Looking at Gaddafi is like looking at an old wrinkled ass......
.
I'd rather look at Anthony Weiner
Jokes about musicians....
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What’s the difference between a professional musician and a government bond?
A: The government bond eventually matures and earns a little money.
Q: What’s the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?
A: A rock musician plays three chords in front of thousands of people. A jazz musician plays thousands of chords in front of three people.
Q: What’s the difference in size between a violin and a viola?
A: There is none; violinists just have bigger heads.
Q: What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower. Also, your neighbors get pretty upset if you borrow their lawnmower and don’t return it.
Q: How do you get a bass player off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How do you know if a kid on the playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: The kid can’t swing and doesn’t know how to use the slide.
Q: How do you know the person at the front door is a drummer?
A: He doesn’t know when to come in.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: What are the two biggest lies a lead guitarist tells?
A: 1 - I am NOT playing too loud! 2 - I already turned it down! (BTW, I used to play lead guitar in a band and was constantly butting heads with our soundman over how loud I was playing.)
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a CFL?
A: Five. One to change it, and the other four to tell him how an incandescent bulb produces warmer, more natural light.
Lovemaking tips for seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
______
There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking.
One old man asked the other, “How is your wife?”
Second old man replied, “I think she may be dead!”
First old man, “What do you mean you THINK she may be dead?”
“Well”, answered the second old man, “the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.”
bttt
The Male Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ta-tas.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ta-tass, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 32, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she left me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ta-tas.
Woohoo! A day late but still silly!
MEMO
To: All cat lovers
From: A concerned friend
Subj: How to wash the cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet and remove the thing that makes the water blue.
2. Add an appropriate amount of shampoo, based upon the size of the cat, to the toilet water. Leave both lids up.
3. Retrieve the cat and soothe him/her as you carry him/her towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and immediately close both lids.
NOTE: You may need to stand on the lid.
CAUTION: Do not allow any part of your body to come too close to the edge of the toilet, as claws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Wait while the cat self-agitates, making ample suds.
NOTE: Disregard the noises coming from your toilet. The cat does actually enjoy this.
6. Flush the toilet three or four times to provide a “power-wash” and “rinse,” which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open a door to the outside and ensure that there are no people or other living things between the toilet and the outside world.
8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. Consider using a towel or belt from a bathrobe to lift the lids. (See “CAUTION” on item number 4.)
9. The cat will fly from the toilet, and run outside where he will thoroughly dry himself with no further assistance.
Good luck. This really does work!
Sincerely,
The Dog
BTW, these days Ol’ Moammar looks like Lionel Richie became homelessand then later became a zombie.