Advice and Prayers for troubled kid

I'll be honest: I just signed up today with a new name because I'm too ashamed to use the one I've been using on FR since early 2001. I'm asking for advice and prayers.

I'm a single (unwillingly divorced) mother, on my own for many years. Firstborn is doing very well in life. Younger kid is 17. He has always been a good, sweet, affectionate boy. Average intelligence, but kind of held back by a learning disability. Basically a B/C student if he tries hard. His scoutmaster, who is a former Marine colonel, his JROTC commander, his employers, neighbors, other kids' parents, teachers, everybody thought he was great. The Scoutmaster and JROTC commander both thought he'd be a very fine young officer with real leadership potential. He was really no trouble. We have been a churchgoing family, so I thought I could trust him and that he had learned good ethics.

Partly because his dad left a long time ago, my son has always felt as though he had to be the man of the house so he was even more interested than most kids in weapons and the military. He planned to enlist in the army after he turns 18 next May, when he graduates from high school. It's all he cares about in life. He doesn't have huge talents at anything else a person could do for a living. The promise of being able to join the army has been the carrot that's been dangled in front of his nose to keep him on track toward high school graduation. There was nothing anyone could do to get him interested in college before the Army. No, he was going in the US Army and kick him some hadji butt! He lived for the day he could go fight for his country. Kept assuring me seriously that he'd never do anything to mess up his chance to join the service. Such a great kid--I was so proud of him, and all the medals and honors he won for his great ROTC performance.

Yesterday afternoon a pair of police detectives came to my house. They showed me security camera photos of my son and two of his 18-year-old friends as they were burglarizing some nearby construction trailers in the middle of the night. They did a lot of damage in the course of breaking in, as well as stupid vandalism, and they took some expensive electronic equipment. Some other stuff had been taken--low-cost things I had seen in his bedroom, which he told me he bought. There was absolutely no question he did it. On the nights these crimes took place he was supposed to be spending the night at his best buddy's house.

He was with his father then, so I called his father, who talked to the cops and agreed to bring him into the police station. The cops talked to all of us. Apparently this has been going on for a few months with several episodes. The other kids are in worse trouble because they're 18, but they're all dumb kids, immature and very boy-like for their ages. I hadn't realized his other friends were eighteen.

All the parents thought we were doing the right thing and supervising our kids carefully, raising them right, praying with them and for them, but we weren't; we got outsmarted and lied to.

Things are very tough for me and my ex-husband, and I have no spare savings at all for fancy lawyers. I am out of work and broke, and my home business is not making any money. This is going to wreck us.

The cops say that a good attitude, real contrition, and a commitment to make restitution are important. The damage these idiots did was extensive and may run into five figures so restitution is not going to be easy, especially for a kid who has a criminal record that will make getting a job very hard. Since our son is a minor, the company whose stuff these fools vandalized could sue us, the parents. But ideally, with the right judge, the record will be sealed by the time he turns 18 and no one would know about it. I hope so. A felony conviction is kind of the end of hope of having a decent job and a decent life.

I don't know about a military career now, though. Not sure if they military can or will ask about former crimes when he applies to enlist. That's assuming he even can graduate from high school now.

His father is calm and logical. I am a wreck, crying sometimes, filled with utter horror that a boy I thought was a good, dear person could have done something so deeply wrong, several times. Also trying to figure out how I could have been stupid enough to think the boys were just playing XBox games when they were together. (That's what they were doing whenever they were at my house.)

Oh, one more thing: my stupid kid sprayed a racial slur on the walls of the shack they broke into. So now maybe the state's attorney is going to consider this a hate crime.

I have NO intention of sheltering my son or being an enabler or protecting him from the consequences of his crime, but on the other hand I don't want his life wrecked forever by stupidity committed when he was 17. Is it possible to have punishment in balance?

So please don't beat up on me, I'm already suffering enough. If anyone has suggestions or can spare a prayer for us, please. We need all the help we can get. Thoughts and ideas are welcome.

Best of luck with this. And don’t beat yourself up too much. My children are young but I already know that they are experts in outsmarting us oldsters! (And I don’t think I ever did anything jailworthy, but I certainly did a lot of things myself as a teen that I’m very glad I was never caught at! And of course would never do now.)

Much very good advice here. I would just add that teens are still not good at really thinking through possible consequences of their decisions. They are also bad at visualizing real consequences. If you can do so in a matter-of-fact way, rather than super-emotional, take him to a homeless shelter and let him see the people there — some there through no fault of their own, but many others there because they made bad decisions and ran with bad people. Does he want to be one of those people? Find out if a prison or jail near you has any kind of “scared straight” program, or gives tours or anything. Take him to one of those places. Is that really, really the sort of place he wants to spend years of his life? Surely not....

Best of luck, and keep the faith, things should get better now. Blessings on you and him.

