likes would escort me to the counting room where I would get worked over with a baseball bat and told to "leave this town and never come back." I surmised that the famous strip would have neon signs advertising shows of Elvis impersonators and concerts by washed-up pop acts like Kenny Rogers, Englebert Humperdinck and Barry Manilow. I also envisioned 99 cent shrimp cocktails, free drinks and all-you-can-eat buffets for $4.99.
Well after spending a full week there earlier this year, I can assure you that none of the above perceptions were even remotely true. Instead of the seedy, disreptutable and slightly dangerous town that I had pictured in my mind, I was confronted instead by...Wal-Mart shoppers.
Yes, I spoke correctly. Wal-Mart shoppers. For when I pulled out of the airport parking lot in my rented convertible and tooled through the famous Strip for the first time, my immediate first impression was that every Wal-Mart shopper in America was somehow teleported out of all the stores, sucked into a wormhole, and dumped onto Las Vegas Boulevard all at the same time. From overweight women in sweatpants to old men in Bermuda shorts with shoes and black socks, every stereotype of the typical Wal-Mart shopper was there - and represented in large numbers!
Now I always thought you had to dress up somewhat to go to Las Vegas and hang out in their billion-dollar casinos. Evidently not. Most of the people in Las Vegas look like they just rolled out of bed. I dress up more to paint my house. Do they still manufacture mirrors in America? Because if they did, people might see how ugly they dress.
You really had to look hard to find young people and when you found them, they immediately fell into two types: The "hip-hoppers" shuffling by (always in groups) with their oversized football shirts, ballcaps on backwards, heavy gold chains and with the tops of their underwear fully exposed and hiked up to their belly-buttons while their three-sizes-too-large pants sagged down. The other group were mostly women (though you couldn't be too sure) and were pretty much naked with their mini-skirts, ankle tatoos and body-piercing all over.
But mostly it was Wal-Mart shopper types (mostly in the 55+ category) and as the day went on, their numbers increased by the busload.
Doubling Down Recklessly at the Monte Carlo
My best night at the casinos was at the Monte Carlo after the reputed magic performance by Lance Burton (tickets were "free" after enduring a hellish four-hour presentation on time shares - more on that on another thread, "Time Share Hell", if you can still find it). I figured after the show, I might as well see something disappear for real (my money) by getting in a late-night quickie session of blackjack before heading to the parking lot. So I plopped int an empty seat at a $25 table and bought $200 in chips. I figured I'd get about a half hour or so of action before my money ran out and then I'd get a good nights sleep. However, to my utter surprise, I found myself winning hand after hand and when my $200 buy-in turned into over $500, I jumped my bets to $50 a hand. I got up to about $800 when my luck turned and lost three of the next four hands. I figured I'd go ahead and cash out at the next losing hand. So I was dealt a pair of 4s against the dealer's 9 and decided to go ahead and split them even though it was totally against basic strategy. I figured I'd salvage one of the two hands and go home on that note. But the dealer flipped me a 7 on my first hand and I immediately doubled-down and then drew a King for 21. Then on my next hand, I drew a Jack, giving me a 14 on that hand. But I threw caution to the wind and doubled down on that too and the dealer gave me a six for a total of 20. The dealer went on to get a 19 and I won both hands for a $200 win.
The smart thing would have been to walk away right then and there. But I figured that dumb luck was with me and I decided to double-down on every subsequent hand until I lost a hand, even if it made no sense at all. Well I ended up winning FIVE MORE HANDS by doubling down. Everybody else at the table including the dealer and pit boss shook their heads in amazement as I doubled down on the most ridiculous combinations, including at one point a 17 (in which I drew a 4 to make 21 against the dealer's 20). At $50 a hand, I was up another $500 before I finally lost - and that on a combination which actually made sense to double down on (a soft eight against the dealer's six). By now, no doubt, the pit boss had told the eye in the sky to hit the record button. So keeping in character, I muttered something about having to watch Judge Wapner and walked out of thereabout $800-900 ahead which just goes to prove that dumb luck can often be the best kind of luck.
