Dear JR and FreeRepublic: I haven't been laid by anyone but my hairy cellmate in years so I got zot

[srm913]

Thank you, FR, for the truly marvelous entertainment _{(as I haven't been laid in so long I get no other entertainment other than watching people on here like a perv stalker)} . While lurking tonight _{(the internet version of peeping in your windows)} for the first time in ages, the amount of schadenfreude I'm experiencing is bordering on orgasmic _{(which is the closest I've gotten to the real thing in years)}.

Y'all have a blessed day. I certainly will! _{(after I go play hide the Anthony Wiener with my 'blue' friends who have nothing else to do either other than peep at websites they were banned from.)}

[reaganaut]

Good catch.

[reaganaut]

Oh dear! I’ve heard it all now!

- - -
Oh, no, onyx dear, you have not. I can give you quotes from Mormon prophets and leaders where they discuss Quakers living on the Moon, vegetables having spirits and children, that God is really Adam, Jesus and Lucifer are brothers, Jesus will return to Missouri (where the Garden of Eden is), that “the Fall” in the garden was a GOOD THING, Jesus was crucified because he was a polygamist...

The magic underwear isn’t the least weird thing to come out of Mormonism by a long shot.

[onyx]

I’m overwhelmed! This reads like a novel. I knew Joseph Smith was a delusional crackpot so I ignored the rest of it: “Live and Let Live.” They aren’t flying airplanes into our buildings or threatening to blow us off the map. I thought, “what is the harm?”

I’ve seen and read about those Polygamy freaks, but I’ve had very normal Mormon neighbors who just stored food.

[onyx]

Hiya dayglored!

WOW! Just my luck to come across all this late at night! LOL.

Photos included. Ugly underwear for being magic. Wow.

[reaganaut]

Welcome to the FR version of “Late Night Television”.

I’ve noticed things get a bit different in the middle of the night around here. LOL.

[reaganaut]

They may appear normal but their theology is anything but. And, yes, even the average Mormon believes the weird stuff.

[onyx]

For crying out loud. I recall hearing something about Jesus returning to Missouri and I wondered when He was there the first time? Now, I’, learning that He is Adam and the Garden of Eden is in Missouri? Who knew?

I think I will go to bed and continue my studies in the morning.

Just WOW!

[onyx]

LOLOLOL.

[leapfrog0202]

WOW - we’re full of them tonight. Slimy, creepy crawly creatures crawling out from underneath a rock at DU - *shuddering*

Thanks for taking care of them Jim and mods!

[onyx]

This was 3 decades ago, when my children were small. Mine rode horses with their kids who also had horses of their own. We lived in the county outside San Diego. They moved away (to Salt Lake City, of course).

[reaganaut]

To be fair they have kind of thrown the Adam is God teaching of Brigham Young (one of their most loved prophets) under the bus, however, I do know some modern LDS who still believe it and it was taught as doctrine for many decades.

Also, God’s real name is “Ahman” and Jesus is “Son Ahman” (read it outloud) in the “pure Adamic language”. That comes directly from their scriptures.

Sleep well and I hope I didn’t give you nightmares. ;)

[dayglored]

> Ugly underwear for being magic. Wow.

No kidding, Onyx. Sets a whole new standard for rampant dorkiness. Then again, I wore FOTL whites for years as a teenager, who am I to criticize with regard to fashion? LOL

[dayglored]

I can hardly wait for someone to ask Romney the key question:

"BOXERS OR BRIEFS???"

[steelyourfaith]

I recall that when we attended the 9/12 march on the Capitol, as the crowd was finally dispensing there was this twerp pedaling his
bicycle as fast as his little legs could go as he kept screaming to the marchers at the top of his little lungs, "I hate you. I hate you." Could that have been you?

[Elsie]

It runs in the family...

[Elsie]

Looks like meat's back on the menu boys!!!

Yup!!!

Warm weather is OVER!!!!

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THE
DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS
OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

SECTION 89

 

Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Kirtland, Ohio, February 27, 1833. HC 1: 327–329. As a consequence of the early brethren using tobacco in their meetings, the Prophet was led to ponder upon the matter; consequently he inquired of the Lord concerning it. This revelation, known as the Word of Wisdom, was the result. The first three verses were originally written as an inspired introduction and description by the Prophet.

 

1–9, Use of wine, strong drinks, tobacco, and hot drinks proscribed; 10–17, Herbs, fruits, flesh, and grain are ordained for the use of man and of animals; 18–21, Obedience to gospel law, including the Word of Wisdom, brings temporal and spiritual blessings.

 

  1 A ^aWord OF Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—

  2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the ^aword of wisdom, showing forth the order and ^bwill of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

  3 Given for a principle with ^apromise, adapted to the capacity of the ^bweak and the weakest of all ^csaints, who are or can be called saints.

  4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of ^aevils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of ^bconspiring men in the last days, I have ^cwarned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—

  5 That inasmuch as any man ^adrinketh ^bwine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.

  6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, ^apure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.

  7 And, again, ^astrong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.

  8 And again, tobacco is not for the ^abody, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.

  9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.

  10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome ^aherbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

  11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with ^aprudence and ^bthanksgiving.

  12 Yea, ^aflesh also of ^bbeasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used ^csparingly;

  13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be ^aused, only in times of winter, or of cold, or ^bfamine.

  14 All ^agrain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

  15 And ^athese hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

  16 All grain is good for the ^afood of man; as also the ^bfruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

  17 Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain.

  18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, ^ashall receive ^bhealth in their navel and marrow to their bones;

  19 And shall ^afind ^bwisdom and great ^ctreasures of ^dknowledge, even hidden treasures;

  20 And shall ^arun and not be ^bweary, and shall walk and not faint.

  21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the ^adestroying angel shall ^bpass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.