Recruitments are up so he has made it vastly tougher to get his enlistment approved. DO NOT LIE TO THE RECRUITING OFFICER; even if his record is sealed as a juvenile, they will ultimately find out. If the Uniformed Services find out about this later on, they will bounce him out with a BCD or a DD for falsifying his enlistment documents. His scout master being a retired former Marine (Colonel no less), and his ROTC officers can go to the recruiters office and speak on his behalf the day he goes down to enlist. Tell him he MUST finish high school with at least a 2.5 to 3.0 grade average, the modern military does not accept below average people any more and they don't have to. It's not 1968 any more, and now days it takes approximately 1.5 million dollars to train and equip a competent field grade soldier or Marine. My prayers are with you and your son; I hope he does the right thing. The only difference between him and me is that I hadn't quite worked my way up to a felony when I enlisted in the Corps in 1968. I told the recruiter every misdemeanor I had been convicted of, and had my California Cadet Corps Commandant speak in my behalf and it worked. 5 years in the Corps and an Honorable Discharge on the day I got out.

Having raised boys nothing surprises me any more. If this is his first run in, and he convinces the judge with help from character refs it should blow over. If he has a car sell it. At least he’s not 18.

1) I managed to catch a 17-year-old thief breaking into a car, and stealing stuff he didn't need. In Juvie Court, he was remanded to his Grandfather, and nothing more was said of it. This happened in a big immigrant city, so I can't say with any assurance what will happen where you are.

2) I foresee a change if parents promised their 12-year-olds a $20,000 car upon reaching their state's age for driving. They would witness—firsthand—the effects of Inflation on their dollar.

3) Second, every expense that comes unforeseen to those parents would be deducted from that $20,000 car!!!

I don't know what it is about teens. You raise them right and then they pull this stuff. I have one who's goal is to majorly screw up the future and drag us down, too. Honor student and tops at everything until college when everything bombed. So, btdt and after all of it can't afford the t-shirt. Just know we're behind you.

The most important thing is to make sure he's not being charged as an adult. Most states will charge 17 year olds as adults. Get a good attorney who will fight for him. The prosecutor will want to go to court with all of them charged as adults to make his case stronger. Don't let that happen.

Talk to the cops to make them understand this was a one time stupid incident.

Talk to his recruiter (does he have one?). There's been more than one kid here who's had to have their recruiter get them out of jams. Make sure he is on your son's list of character witnesses. Seriously, a recruiter makes for a good “get out of jail” card. Years ago, a relative got in big time trouble and was facing prison but the judge told him either join the army or go to prison - he chose the army. So have your attorney work the scouting and JROTC angles.

Get the JROTC commander, scoutmaster and church pastor on the character witness list. If you can fill the courtroom with people who support him, the judge can't ignore them.

Don't let the police and prosecutor bully you. Here, they go out of their way to bully everyone. The minute they come out with any lie or twist the truth, nip it in the bud. Do NOT let them have an inch or they'll take a mile. Seen it happen far too many times with juveniles and innocent adults. I'm talking now, before the legal processes get underway.

When/if it does get to court, discuss with your attorney about not letting the prosecutor lump all the boys together into one trial. If the others are 18, that’ll give them an excuse to charge your son as an adult, too and they'll try to get the same sentence for all of them.

During your hearing, make sure your attorney doesn't let the prosecutor get off on some tangent or lie. If your attorney doesn't protest, the lie stands. I've seen that happen far too many times, too. Some attorneys don't think it's important so either you poke him in the back (sit yourself directly behind him) and if he won't speak up at least you can frown and shake your heads so the judge sees what you're doing without verbally interrupting his court.

Good luck.

Thank you, everyone. It’s wonderful to be able to “talk” to people like you, with your experience, wisdom, and sound values. So far I haven’t been able to tell any of my friends because they all have amazing children who are going to Stanford or Oxford or are singing opera professionally or winning a prize for medical research or just being lovely, happy, God-loving young people, while I’m just struggling to get my boy through high school. No one among my friends would understand.

And thank you, Admins, for permitting this thread to go through. I know we are supposed to honorably stick with one screenname and in my opening sentences I admitted that this screenname is a new one just made up for this purpose.

My son is probably going to be charged on Tuesday. Which means I have Monday to find a juvenile defense lawyer and get his opinion. My son wants to go to the place he burglarized and personally apologize to the man he hurt and offended. He has already given the cops back the stolen items he had in his possession. He has admitted everything. We told him to tell the truth.

The detective also said that Child Protective Services would come to our house to inspect it and make sure my son was not being abused. You can all imagine how much I dread this.

I just wish to God that somehow the kid could go into the military. Truly, I don’t think he’d need straightening once he got there, as it would be his dream come true. Wish my son could have that option. (Of course he did have the option; he just blew it. I mean, I wish I could have the option to get his act straightened out now when he really needs it.)

This is so stupid. These guys were dressing up in camos and chasing each other around in the woods on “missions,” playing Soldiers and Terrorists as if they were eight years old. They were like little kids, shooting each other with paintballs and saying “Dude, you’re dead!” And then one thing led to another, to another, to another. Then it wasn’t a kid’s game anymore; it’s a serious crime.

Those of you who note that there is a seed of good in even great trials are right. Everyone’s favorite scripture verse is Romans 8:28: “All things work for good for those who are called according to His purpose.”

God help us.

