Posted on 07/31/2010 12:28:04 PM PDT by SamAdams76
So here I am driving through the local strip malls on a lazy Saturday morning, saddled with the responsibility of purchasing groceries for the family as the wife is occupied with other tasks at the moment. It's a clear, crisp morning with low humidity so I bring the dog with me so we can take a walk in the woods along the way.
After a brisk walk in the state park with the dog, and a large coffee at the Dunkin Donuts, I'm tooling around town, dog bouncing around in the back seat, deciding what supermarket to stop in at when I see Whole Foods Market, sandwiched between the usual other yuppie haunts like Trader Joe's, Starbucks and a few obnoxiously pretentious shops with foreign sounding names I can't remember and wouldn't be able to pronounce anyhow. So anyway, I'm feeling that I should give this Whole Foods a chance, and maybe come home and surprise the family with some wholesome and natural foodstuffs.
As I pull into the parking lot, I immediately get the sense that things are a little off. For one thing, all the cars are foreign made (Volvo, BMW, Mercedes, Saab) and sport the predictable liberal touchy-feely bumper stickers like "War Is Not The Answer" and those stupid "Coexist" bumper stickers with all those religious symbols forming the word (every religion except Christianity it would seem).
There was also a preponderance of those very annoying oval stickers that seem to be all the rage these days among the pretentious yuppie set. You know the ones, the oval stickers with the white background and cryptic letters like "DE", "ULV" and "NDU". I've always wondered what the heck those stickers are all about so I did a little research on the Internet.
Seems that over in Europe, the license plates are all the same type, making it difficult to tell what country the car is from. So that's how the oval stickers with the white background came about. Drivers from Germany would have to sport "D" stickers, people from France would have "F" stickers and people from Denmark would have "DK" stickers, and so on.
Of course, visiting yuppie American tourists couldn't be content with letting Europe have their little stickers. Of course not! Why they just had to import them to America, in order to show off to their other yuppie friends how cosmopolitan and worldly they were. Even more interesting is that these oval stickers, designating the country of origin, are actually mandated (across most of the world) by the United Nations! Hence, you can now better understand the desire of the UN-loving scumbag yuppies to affix one of these stickers to their own cars.
So back here in America, among the pretentious, oh-so-trendy yuppie set, it was soon not enough to merely own a BMW or a Volvo. No! In order to establish their bona fides as genuine yuppie scum, they had to sport these European stickers on their cars over here too. In that manner, they would evidently have their yuppie friends drooling with envy, as their Volvo would now appear to have been imported directly from Europe as opposed to the oh-so-pedestrian method of simply purchasing it from the local auto dealership.
Of course, enough yuppies got jealous enough whereby a market was quickly developed here in America to sell even more of these little oval stickers. At first, they were content to simply sport the sticker from their favorite European hell-hole, but before too long, all the trendy vacation spots here in America started selling their own oval stickers in their overpriced gift shops - all of which were quickly snapped up by yuppies and wanna-be yuppies, who immediately affixed them to their own cars to show off to all others "in the know" that yes, they too, apparently had a vacation home on Martha's Vineyard (MVY), the Outer Banks (OBX) or Vail, Colorado (VCO). Proven of course, by their little oval sticker. Oh, aren't you precious, Margo and Todd!
So here I am, still only in the Whole Foods parking lot, and already I am getting very annoyed. So I find a shaded space (for my dog) between a Land Cruiser sporting an Obama sticker and a Saab with a rainbow sticker and an oval sticker with "PVT" (Provincetown, evidently). Just wonderful.
So I crack the windows on my car to give the dog some air and head on in. Right away, I notice that I am the only customer in the store wearing socks - everybody else being in flip-flops, sandals and what not. However, I need to hit the rest-rooms as that Dunkin Donuts coffee has percolated through my system. However, there is not a "Men's" room or a "Women's" room but two "unisex" bathrooms, both with OCCUPIED signs on them. So I have to sit there and wait, with my legs crossed like an errant child, for the two women to get done already and vacate one of them. One of the advantages of being a man is that the men's room is always open. After all, if the stalls and urinals are occupied, there's always the sinks. (Ladies, that's why there is never a line at the men's room). However, Whole Foods has taken away the advantage of being a man by making their bathrooms unisex.
