Posted on 05/03/2013 5:53:41 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Edited on 05/03/2013 8:43:38 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
Participating in a gun “buy back” because
you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself
castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids.
BIOLOGY EXAM:
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The
question
was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in
particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he
wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity
against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is
inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is
always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he
wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off
the groundwhere the cat can’t get it.
He got an A
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE
ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
‘I’ve got problems. Every time
I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new “pickup!’
‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!
Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets
Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’
And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . . didn’t give a $#it one way or the other.
Top 100. Happy FRIDAY!
The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
“Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace.”
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped . . .
“They won’t let me in without a tie!”
Rattlesnakes Logic
Texas Rancher uses Rattlesnake Logic for Bombing at Boston
** Now the news media will spend days trying to determine why these men did what they did in Boston. They will want to know what America did to make these brothers so angry with us. They will want to know why these men were not arrested before they did something unlawful. The media will be in a tizzy about the new era of home grown radicals (jihadist) and about how they could live among us and still hate us.
* Here in west Texas, I have rattlesnakes on my place. I have killed a rattlesnake on the front porch. I have killed a rattlesnake on the back porch. I have killed rattlesnakes in the barn, in the shop and on the driveway. I kill every rattlesnake I encounter. I kill rattlesnakes because a rattlesnake will bite me and inflict me with poison. I don’t stop to wonder why a rattlesnake will bite me. It will bite me because it is a rattlesnake and that is what rattlesnakes do. I don’t try to reason with a rattlesnake…I just kill it.
* I don’t try to get to know the rattlesnake better so that I can find a way to live with the rattlesnakes and convince them not to bite me…I just kill them. I don’t quiz a rattlesnake to see it I can find out where the other snakes are because (a) it won’t tell me (b) I already know that they live on my place…I just kill the rattlesnake and move on to the next one. I don’t look for ways that I might be able to change the rattlesnake to a non poison rat snake. I just kill it.
* Oh, and on occasion I kill a rat snake, because I thought it was a rattlesnake at the time. Also, I know that for every rattlesnake that I kill, two more lurk out there. In my lifetime I will never be able to rid my place of rattlesnakes. Do I fear them? No! Do I respect what they can do to me? Yes! And because of that respect I give them their fair justice….I kill them.
* Maybe as a country we should give more credit to the jihadist just being a rattlesnake!
Pelosi: Hillary 'Would Be the Most Qualified Person to Enter the White House in Modern History'
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC! PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!
Yep. For instance, THIS week.
That’s not silly. That’s sad.
Really, really sad.
These are ads seen in ‘’The Villages’’ Florida newspaper.
(Who says Seniors don’t have a sense of humor?)
Yep...
Senior ads....too funny. Posted on my FB page. Thanks for posting it.
...and the Irish ones too....
Benny Hill-German Professor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfuY5Q0BSBM
1910 A Trip To Mars - Thomas Edison http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np7VImsSMQM
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