Posted on 12/28/2012 5:29:03 AM PST by RoosterRedux
President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
the title alone is priceless
thanks for the chuckle, grim as it is
I should have emphasized the words “these days”.
I suspect you earned your high school diploma back in a time when getting one actually meant you could read and write.
Either that, or you were smart and lucky and did just fine in spite of our educational systems.
Why not. We have an Occupier in the White Hut with no discernible abilities.
Thanks for posting, gave me a much needed laugh :)
Also solves the school violence problem. Close all the schools. Who needs them when everything is free?
From the end of 1989 through 1996, the number of children receiving SSI benefits more than tripled from 265,000 to about 955,000. (Adults are considered disabled if they are unable to engage in substantial gainful activity by reason of a medically determinable physical or mental impairment expected to result in death or last at least 12 months. 42 U.S.C. § 1382c(a)(3)(A).) United States Government Accountability Office, Statement of Daniel Bertoni, Director Education, Workforce, and Income Security, October 27, 2011 (http://waysandmeans.house.gov/UploadedFiles/Daniel_Bertoni_Testimony_1127.pdf)
SSA data show the number of child applicants with mental impairments increased 60 percent between fiscal year 2000 and fiscal year 2010, while the total number of SSI child beneficiaries with mental impairments on the rolls grew 52 percent from 543,000 to 827,000. In fiscal year 2010, about 62 percent of all SSI child applicants had a mental impairment as a primary diagnosis, and about 67 percent of those applicants were medically approved for benefits. ^
The number of children found to be medically eligible for SSI due to speech and language delay nearly tripled between fiscal years 2000 to 2010. ^
As of December 2010, the average monthly child benefit was $597. All but five states and the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands supplement federal SSI benefits with additional payments. ^
ADD/ADHD represent the single largest primary diagnostic group, and the number of children found to be medically eligible because of ADD/ADHD increased by more than 100 percent, even though the majority of ADD/ADHD applications over the years have been medically denied. ^
79 percent of 434,000 SSI recipients under age 18 with mental impairments who had reached their scheduled CDR [Continuing Disability Reviews] date (every 3 years) had exceeded the scheduled date by at least a year. ^
Good stuff.
Just to be clear, though, this IS a parody, right?
Right?
Please tell me this is satire.
Even if it's not, please tell me it is.
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