So bladder relieved at last, I head into the store and start my shopping. First up is the produce section and at the Whole Foods, it's not enough to just have apples, oranges and carrots in the produce section. No. You must have 37 varieties of apples with little color-coded placards announcing what country they are from. Also the Belgian endive and other exotic produce that Mike Dukakis famously raved about to the Iowa voters back in the 1988 presidential campaign. At the Whole Foods, you must inspect the produce carefully because more often than not, the blackberries ($4.99 for 8 oz) have mold on them and the corn-on-cob is likely to be infested with worms. After all, no pesticides allowed for Whole Foods produce. Fortunately for the corn on cob, they offer a trash barrel so you can shuck the corn yourself and ensure yourself of worm-free produce. Throughout the produce section, signs abounded proclaiming (or disclaiming) that wax was used to keep the produce looking fresh. I see summer squash and zucchini in a small section, priced reasonably. However, most of the shelf space is taken up with summer squash and zucchini already all cut up (ready for grill!) and packaged for triple the cost of just buying it and cutting it at home yourself. I guess many people think cutting up squash and zucchini is too much trouble to save 2/3 of the price. All in all, however, I was pretty happy with the produce section, although by the time I was out of there, the cost of my purchases already exceeded what I would have paid at the Stop & Shop for my entire wife-supplied grocery list.
Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street" is playing over the PA as I venture out into the rest of the store. One thing I'm noticing is the preponderance of people who are of "questionable" sexual identity. Perhaps this explains the unisex bathrooms. Many of these people would definitely have trouble choosing. I saw one person over six feet tall that was wearing a hemp skirt and a pink T-shirt that said something along the lines of "Save Dharma". Must be a Lost fan. At any rate, she/he had a face like Robert Plant circa 1973 and long scraggly hair down to his/her breasts. He/she had an excessive amount of tofu and soy products in his/her cart. Must be a vegetarian too.
While Whole Foods might cater to the vegetarian set, they definitely have a decent selection of meats/fish. That was my next section. I loaded up with $60 in marinated steak tips and almost another $100 of other meats. Already, I am starting to feel the wrath of my wife when she downloads the latest banking transactions. I didn't even bother with the fish, they were asking $15 or more per pound for just about everything in the seafood section. Hell, it would be cheaper for me to rent a boat and go deep-sea fishing on my own.
Next up is the cheese section. All kinds of free samples abound, with the little toothpicks that you can spike the cheese pieces with. I pretty much got a full lunch for free by the time I was done "sampling." I loaded up with some swiss, gouda, and cheddar and I totally ignored the cheese counter which has various cheeses with names I couldn't pronounce and prices I couldn't afford. The PA system is now playing a Bruce Springsteen song - Tunnel of Love, I think.
Over to the yogurt and eggs. Normally we get Stonyfield Yogurt (with cream on top) at the Stop & Shop but they also have this brand called Brown Cow, also with cream on top (best yogurt you can buy by the way). I piled into my cart several flavors of Brown Cow "cream-on-top" yogurt: Maple, Raspberry, Cherry Vanilla, Coffee. There is a very surly worker in that section re-stocking the various yogurts on tap. He scowls at me and tells me that if I want that much yogurt, I can call for it in advance, so that he can sell it to me by the case. My guess is that he's annoyed that I was reaching for the yogurt in the back (which has the later expiration dates). I then move on to the eggs and I am confronted with all kinds of "free range", "omega-3" and "grain-fed" egg options. I decide upon a dozen eggs from some local farm that I drive by on the way to work each morning. Yes, I guess I'll check these eggs out and see if they are any different than the Stop & Shop eggs.
Now one thing about the Whole Foods is that it is over-the-top pretentious. There are about a zillion brand names you've never heard of and all the brands you have heard of (Hershey, Kraft, Nabisco, Pillsbury, Proctor & Gamble) will most certainly NOT be available at the Whole Foods. Let the great unwashed who would allow such pedestrian products into their homes shop at the Stop & Shop (or Wal-Mart). That seems to be the general attitude at the Whole Foods, anyhow.
I'm in the nut section now and pondering whether I should buy the $7.99 raw cashews, the $8.99 roasted jumbo (but unsalted) cashews or the $9.99 roasted and salted cashews (but not jumbo). There is also cashew butter, just in case regular peanut butter doesn't float your boat. For that matter, there is pistachio butter, almond butter and sunflower seed butter as well. If you do want plain old peanut butter, you are going to have to bend over and get it from a tiny section on the bottom shelf. Also, it will be the type that has the oil layer on top.
It strikes me that most of the customers here do not have to work for a living. They are evidently living off trust funds, or sponging otherwise off their moms and dads. How do I know this? Because based on their personal appearance, no respectable employer would ever hire these people, other than maybe tatoo parlors and independent record stores (if they still even exist). Many of them sport body piercing that makes you wonder if they accidently tripped on a boat during a fishing trip and landed face-first in a tackle box. Maybe that's what defines a liberal - one who does not have to work for a living. Be it somebody poor and on welfare, or somebody from a rich family who is living off a trust fund (or married to somebody rich).