---

The Official Scriptures of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints © 2006 Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved. Rights and use information. Privacy policy.

---

Verses 12 & 13

[Elsie]

Cellmate?

From the posting history; it looks like about 7 years in isolation!

[Elsie]

I n

B efore

T he

Z ot!

 

 

Other FR acronyms with the letter "Z" (brought to you by the Book of Mormon) usually have something to do with a ZOT!

[Elsie]

There were a few times some posters found out that I am a Mormon, and their reactions were almost unprintable.

Guess what MORMONs have said about Christians. THEIR comments ARE printable!!!

---

---

Questions put to Joseph Smith: "'Do you believe the Bible?' [Smith:]'If we do, we are the only people under heaven that does, for there are none of the religious sects of the day that do'. When asked 'Will everybody be damned, but Mormons'? [Smith replied] 'Yes, and a great portion of them, unless they repent, and work righteousness." (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 119).

Joseph Smith: "for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible" (from Pearl of Great Price 1:12). "What is it that inspires professors of Christianity generally with a hope of salvation? It is that smooth, sophisticated influence of the devil, by which he deceives the whole world" (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p.270).

 

 

 

Brigham Young stated this repeatedly: "When the light came to me I saw that all the so-called Christian world was grovelling in darkness" (Journal of Discourses 5:73); "The Christian world, so-called, are heathens as to the knowledge of the salvation of God" (Journal of Discourses 8:171); "With a regard to true theology, a more ignorant people never lived than the present so-called Christian world" (Journal of Discourses 8:199); "And who is there that acknowledges [God's] hand? ...You may wander east, west, north, and south, and you cannot find it in any church or government on the earth, except the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" (Journal of Discourses , vol. 6, p.24); "Should you ask why we differ from other Christians, as they are called, it is simply because they are not Christians as the New Testament defines Christianity" (Journal of Discourses 10:230).

 

 

 

Orson Pratt proclaimed: "Both Catholics and Protestants are nothing less than the 'whore of Babylon' whom the Lord denounces by the mouth of John the Revelator as having corrupted all the earth by their fornications and wickedness. Any person who shall be so corrupt as to receive a holy ordinance of the Gospel from the ministers of any of these apostate churches will be sent down to hell with them, unless they repent" (The Seer, p. 255).

 

 

 

Orson Pratt also said: "This great apostasy commenced about the close of the first century of the Christian era, and it has been waxing worse and worse from then until now" (Journal of Discourses

, vol.18, p.44) and: "But as there has been no Christian Church on the earth for a great many centuries past, until the present century, the people have lost sight of the pattern that God has given according to which the Christian Church should be established, and they have denominated a great variety of people Christian Churches, because they profess to be ...But there has been a long apostasy, during which the nations have been cursed with apostate churches in great abundance" (Journal of Discourses , 18:172).

 

 

President John Taylor stated: "Christianity...is a perfect pack of nonsense...the devil could not invent a better engine to spread his work than the Christianity of the nineteenth century." (Journal of Discourses , vol. 6, p.167); "Where shall we look for the true order or authority of God? It cannot be found in any nation of Christendom." (Journal of Discourses , 10:127).

 

 

 

James Talmage said: "A self-suggesting interpretation of history indicates that there has been a great departure from the way of salvation as laid down by the Savior, a universal apostasy from the Church of Christ". (A Study of the Articles of Faith, p.182).

 

 

 

President Joseph Fielding Smith said: "Doctrines were corrupted, authority lost, and a false order of religion took the place of the gospel of Jesus Christ, just as it had been the case in former dispensations, and the people were left in spiritual darkness." (Doctrines of Salvation, p.266). "For hundreds of years the world was wrapped in a veil of spiritual darkness, until there was not one fundamental truth belonging to the place of salvation ...Joseph Smith declared that in the year 1820 the Lord revealed to him that all the 'Christian' churches were in error, teaching for commandments the doctrines of men" (Doctrines of Salvation, vol. 3, p.282).

 

 

 

More recent statements by apostle Bruce McConkie are also very clear: "Apostasy was universal...And this darkness still prevails except among those who have come to a knowledge of the restored gospel" (Doctrines of Salvation, vol 3, p.265); "Thus the signs of the times include the prevailing apostate darkness in the sects of Christendom and in the religious world in general" (The Millennial Messiah, p.403); "a perverted Christianity holds sway among the so-called Christians of apostate Christendom" (Mormon Doctrine, p.132); "virtually all the millions of apostate Christendom have abased themselves before the mythical throne of a mythical Christ whom they vainly suppose to be a spirit essence who is incorporeal uncreated, immaterial and three-in-one with the Father and Holy Spirit" (Mormon Doctrine, p.269); "Gnosticism is one of the great pagan philosophies which antedated Christ and the Christian Era and which was later commingled with pure Christianity to form the apostate religion that has prevailed in the world since the early days of that era." (Mormon Doctrine, p.316).

 

 

 

President George Q. Cannon said: "After the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was organized, there were only two churches upon the earth. They were known respectively as the Church of the Lamb of God and Babylon. The various organizations which are called churches throughout Christendom, though differing in their creeds and organizations, have one common origin. They all belong to Babylon" (Gospel Truth, p.324).

 

 

President Wilford Woodruff stated: "the Gospel of modern Christendom shuts up the Lord, and stops all communication with Him. I want nothing to do with such a Gospel, I would rather prefer the Gospel of the dark ages, so called" (Journal of Discourses , vol. 2, p.196).

[Elsie]

Carpel tunnel is not ALWAYS caused by KEYBOARDS!!