Happy dance for obama...LOL
Posted on 09/07/2012 6:43:44 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
top 22
Campaign slogans...
Sandra Fluke:
“If you like c—k, vote for Barack!”
“If you want your hole widen, vote for Biden!”
Happy dance for obama...LOL
23KV!!!!! Holy defecation!!!! I spent 20 years as an ET (that’s electronics tech for you landlubbers) and never hit that!!! Worst I ever got was 325 VDC from a radio. Was aligning it, and supposed to be using a plastic tool. I had been up all night and was exhausted. Picked up a metal screwdriver (tweeker) and stuck it in there. Burned thumb and index finger where I was holding the tweeker, and the side of my hand that was on the chassis of the radio.
Your experience with electrical fence wire was quite vivid. I applaud you for making me lmfao.
Your fence story reminded me of a true news story from here in Norfolk, VA last week.
Seems this guy was arrested for growing pot in his backyard. How did he get caught?
The plants grew over his 8 foot high privacy fence. The neighbors saw them and called the police.
Idiot should have kept his bushes trimmed.
When Bill Met The Parents
One evening Mr. Rodham was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, Hillary came home with her new boyfriend, a boy named Bill. After being informed of the problem,
Bill said he could get the peanut out..
The Bill told Mr. Rodham to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up Mr. Rodham’s nose and told him to blow hard.
When Mr. Rodham blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and dHillary jumped and yelled for joy.
The young Bill insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to Mr. Rodham and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t that Bill smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’
Mr. Rodham replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, I would say our son-in-law.’
Thank God I was holding an INSULATED screwdriver...
The idiot got an official reprimand in his record! I got to see the Corpseman (zero style) and get little bottles of Brandy! I slept good after the third one...
,a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0";>Gangnam Style!!</a>
Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
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I’m stoked...
I finally achieved my lifelong dream of having as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.
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Researchers at UCLA medical center have invented the first marijuana based suppository.
The only draw back so far is that ten minutes after insertion you have a desire to shove a Mars bar up your butt!
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I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.
Which means my dealer’s got some explaining to do.
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I got in touch with my inner self today....
That’s the last time I buy toilet paper from the Dollar store.
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I went to the doctor for a check -up.
He said, “The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise.”
I said, “What’s the next-best advice?”
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A Texas Ranger pulled over a driver on I-35 and informed him he was being cited for speeding.
The driver said, “Officer, could you just give me a warning?”
So the Ranger stepped back and fired a shot over his head.
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Speaking of watching TV - last night I watched my first porn movie.
I was a lot thinner back then!
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Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie who he had found as a child.
“You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!”
“No I didn’t, Saddam...let’s review...
You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came true, no?”
“Yes it did, but”
“You wished to be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams?”
“And this too, came true, but...”
“And the third wish, you remember what that was, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I wanted to be well hung...but that’s not what I meant!!!”
You're the same guy that wrote this...
>>>>>>>>>>Nothing thrills me like seeing someone go down by taser. Their screams for mercy and convulsions are a hoot.
Then you will be laughiing your A$$ off over this...
My wife, Gretchen, is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, “hey y’all, hold my beer and watch this!” Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Gretchen. The occasion was our 14th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out-way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog , Moscow, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Moscow) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Moscow for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Barb to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no friggin’ way!”
Friggin’ way-trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, Moscow looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don’t ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Moscow was standing over me making barking sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!” (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution.)
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs 1/4” deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-BIT%CH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. They’re round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss ‘em . . . sure would like to get ‘em back!
AMIGO, DON’T EVER DO THIS!
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