Posted on 09/21/2012 1:58:04 PM PDT by Pharmboy
I have always enjoyed hearing those funny and clever expressions handed down from grandmas and grandpas in the heartland. I grew up in the east, but went to school in the mid-west, and some of the guys I went to school with had some great ones.
I would love to hear some of yours.
I will start with a few that I heard years ago, and ask you folks to add your own favorites that you heard from friends and family.
My dad (NYC):
"Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."
From a buddy from Indiana:
"Well, he stands out like two turds in a pan of milk."
"She's crazier than a half-f***ed fox during the heat season."
From a guy from Georgia who lived down the hall [said about a woman who was not particularly attractive]:
She sure ain't nobody's pretty chile."
A woman from Maryland as she goes to answer the telelphone:
"What kind of fresh hell is this?"
Now you go...
Grinnin’ like a mule eatin’ sawgrass.
All hat, no cattle. All belt buckle, and no rodeo. As careful as a naked man climbing a barbed wire fence. No man is so stupid he doesn’t know when payday is or whete the food is at. Fool who can’t find a goat in a flock of sheep. Booze has been talking for him so long, that he’s speechless. A fool buys a saddle that costs more than his horse. A fool spends all day deciding which side of bed the roll out of. A man who milks a cow in the dark gets a bucket of piss. If you’re not going to kill over it, don’t get angry over it. Never name anything you’re going to eat. If you can’t get a man to do something, tell him he’s too old to do it. Never trust a man who agrees with you, he’s probably wrong. A man on foot who finds a horse, never thinks it’s the wrong color. Coffee thick enough to float a bullet and hot enough to melt it. Talk slower and think quicker. A cowboy that doesn’t have cowshit on the outside of those boots, probably has it on the inside. Keep an empty chamber under your temper. The secret to a rain dance is timing. A man who tells you he’s all guts, is probably a goose. A coyote that stares at you from far off, is waiting for you to stop paying attention. When you eat something, it’s never important what it is, it’s important what it was. Nasty as horse piss beer with the froth farted off. A talker fights you from across the street, a fightet gets close enough to kiss you and doesn’t say shit. A smart dog knows how to put on his own chain and how to take it off, too. A man stuck in cactus finds his way out, if he hears a bear grunt. Sometimes a man has to hit a wall before he quits running from himself. If everybody’s sick and you only have one bottle of medicine, make the doctor drink it. If you’re going to eat crow eat it while it’s warm...the taste doesn’t improve. You’ll never know what a boot taste like if you keep your mouth shut. Give a woman a kind word, you’ll never have to take it back. Stories should be like a sack of sugar...tell a little bit at a time and make it last all winter. A cowboy never puts the sun behind im coming over ridge, never craps on his spurs, never drinks downstream from the herd. If I horse is nervous, blow on it’s nose...he just wants to know that you’re not a horse eater. If you think you’re king of the world, try calling another man’s dog. A useless man can’t find work, but a blind pig can find acorns. If your woman accuses you of cheating, start eating garlic. It makes as much sense to buy fancy clothes, as it does to buy shiny horseshoes.
That’s all I can think of...except if you wear a sixgun, never insult seven men...lol
Well if she is dragging then she is definitely needful
((I don’t even know what this means, heh))
He’s been here since the Dead Sea was sick.
Texas born and Texas bred, and when I die I’ll be Texas dead.
I believe “kitty corner” started life as “cater corner.”
I’ve heard two residences located diagonally across from each other at a street intersection described as “kitty corner across” from each other.
(A woman with too much lipstick) "like a fox's ass in mulberry season"
"Grinnin' like a mule eatin' sawbriars"
"I bet she could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch"
Related: “Don’t feel like a Pregnant whore in church” (Don’t feel all alone)
“Ugly enough to scare a blind dig off a meat truck”
She's wearing so much perfume that when she stands still she leaves a puddle
Use your head for somethin’ besides a hat rack.
“Use your head for something besides a space to keep your ears from fighting”
f—d like a tied up goat
One from an old friend: “More F***ed up than a soup sandwich in a rainstorm”
After the same hard night of drinking:
I got the Zactlys.
Feel exactly like a herd of cattle backed up and S%%t in my mouth)
Like a Volkswagen going down the road with the doors open (someone with big ears).
When forced to do something unpleasant:
“Would rather scrape my head with a cheese grater”
Would rather pound myself on the side of the head with the sharp end of a claw hammer”
I feel more like I do now, than I did when I got here.
It’s hotter in the country than it is in the summertime.
I’m hanging in there like hair in a biscuit.
I’m hanging in there like boogers on a doorknob.
I been run hard and put away wet.
Boy, your so skinny when you stick your tongue out and turn sideways you look like a zipper.
And a favorite from my Old Man when us kids were feeling a bit bigger than our britches:
“Just cause you smell like apesh$t don’t mean you’re Tarzan”
So hungry i could eat a dirty biscuit.
Kiss my butt and call it a love story.
“He’s as crooked as a fish hook.”
Said by my late father, God bless him, in describing Bill Clinton. Daddy was a lifelong blue-collar Democrat until the last couple of years of his life, when Bubba’s escapades managed to turn him around.
Boy, your telling me your sh*t don’t stink?
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