AND NOW....
THE HEIGHT OF
CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST
| You Should Be an Action Hero for Halloween |
 Your runner up costume: Gangster |
Woohoo!! It’s finally Friday!!
Iss zis vere ve come for ze zilliness?
I am ready for ze zilliness!
TOP 10!!!!!
Top Ten!
Good Morning!
Trick or treat. TOP TEN!!!!!!!!!!
In !!!
AND NOW....
THE HEIGHT OF
CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST
| You Should Be an Action Hero for Halloween |
|
Your runner up costume: Gangster |
Top 100. Happy Friday!
TOP 20! YAY!!!
It’s almost Halloween and no pictures of Hilary, Mooshell, Pelosi, or Helen Thomas? What gives?
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-------
People always say the thing they were looking for was in the last place they looked. Of course it was. What type of moron would you have to be to keep searching after you found it?
-------
I have no trouble at all with the button on my jeans.
Its a snap.
-------
If I had a dollar for every time a woman told me I'm hansome, I'd have one dollar.
Thanks mom.
------
My girlfriend told the police I'm stalking her! Can you believe it?
Well, she's not my girlfriend just yet...
-----
How long a minute is depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
-----
Not sure how far I should get into this thread today....had my gallbladder yanked day before yestiddy, and do NOT want to get the giggles...
WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO TGIF TOP 50!!!!!!!
I promise you will be sharing this with all your friends.
He was dressed as a pirate. nd a really great costume. Sadly, his hat was way too big and kept falling over his eyes. Needless to say, he was in a right state by the time he got to my house.
When he rang my door bell, I said- “Oh what a great costume!!! You're a pirate!!! But you are all by yourself, Johnny!! Where's your buccaneers???
“Under my buccan’ hat, Mister. Now give me some #@$%! candy!!”
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark,”That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to
pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?”
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer.”
“Really?” my grand-son asked.
“Cross my heart,” the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),
“Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her,
“Here, this is for you. Shove it up your a$$ you grouchy old b!tch! “
Touches the heart doesn’t it?
Men - Translations
“I’M GOING FISHING” Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“IT’S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR...” Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every
car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”
“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn’t fall into my
outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
_____
Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer.
The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.
The third statistician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “On the average we got it!”