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The Americans With No Abilities Act

Posted on 12/28/2012 5:29:03 AM PST by RoosterRedux

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS:
Received this by email. Since it was on the Interweb, it must be true.;-)

What a great piece of legislation for those states legalizing marijuana!

1 posted on 12/28/2012 5:29:04 AM PST by RoosterRedux
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To: RoosterRedux

Have we considered awarding of grants by the Ministry of Silly Walks?


2 posted on 12/28/2012 5:34:24 AM PST by QBFimi (When gunpowder speaks, beasts listen.)
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To: RoosterRedux

What took so long!
Hilarious!


3 posted on 12/28/2012 5:36:06 AM PST by samsmom
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To: RoosterRedux

Americans With No Abilities = Democrats


4 posted on 12/28/2012 5:36:49 AM PST by central_va ( I won't be reconstructed and I do not give a damn.)
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To: samsmom

It certainly is a thought solution to the problem of unemployment.


5 posted on 12/28/2012 5:38:23 AM PST by RoosterRedux (He will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats)
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To: samsmom
Ahem...

It certainly is a thoughtful solution to the problem of unemployment.

6 posted on 12/28/2012 5:40:07 AM PST by RoosterRedux (He will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats)
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To: RoosterRedux

Limitless possibilities - they’ll need help filling in the applications, sharpening the pencils, restocking the pamphlet rack, etc.


7 posted on 12/28/2012 5:41:02 AM PST by P.O.E. (Pray for America)
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To: P.O.E.

>> Limitless possibilities - they’ll need help filling in the applications, sharpening the pencils, restocking the pamphlet rack, etc.

You, Sir, have a brilliant grasp of economics. (You think I’m kidding; I’m not!) May I nominate you as FR’s Milton Friedman Laureate of the Month?


8 posted on 12/28/2012 5:45:40 AM PST by QBFimi (When gunpowder speaks, beasts listen.)
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To: QBFimi

Aw, gee, shucks. Thanks for the compliment.


9 posted on 12/28/2012 5:47:56 AM PST by P.O.E. (Pray for America)
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To: RoosterRedux

Atlas Shrugged: Anti Dog-Eat-Dog Act.


10 posted on 12/28/2012 5:48:44 AM PST by Cletus.D.Yokel (Bread and Circuses; Everyone to the Coliseum!)
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To: RoosterRedux

To go along with the No Abilities Act, how about compensation that is commensurate with their lack of abilities?

The more unable a person is, the bigger the compensation, to make them feel better about themselves.

No work skills? $20/hr wages.
You don’t know basic arithmetic? $5 extra per hour.
No reading skills? $10 extra.
No social skills? $10 extra.
No desire to learn? $20 extra.
Hate your boss and co-”workers”? $10 extra.
Contribute to the liberals/democrats? $50 dollars extra.
Need to be driven to and from “work”? $10 extra.

Basically, the No Abilities Act would be the new path to becoming a millionaire. Problem for those millionaires would be: they wouldn’t have any know-how for how to spend their riches.


11 posted on 12/28/2012 6:02:03 AM PST by adorno (Y)
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To: adorno
Problem for those millionaires would be: they wouldn’t have any know-how for how to spend their riches.

I'm guessing they would be big investors in the hydroponic marijuana industry.

12 posted on 12/28/2012 6:06:29 AM PST by RoosterRedux (He will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats)
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To: RoosterRedux
People of Inability (POI)

Heh.
POI (Point of Impact).

13 posted on 12/28/2012 6:13:25 AM PST by grobdriver
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To: RoosterRedux

I thought that’s what unions were for.


14 posted on 12/28/2012 6:28:24 AM PST by rmh47 (Go Kats! - Got eight? NRA Life Member])
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To: RoosterRedux

I think a more appropriate acronym would be People Owing Other People .... POOP !


15 posted on 12/28/2012 7:03:10 AM PST by layman (Card Carrying Infidel)
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To: RoosterRedux
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

I wonder if just having a high school diploma these days qualifies you for the Americans With No Abilities Act?

16 posted on 12/28/2012 7:03:50 AM PST by Responsibility2nd (NO LIBS. This Means Liberals and (L)libertarians! Same Thing. NO LIBS!!)
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To: RoosterRedux
passage of this bill, Gertz

Bill?? Is that you out there, in the funny hat??

17 posted on 12/28/2012 7:06:25 AM PST by Hardraade (http://junipersec.wordpress.com (Vendetta))
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To: RoosterRedux

bookmarked


18 posted on 12/28/2012 7:18:28 AM PST by Chuzzlewit
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To: Responsibility2nd
I wonder if just having a high school diploma these days qualifies you for the Americans With No Abilities Act?

More likely a BA, MA, or PhD in liberal arts.

Many high school graduates are headed for technical schools so they can learn a useful trade.

19 posted on 12/28/2012 7:21:37 AM PST by RoosterRedux (He will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats)
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To: Responsibility2nd
I wonder if just having a high school diploma these days qualifies you for the Americans With No Abilities Act?

No.

I have a nice job thank you, and support my family of six debt free on one salary.

I have no more than a "just a high school diploma."

20 posted on 12/28/2012 7:23:33 AM PST by DYngbld (I have read the back of the Book and we WIN!!!!)
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To: RoosterRedux

the title alone is priceless

thanks for the chuckle, grim as it is


21 posted on 12/28/2012 7:28:07 AM PST by silverleaf (Age Takes a Toll: Please Have Exact Change)
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To: DYngbld

I should have emphasized the words “these days”.

I suspect you earned your high school diploma back in a time when getting one actually meant you could read and write.

Either that, or you were smart and lucky and did just fine in spite of our educational systems.


22 posted on 12/28/2012 7:31:52 AM PST by Responsibility2nd (NO LIBS. This Means Liberals and (L)libertarians! Same Thing. NO LIBS!!)
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To: RoosterRedux

Why not. We have an Occupier in the White Hut with no discernible abilities.


23 posted on 12/28/2012 7:32:51 AM PST by twister881
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To: RoosterRedux
The best humor has a basis in truth, we are really at that point.

Thanks for posting, gave me a much needed laugh :)

24 posted on 12/28/2012 7:35:45 AM PST by The Cajun (Sarah Palin, Mark Levin......Nuff said.)
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To: layman
People Owing Other People .... POOP !

The way things are now, it's the hard-working people with skills who are considered "POOP", because, the way the poor and low-earners see it, it's they who are owed something by the more successful. Success is getting "POOPed" on.
25 posted on 12/28/2012 7:43:39 AM PST by adorno (Y)
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To: adorno

Also solves the school violence problem. Close all the schools. Who needs them when everything is free?


26 posted on 12/28/2012 9:26:12 AM PST by satan (Plumbing new depths of worthlessness on a daily basis.)
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To: satan
Also solves the school violence problem. Close all the schools. Who needs them when everything is free?

Schools will still be needed.

Those are the places that turn out the people with "no abilities".
27 posted on 12/28/2012 11:15:26 AM PST by adorno (Y)
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To: RoosterRedux

28 posted on 12/28/2012 3:36:26 PM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: RoosterRedux
Ha haaaaaaa!

Good stuff.

Just to be clear, though, this IS a parody, right?

Right?

Please tell me this is satire.

Even if it's not, please tell me it is.

29 posted on 01/10/2013 7:21:14 AM PST by Texas Eagle (If it wasn't for double-standards, Liberals would have no standards at all -- Te?xas Eagle)
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