I would love to know why it is that whenever anybody on FR posts about a personal issue, someone doubts that it’s legit.

So tell me, FRiend, what exactly is making you suspicious? I’m sorry to say that in a little while you’re probably going to be able to find the court filing records of my son’s 18-year-old friends online. Will you believe me then, or do you want me to post a photo of my only son being fingerprinted at the police station? You want me to post that here to satisfy you?

I am the mother of teenaged boys, too, and if one of my sons ever did those things, I would be shocked and very worried, just like you are.

However, think about the days when you were in your teens. I remember many teenaged boys doing stupid things and getting into all sorts of trouble when I was young. (I was no angel myself when I was a teenaged girl!) We all make mistakes. He’s still young, and he can set his life on the right path again. Now that you know what he’s been up to, you can keep a closer eye on what he’s doing. Saying a prayer for you!

Find out if a prison or jail near you has any kind of “scared straight” program, or gives tours or anything. Take him to one of those places.Good advice and would go a long way in showing you're a good parent and putting him on the straight and narrow. It shows he's willing as well. If there's not a prison willing to do this, check with the county, city and juvie jails/detention centers. Don't call, but go down in person as it's harder to dismiss someone in person. Or is there a state juvenile facility near you? Maybe talk to the juvenile probation officer for some ideas. Sure, it may take time and effort on your part but anything he does now can only improve his chances.

Mother, mother, mother, mother...STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.
This son of yours has a wonderful life in front of him IF he learns his lesson from this situation. Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it. Your son will turn this around. God is on your son's side and He will make this evil to be good in your son's life. Now rest in your Faith that God is sovereign and NOTHING is going to happen to your son that the Father has not designed for the better of your son's life. Rest, rest...and know that this is going to be ok.

First of all take a deep breath and remember that God is in charge.

Someone in one of the previous posts stated that God was the only perfect parent. Yes, and look what Adam and Eve did to him in the garden. If the first children of God failed him, how can we expect to do any better.

Prayers for you and your son. May the Lord give you peace that passes all understand. I have seen and heard of miracles in the courtroom as well as in the hospital. My suggestion is to give the issue to God and no matter the outcome of the court, the potential lawsuit from the damaged party, or anything else. Trust in him and lean not on your own understanding. This may well be the wake-up call that turns him around and could be the preventive measure that keeps him from doing even worse.

I have two different friends that have raised sons in the church that had one of their sons really ran them through a rough patch at about 17-18. Both sets of parents spent many a night in prayer. Both of the boys are now so grateful for their parents and so sorry for what they did that they can’t do enough for their parents.

Both of my sons (raised in the church and in scouts) went through a major attitude at that age. You would have thought that my hubby and I took the biggest stupid pill ever made. Our youngest is now 21 and our oldest is 26. Currently the youngest still had a bit of the attitude, but has improved greatly since he is out on his own. Meanwhile the oldest thinks that we are very smart, in fact we are most likely bordering on brilliant in his eyes.

Please let us know how it all turns out.

get a lawyer, even if it is a public defender. If he has a clean record, and a known learning disability, they might let him off with counseling and community service, by pleading that his learning disability made him vulnerable to the other’s manipulation.

The Army is out. Try a trade school type education instead. I’d say the Job corps, but my son reports a lot of criminal and drug users are in the Job corps and their crimes are overlooked out of political correctness. My son did well because he is Hispanic and the Hispanics stuck together and followed the rules because they wanted jobs, so it’s not all programs.

I’ll remember you in my prayers.

Wasn’t it Mark Twain that said something like “It was amazing how much my parents had learned in those four years I was away at college.”?

My prayers for you and your son. Luckily I got all of my bad stuff out of my system between 4th grade and 7th grade! And some of it was pretty awful stuff that if caught would have meant juvenile or some such. But even at 17 I did stupid things. (Or for that matter - 51!) My mom thought for sure I would be the one ending up in prison growing up. (Now I’m the only one that still regularly goes to church!)

Life is a lot harder for these kids nowadays too. And with our disconnected society, I think that it is taking them longer to find themselves and grow up. Hopefully your son can work hard to do whatever it takes to make amends and get back on the path for the military.

And NPC - thanks for your thoughts - yes, God IS in charge. Even when we our confused, scared, etc. Our 14-year old daughter is going through a tough time and it takes a lot of trust in God. This is my first time as a parent where I can’t help. As a child if she fell and got hurt I could pull my hanky out of my pocket and make it all better. But the emotional pain she is going through now is so deep that she doesn’t even know what is going on we don’t think. I think we finally have a counselor that will be a good fit - so there is an answer to prayer. And we can help in the sense of getting her the proper care, supporting her, etc. - we can’t SOLVE THE PROBLEM. (And as a dad - that’s my job! ;)

Thank you for sharing about your son and this situation. Asking God to comfort you and give you peace right now. Prayers for your son, your family, and his stupid friends & their families. This situation calls for the Great Physician.

My 16 year old godson is in rehab right now and has put his parents and all of us who care about him through a lot in the last two years, so I can relate in a godmother-like way to the tears, fears & grief.

I’m glad you posted, God bless.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.