KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.’
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A little boy was overheard praying:
‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.’
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After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.’
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One particular four-year-old prayed,
‘And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’
One bright little girl replied,
‘Because people are sleeping.’
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !’
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A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked.
‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
‘Did God throw him back down?’
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A wife invited some people to dinner..
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
‘Would you like to say the blessing?’
‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied.
‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’
TOP 30 !?!?!
Two young boys, ages 7 and 9, decide they should take up swearing. They agree to try it on their mother next morning at breakfast.
The next morning they are at the table. Mom asks the younger one, “What would you like for breakfast?”
“Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios,” he says.
Mom reaches across the table and slaps him in the mouth. “That is NOT how we talk at the table!” She then turns to the older boy and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
He pauses for a moment, then says, “Well, you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level.
So I described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I
waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy
brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of
poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an
aggressive rattlesnake.”
Inspired by my story, the doctor said,
“You must be some outdoorsman!”
“No,” I replied,
“I’m just a $hitty golfer.”
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some
of those pills that help get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!
I’m still looking for a place to live.
_____
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf,
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it ! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning - intercourse or golfcourse’
She said,”Don’t forget your sweater.”
Football and the Blonde
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like...Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”