The biggest section in Whole Foods is the prepared food section. This is for people who are not content to buy the overpriced foods and cook it themselves. No. They need to pay even more and have it cooked for them already. They have a salad/food bar where you can put together a ready made meal for $9.99 a pound. I tried this once at lunch a few years ago and when I got to the register, I was charged something like $23. It was a good lunch though. Most of the foods in the prepared food section however were way too exotic and overpriced for me.
Then you got your frozen foods and bakery sections which I sort of rushed through. They had entire rows dedicated to nothing but crackers, chips and cookies. Junk food, basically. Only you are paying a premium for it. Eating a box of "all-natural" Whole Foods cookies will make you just as fat as a Wal-Mart box of Oreo Cookies. Ditto for a bag of Whole Foods "all-natural blue corn tortilla chips" as opposed to a bag of Doritos at the Stop and Shop. Basically, Whole Foods has just as much junk food as your local 7-11. Only more expensive.
On my way to the registers, I passed the candy section and there were about 500 varieties of candy bars - all natural and healthy for you, of course. You had chocolate bars with fancy foreign sounding names that costed $5 or more. You could get a case of Mounds bars at the Wal-Mart for the price of one small bar of premium swiss white chocolate at the Whole Foods.
Still, I hit the registers with the feeling that I was going to return with a lot of healthy, wholesome food for the family. At the registers, I was confronted with a wide variety of "sports" bars that are intended for use when hiking the Appalachian trail or scaling Mt. Washington. More glorified junk food. I avoided the cashier that was wearing a burka and got a cashier that looked a bit like Fred Flintstone. He went through the whole routine of "Did I find everything I was looking for" as he zipped my purchases over the scanner. By the time he was 1/3 of the way through, my grocery bill was already in triple digits and climbing upward at a staggering pace. One of the baggers ambled over and asked me if I brought my own "bags", as if he actually thought I was the type that would bring those girly "recyclable" canvas bags to the supermarket with me. I just stared him down and asked him if he could "double-bag" for me so that I could use up twice as much paper. Besides, I like to use paper grocery bags for kindling when I start lighting up my wood-burning fireplace in the fall. However, my satisfaction with making the bagger double-bag was shortlived when I saw the final bill.
It came to $323.34.
This will be the last time my wife ever has me do the grocery shopping again, I guarantee it!
When I got back to my car, there was a concerned looking middle-aged woman staring into the back seat of my car. Apparently she was all concerned that I had my dog in the backseat and with a condenscending and superior attitude, she told me she was considering calling the animal rescue league or some such place if I took much longer getting back to my car. Meanwhile, the outside temperature is about 70 degrees and there is my dog happily sitting in the back, still in the shade, no hotter than it would be in my own living room at home, thriving on all the attention, with the windows cranked halfway down so that it could jump right out of the car if it really did get that hot and uncomfortable. As I loaded my bags in the trunk, I wished her good day and told her to remember to vote Republican this November and as she stalked off, I backed out of the parking space and began the long journey home to try and explain to my wife how I could spend over $300 doing the groceries.
Hildy you don’t live in Mass, so don’t cast aspersions, Sam is on the money.
You can have fun with the young cashiers if they ‘ax’ you for a zip code say quickly I 8 1 U 8 1 2, most will try and enter it , then look puzzled and ‘ax’ again, and again quickly say I 8 1 U 8 1 2, never fails.
Oh yeah, I’ve taken my kid in there wearing her two fav Tshirts: one says “weepublican” the other has a pic of Reagan and says “old school conservative”. No one has tossed me out and a few have actually winked at us.
If you're wondering where the people who shop @ WF get their money, why they get it from you! Either in the form of subsidized Sallie student loans, SNAP, or just good 'ole mortgage loan forgiveness.
The second point I would make is that WF is a marketing operation. They have cleverly taken basic food stuffs available at any of the major chains and re-packaged/presented to appeal to their targeted demographic: those that don't know the value (at least yet) of money.
To people who know, neither WF or TJs (both are within 2-3 miles of us) have high quality food. That title goes respectively to Costco & some of the local regional produce markets. Yes, you can buy bulk crap @ Costco - I'm talking about the gourmet sections (like prime NY steak) that charge around 1/2 the price of regular store prices.
There is one new very professionally operated produce market that siphoned off every thinking person from WF & TJ. You'd be hard pressed to spend over $20 on around 30 lbs of produce. Yes, fruit (apples, etc), high quality veggies, etc all avg under $1/lb.
