Skip to comments.***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 05/03/2013 5:53:41 AM PDT by Lucky9teenEdited on 05/03/2013 8:43:38 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
When: Always on May 3rd
World Press Freedom Day recognizes the value of freedom of expression, and the sacrifices journalist have made to attain this freedom. It was created, and is sponsored, by the United Nations. While we enjoy this freedom in the United States, freedom of the press, and freedom of expression, is not a given right in many countries.
Each year, UNESCO awards the UNESCO/Guillermo Cano World Press Freedom Prize to someone who has made a major contribution towards journalistic freedom.
World Press Freedom Day activities include UN sponsored conferences and seminars on this issue. Teachers are encouraged to create lesson plans. As individuals, we can learn more about the issues. And, we can support efforts to further freedom of the press.
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing Ive seen a man do in my whole life.
The Harley rider replies, Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.
The reporter says, Well, Ill make sure this wont go unnoticed. Im a journalist, you know, and tomorrows paper will have this story on the front page So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?
The biker replies, Im a U.S. Marine and a Republican
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
A journalist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the journalist. "How about the good job Obama is doing, even though the Republicans are blocking everything he wants to do and Conservatives keep saying the government is out to get them?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The journalist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss Obama, Republicans, Conservatives or what the government is up to, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'.
George W. Bush is seen crossing the Potomac river on foot.
The Washington Post : "President Bush crosses the Potomac River".
The Washington Time : "Bush's conservative approach saves taxpayers a boat".
Mother Jones : "Bush can't swim".
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to report that the Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place
One to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness
And one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people.
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.
Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.
Sports Illustrated: Game Over.
Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.
Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!
Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
Microsoft Systems Journal: Internet Explorer Loses Market Share.
Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.
FaceBook: Unable to post. Try again in 15 minutes.
Holy cr@p!!! top 10!!!
Woohoo top 10!
WOOOOO HOOOOO TGIF!!!
Good morning! Top 15!
Pray for America to Wake Up
How can you report on Obama when you don’t know s@!#? LOL
An elderly woman visits her doctor and complains of her symptoms saying, “Doctor you’ve got to help me. I have a most embarrassing problem with persistent ‘silent gas’. It happens all the time. Whether I’m at home, in a restaurant, or out shopping with the ladies. I’ve tried everything and just can’t stop it. In fact I’ve even just done it here three times. Do you think you can help me?”
The doctor nods assuringly and responds, “I think I can definitely help you with that. But first, let’s check your hearing.”
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-
burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a “Remember 9-11”
sloganspray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, “Praise Allah” and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man...that could have been me !”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
After closing time at the bar, an Irish drunk was proudly showing off his
apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom wherethere was a big brass gong and a mallet.
‘What’s with that big brass gong?’ one of the guests asked.
‘It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,’ the drunk replied.
‘A talking clock? Seriously?’ asked his astonished friend.
‘YUP, it is’ replied the drunk.
‘How’s it work?’ the friend asked, squinting at it.
‘Watch,’ the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
‘You ***! It’s THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!’
I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that
read: “I miss Chicago.”
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, “I hope this helps!”
Participating in a gun “buy back” because
you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself
castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The
was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in
particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity
against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is
always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off
the groundwhere the cat can’t get it.
He got an A
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE
ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
‘I’ve got problems. Every time
I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new “pickup!’
‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!
Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets
Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’
And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . . didn’t give a $#it one way or the other.
Top 100. Happy FRIDAY!
The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace.”
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped . . .
“They won’t let me in without a tie!
Texas Rancher uses Rattlesnake Logic for Bombing at Boston
** Now the news media will spend days trying to determine why these men did what they did in Boston. They will want to know what America did to make these brothers so angry with us. They will want to know why these men were not arrested before they did something unlawful. The media will be in a tizzy about the new era of home grown radicals (jihadist) and about how they could live among us and still hate us.
* Here in west Texas, I have rattlesnakes on my place. I have killed a rattlesnake on the front porch. I have killed a rattlesnake on the back porch. I have killed rattlesnakes in the barn, in the shop and on the driveway. I kill every rattlesnake I encounter. I kill rattlesnakes because a rattlesnake will bite me and inflict me with poison. I dont stop to wonder why a rattlesnake will bite me. It will bite me because it is a rattlesnake and that is what rattlesnakes do. I dont try to reason with a rattlesnake I just kill it.
* I dont try to get to know the rattlesnake better so that I can find a way to live with the rattlesnakes and convince them not to bite me I just kill them. I dont quiz a rattlesnake to see it I can find out where the other snakes are because (a) it wont tell me (b) I already know that they live on my place I just kill the rattlesnake and move on to the next one. I dont look for ways that I might be able to change the rattlesnake to a non poison rat snake. I just kill it.
* Oh, and on occasion I kill a rat snake, because I thought it was a rattlesnake at the time. Also, I know that for every rattlesnake that I kill, two more lurk out there. In my lifetime I will never be able to rid my place of rattlesnakes. Do I fear them? No! Do I respect what they can do to me? Yes! And because of that respect I give them their fair justice .I kill them.
* Maybe as a country we should give more credit to the jihadist just being a rattlesnake!
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC! PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!
Yep. For instance, THIS week.
That’s not silly. That’s sad.
Really, really sad.
These are ads seen in ‘’The Villages’’ Florida newspaper.
(Who says Seniors don’t have a sense of humor?)
Senior ads....too funny. Posted on my FB page. Thanks for posting it.
Benny Hill-German Professor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfuY5Q0BSBM
1910 A Trip To Mars - Thomas Edison http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np7VImsSMQM
For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before
"That was a long time ago ..."
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a “Honk If You Love Jesus “ bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I’m glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...
and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
“For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!”
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window
and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii;
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...
why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up
in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;
so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
I like the part where she says: http://www.moviesoundclips.net/download.php?id=697&ft=mp3
I’ve seen this man! With my own two eyes! In Seattle, at the last Emerald City ComiCon.
That’s funny right there.