Halloween Guide For Dieting Parents (Vanity)

Any time a large amount of candy changes hands, and borderline-overweight parents are in charge, the potential for disaster is high. Treat Halloween like you would a third or fourth cruise, when you know how much girth-expansion is coming. How much weight do you want to gain? The usual 3 or 4 pounds, which can be rationalized away as water weight, or the “Full Monty,” 10-15 pounds, where nothing you used to wear fits anymore? Assuming you would like your weight gain to be minimal, read on, dear reader, to avoid the pitfalls of this potentially disastrous evening. Remember, sweat pants and sweatshirts don’t go over too well at business meetings, so this is critical.

And remember there is no way to survive the evening without gaining any weight. Rumor has it that that was done by a parent back in the early 1950’s in Philadelphia, but that claim was soon revealed as a fraud. So just give it up. Besides, remember all the weight-loss commercials that hit the airwaves in January, and we all want to contribute to the rebounding economy, so a little weight gain is acceptable. You have to be patriotic.

First, a week or two before the big night, start stocking up on candy you will be giving away to the trick-or-treaters. But here is the important part that cannot be over-emphasized: buy only candy that you hate. For me it is any candy with coconut, like Mounds or Almond Joy. I simply can’t stand that candy. Sour gummy candy or black licorice is also retch-inducing for me, and when I was a kid I used to think that whoever designed that candy should be executed. Now I consider them a blessing.

But whatever you decide, do a thorough search for candy that has the particular ingredient that others might find OK but you find disgusting. And don’t get carried away here; it has to be candy in a wrapper or else the neighbors will talk. And no beef-jerky — it gives the kiddies gas. And only dorks give away healthy stuff like cheese sticks or granola bars. The key here is to make sure you are not that house on the block that runs out of candy before Halloween is over, whether it is from giving candy away to more trick-or-treaters than expected, or by having candy that you eat so that there will no longer be any candy for the kids. I remember a few years ago being in a grocery store on Halloween night and seeing a panicked parent, asking to buy whatever candy was still on hand because he had run out. I overheard the guy say that he had been giving out Nestle Crunch bars, and ran out after too many kids came by. Sure, I thought, you probably ate it all yourself! (Actually that is what I was doing at that grocery store that night. We had been giving away Mr. Goodbars and I finished them all by myself!)

And when the evening is over, save whatever is left for next year. One would think that after a few years, candy goes bad, but just remember that Twinkies have been found to last forever, so why wouldn’t other candy too? True story: tombs have been found in Egypt with Twinkies buried along with the pharaohs, and the Twinkies were still found to be tasty, thousands of years later. Or am I thinking of the honey found there? I don’t remember. But the point is that most candy nowadays, chock full of preservatives and artificial colors, petroleum-based flavoring and the rest, will last a generation. If anyone complains that you just gave them candy that was clearly from the 1980’s or earlier, tell them that it is vintage and that it is the latest style.

And remember to have a light-hearted Halloween movie playing on the TV. Something interesting enough to distract you from the candy stashes of the kids coming by. You don’t want to be tempted to trade an extra fistful of your awful candy for the Snickers or Kit-Kat you see inside the candy-carrier of the next trick-or-treater at your door.

Here are my favorite Halloween movies: Young Frankenstein, Elvira Mistress Of The Dark, and Transylvania 6-5000.

Young Frankenstein: who knew Dr. Frankenstein had a grandson, who was also a doctor? This movie has enough satire of all of the Frankenstein movies with Marty Feldman uttering many good lines. Not for the kids to watch, but after watching this movie, every time you hear horses neigh you will wonder who called out the name “Frau Blucher!”

Elvira: if you missed all those early 80′s Los Angeles Channel 9 campy movie introductions by Elvira, here’s your chance to finally see them, along with all the boob jokes you can handle, a little valley-talk, and some really good slapstick. My daughter, the 3 Stooges connoisseur of the family, had many out-loud laughs with Elvira. One viewing might be necessary to be alerted to the occasional bad language. Elvira’s other movie, Elvira’s Haunted Hills, has a great name but not as many laughs.

Transylvania 6-5000 is a classic spoof of most horror movies, set in Transylvania, with Ed Begley Jr. and Jeff Goldblum making a pretty good comic team. By the end of the movie Begley does some good rabble-rousing and Goldblum does a great man-scream. Of these movies, this movie is the most child-friendly.

Or you could just go old-style and watch some real horror movies like The Shining, Dracula, Final Destination 1, 2, or 3 (hey, I thought they were each called “Final”!), or you could just check out Michelle Malkin’s Twitter feed or hear a pitch for Amway or MonaVie. But come to think of it, there is a difference between scary and masochistic.

But with these simple steps to surviving Halloween, the dieting parent will gain a minimum of weight. Remember we still have Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up.

We usually only get a handfull of trick-or-treaters at my house, so one year we handed out mini decks of playing cards instead of candy. They seemed to go over pretty well with both the kids and the parents.
(The cards were “go fish” and “crazy 8’s” type of decks, not the standard poker-style decks.)

I think the year I had no trouble staying away from the candy bowl was a year we’d stocked up on my favorite candy, I had one piece, and abruptly found that the company had changed their recipe to include something I was moderately allergic to! No hospital visit needed, but spending most of the evening curled up from the stomach cramps was more than enough to keep me off chocolate for a couple of weeks. I hate soybean oil.

Sorry this happened to you! Soybean oil, huh? You must have to be a good label reader since soybeans are added to so much food!

Well Ellendra, now you know what candy to stock up on for next Halloween! Getting sick instead of just not liking the candy is a sure way to stay away from that candy...;)

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