That's the beauty of capitalism. For every faux WF, there are real wholesome food markets that will clean their clocks.
I suspect you were in the nut section once you walked through the doors.
I’m not a yuppie or a trust fund baby. I just happen to like good food and what’s good for me.
Yes, it is expensive and $300 plus is not unusual. Just for me, I once spent over $90. But...when you are on a restricted diet, as I am, Whole Foods can be a lifesaver. Where I live, the supermarkets are starting to get into healthier food, but they don’t compare to what’s available at WF.
By the way, I understand that WF has consistently ranked as one of the top employers. And these stores do a lot for the economy. So I’m not going to knock WF.
He sure is...sounds just like my experience in Hadley; but I believe I spent $3, not $300.
I had to go to my Subaru dealer today to get the Subaru Super Coolant (almost $30). Trader Joe's wines are definitely much cheaper, but you will void your warranty if you use it in your car. BTW, Trader Joe's has a little bit of a hippie quality to it, but the prices and quality are great. One reason: it's non-union.
ROTFLMAO!!! Nailed it...
Very well-written piece. I know what you’re talking about, I live in an area like that (Montgomery County, Maryland, a collar county of DC). You’re funny.
It's amusing to think about the head-scratching that must go on when retailers try to figure out why so many people from that area are apparently visiting their stores.
It's amusing to think about the head-scratching that must go on when retailers try to figure out why so many people from that area are apparently visiting their stores.
I’m with you. I started going to the Pittsburgh Whole Foods just to show my support for their CEO taking a stand against Obamacare. I also usually head just down the road to TJ’s to get the rest of my provisions. Did you know TJ’s is owned by the same family that runs Aldi? Aldi’s has some of the best (and cheapest) chocolate in the world.
We call it "Whole Wallet" out here in AZ.
I actually looked at property in Thermopolis, WY before I retired, many relatives in the area. Overpriced at the time, Quad Cities, 5600 total population.
LOL! Was this the Bedford store or the Andover store?
I used to work near the Bedford store. A few weeks after 9/11, I and a co-worker went there to pick up lunch. The cashier was wearing a flag pin...upside down. Oh yeah, cost $75 for a couple of pre-packaged sushis, fruit smoothies, and a couple of pastries. Yikes!
My last visit to the Bedford store was after Christmas. The place is looking a little gray and dingy.
How very wrong you are.
Whole Foods is a grocery store. Yes, they have gimmicks to try and sell their wares; so does Walmart and every other store. Big whoop.
The difference between Whole Foods and other chains is that most of the food sold there is ACTUAL FOOD.
To be certified organic, a fruit or vegetable may not be perfect but it’s not covered with neurotoxins like the produce at other stores. You need to check the labels at WF too; not all their stuff is organic, but it’s the chain where you find the MOST organic produce.
You will have a selection of dry foods that do not contain hydrogenated fats or high fructose corn syrup. This is IMPOSSIBLE at your average store. Read the labels. You will find products including corn, anything from cereals to pizzas to frozen burritos, that contain ORGANIC corn, the only non GMO corn available. This again is not possible in a regular store. Nothing, NOTHING, is made from organic corn there. Corn is one of the most oversprayed, overprocessed grains around, and one of the most used in the American diet.
Why would anyone buy supermarket meat? You cannot if you read Michael Pollan’s “The Omnivore’s Dilemma” (which I suggest you read) and know the difference between the steer raised for the standard slaughterhouse and the one from the free-range organic ranch. Pollan followed a steer designed for each kind of life, all along the chain. It’s an eye-opening read, and he writes brilliantly.
Only Whole Foods has a huge selection of wild, line-caught fish and tells you exactly where it was caught. Farmed fish is not even healthy. It’s fed with GMO corn or some other Chinese-made grain product. Not what the fish had in mind, or your stomach, either. Not only did your organic, free-range chicken have a better life and diet than the supermarket chickens, it tastes so good only salt and pepper are needed when you roast it. You don’t need it to be injected with MSG like all the rotisserie chickens in every other place are.
If you see me in a mainstream grocery store, know that I am buying paper products or maybe something that doesn’t need to be organic, like bananas. There is not much real, un-franken-food in there.
I spend that much EVERY WEEK at Whole Foods. I am happy driving old cars and saving on other things. I will not compromise on my family’s diet, because what you eat actually does become your body, and we only get one body on this planet. Who cares what the shoppers look like? There are also moms like me in there, who are trying to raise their families on actual food that nourishes and heals, and not junk that causes deficiencies and chronic illness.
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