Those Mexicans On The Strip Handing Out the Cards
One common theme out on Las Vegas Boulevard was all those Mexican guys in orange T-Shirts handing out those cards of naked women with phone numbers on them. Now prositution is supposedly not legal in Clark County but that doesn't seem to deter the advertising of it. Apparently you call this 1-800 number and you get a ride in a bus out to a neigboring county where prostitution is legal. Anyway, most people seem to take these cards out of politeness but then dump them to the ground. So the sidewalks on the strip are covered with these cards with naked women on them.
Now these Mexican people, they stand out there day and night on every corner, "riffling" the cards as people walk by. Doesn't matter if you are with your wife or if you have kids in tow. If you are a male and you make any kind of eye contact with these people, you are getting a card shoved into your hand.
I just found it kind of odd that Las Vegas tolerates that as they seem to be trying to foster a more family-friendly atmosphere there.
Hundreds of flat-screen televisions at the ESPN Sportzone
Over by New York New York casino, there is an ESPN restaurant that serves up basic bar-fare (cheeseburgers, fries, steak tips). Virtually every sporting event in progress on the entire globe was on display with a separate section for the "sports book" where you can bet on any of these games. My wife wasn't too thrilled about it but next time I get the chance to come out during football season, I will be in pure heaven in this place. Cheeseburgers, beer and every single NFL game on display with the opportunity to bet on each one.
Trouble at the Diablos Restaurant (near Monte Carlo)
Found this excellent Mexican restaurant right on the boulevard next to Monte Carlo casino. Strong margaritas, spicy food and surly (but attentive) waitstaff. The night after my big win at the Monte Carlo, I was there sipping $14 margaritas (made with Silver Patron tequila) when a fight broke out a few tables over from us. Plates were thrown and shattered, a table (or two) knocked completely over. Women were screaming. Every employee in the restaurant was there in seconds breaking it up and every other customer in the restaurant (including us) were standing up and watching the scene unfold. Within a few minutes, the police had arrived, escorted the perpetrators away and taped off that section of the restaurant while the waitstaff went back to work, acting every bit as though this is just a normal, everyday occurrence.
Slot Machine Jackpot!
Now I knew before even getting to Vegas to beware of the one-armed bandits. But damn, they are fun to play, with all those flashing lights, whooping sound effects and that wonderful melody that plays on and one when a larger jackpot is won. My wife and I played mostly the penny slots (max play which basically meant $1.25 to $2.00 a spin) and my favorite ones were the "quick hit - low payout" models as I could play those for hours before running out of money, while getting a lot of small to medium payouts along the way. I learned to stay away from the ones with the huge jackpots as you have virtually no chance of winning those and they suck up your money pretty fast.
So anyway, I was in between blackjack sessions at the MGM Grand and went over to sit with the wife for a while as she played one of those penny "Quick Hits" machines. This is a five-reel machine where 3 "Quick Hits" pays out about $100, 4 will pay out over $1,000 and getting "Quick Hits" on all five reels will get you between $5000-7000.
She was doing pretty well tonight, winning several $100+ jackpots (but sinking it right back into the machine). I was about to head back for the blackjack table when the incredible happened. She pulled the lever (or rather pushed the button) and FOUR "Quick Hits" popped up on the reels, yielding a payout of $1713. The little yellow lightbulb on the top of the machine turned on and all sorts of lights lit up on the slot as that winning melody played on and on. A message on the screen indicated that a casino employee would show up to do what they called a "hand payout".
Sure enough, we were soon surrounded by 3-4 casino employees, one of which had us filling out a W-2 form for the IRs. (Anything over $1200 has to be reported.) Another dozen or so casino patrons stood around us while they peeled off seventeen $100 bills and put them into our hands. Forget blackjack, we are going out to dinner and sparing no expense. On the way out the door, my wife went to the bathroom and I decided to throw a $100 bill into a $5 slot machine. By the time she came out of the bathroom, that $100 turned into $190. I cashed out $90 richer and yes, we ate pretty well that night.
In the long run, you are going to lose on the slot machines, but this night we won and we celebrated accordingly.
If You want to come out a consistent winner at the casinos, master Blackjack
Before going to Las Vegas, I decided to master the one game you can actually come out consistently a winner at. That would be blackjack. I memorized all the basic strategy and even learned some rudimentary card-counting. Still, with six-to-eight deck shoes, the house is still going to have a slight edge, even if you play every hand perfectly.
The trick is walking away when you are ahead because eventually, the house will grind you down. But if you master basic strategy (and have the discipline to use it) and have at least a sense of what the running count is so you can escalate your bets and take advantage, you can usually walk away from a $10 or $25 table a consistent winner.
Two times out of three, I walked away from the blackjack table with more money than I brought in. Other than that stupid session I spoke of earlier at Monte Carlo, I stuck to basic strategy and tried to take advantage when the card count was high. Las Vegas frowns upon card counters but I don't think they will be paying too much attention at the lower stake tables.
I think I'll be going back to Las Vegas
My overall impression of Las Vegas was a very positive one. We went there with $2,000 in "gambling money" that we expected to lose and came home with about $400 of it left. We probably won over $5,000 that week but spent most of it like drunken sailors, either back into gambling or at some of the very many restaurants that Las Vegas has to offer. All in all, it was an excellent time.
I live only an hour away, so we're going tomorrow just overnight. We usually stay on the strip, but tomorrow I want to go downtown. So we're going to The Golden Nugget where they have an awesome pool which has a huge shark tank in it. I think that will be fun!
LOL! I experienced those on my first trip to Las Vegas...in 1980.
My sister lives in Henderson, so we're out there every year. The trick is to set a daily gambling limit, ($200 each for me and my wife) and when you're done, you're done.
I’ve never not had fun in Vegas. It’s probably the one thing I agree with Obama on. I love that town.
The Mexicans with the hooker cards are called 'Porn Slappers'. They help keep the whores warm.
Visit Lake Tahoe next time. Come in winter.
Funny you say that as we have selected Reno/Lake Tahoe as our next trip out that way. We should be there in April.
Very entertaining read! I could ‘visualize’ everything...thanks for sharing. (caught your other post about the timeshares thing...that was good too lol)
Great Post! I have only been to Vegas once. I was there for four days and I slept for maybe 6 hours.
Had such a blast. Trying to figure out how to get there again
I like the air conditioning
I can't even imagine the fun young, single people have. Great, great, town.
Oh yeah, go to the Gun Store (look on youtube) and get the Coalition package. Not a big gun guy, but firing a belt fed SAW changed me as a man.
I can't even imagine the fun young, single people have. Great, great, town.
Oh yeah, go to the Gun Store (look on youtube) and get the Coalition package. Not a big gun guy, but firing a belt fed SAW changed me as a man.
Vegas is my town. Harry Reid is the biggest mobster here. Trust me, I know.
Great post.
“when a fight broke out a few tables over from us. Plates were thrown and shattered, a table (or two) knocked completely over. Women were screaming.”
Best meals always have one of those. Parties too.
Those days are long gone. Also I notice the clanging of money falling out the Slot Machines is gone. They were always positioned near the elevators. When the doors open you could not help but notice it.
Great post! It reminds me of my fun visits there several times a year, a nice scenic desert drive from LA. I stay at the Rio, usually hit the antique stores and Dillards, my fave store which is virtually unknown in California. I also recommend the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop of History Channel fame.
The Desert Rose is a nice little off-the-strip and reasonable place to stay. There’s a nice park out on the west side (NW?) to hike in. The Hoover Dam isn’t too far away and is an awesome sight. The magic shows are pretty cool. (sorry, forgot the guy’s name) The big aquarium in Mandela Bay (?) is ok, not great. Yes, I went to Vegas. No, I didn’t gamble, not my thing.
I get to work in LV, commute there from Denver each week. I've found it to be interesting on a photographic level. Many new buildings have mirrored glass and impressionistic reflections.
Then there's poker. I play $50 to $100 no limit hold’em. Then after the tournament tour around with tripod looking for something interesting. Now they are holding the WSOP, which has provided an indoor venue for walking (no smoking there by the way), meeting players and seeing poker stars. All in all, beats working in say Cleveland.
Very interesting. Thanks for posting.
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