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The College Football Czar: Week 6
The Shinbone: The Frontier of the Free Press ^ | October 3, 2013 | Daniel Clark

Posted on 10/03/2013 5:26:25 PM PDT by Daniel Clark

The College Football Czar: Week 6

Week five in review: Although the 2013 season has really just now gotten underway in earnest, there have already been two head coaches fired, and rightly so. USC finally tired of Lane Kiffin’s poor results and abrasive personality during his fourth season with the Trojans. The only reason Kiffin’s record at Southern Cal was as good as 28-15 was that he was fortunate enough to inherit QB Matt Barkley from his predecessor, Pete Carroll. It’s not just that Kiffin has only gone 10-8 since the start of the 2012 season, but the fact that the cohesiveness of both the offensive and defensive units has disintegrated before the SC fans’ horrified eyes. The Trojans will be coached for the rest of the year by Ed Orgeron, who does have head coaching experience, albeit with a record of 10-25 at Ole Miss, following that school’s misguided dismissal of David Cutcliffe.

The other new ex-coach is longtime Syracuse skipper Paul Pasqualoni, who has just been dismissed from Connecticut after an 0-4 start, and a 10-18 overall record during his brief tenure. Pasqualoni had coached the Orange for 18 years, but had since spent six years as an assistant in the NFL. Like John Robinson at UNLV, he just couldn’t seem to recapture his excitement for the college game. If Uconn’s lifeless performance in an opening loss to Division I-AA Towson wasn’t enough to get this impression across, last week’s 41-12 drubbing by Buffalo was. Offensive coordinator T.J. Weist has been named interim coach for the remainder of the season.

As of this writing, Saturday’s games involving the military academies are going to be played as scheduled. The embarrassing political wonks who currently run the Defense Department had claimed that axing the Air Force-Navy and Army-Boston College games might be necessitated by the government shutdown. How sad it is to see the men who are charged with the defense of our country engaging in cheap political spin over domestic budgetary issues. We might as well have James Carville as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Government shutdowns like the one that began on Tuesday have been common ever since a 1980 legal clarification from President Carter’s Justice Department, which concluded that “nonessential” government functions must cease in the absence of legislation funding them. Since then, there have been twelve government shutdowns, and every single one of them has occurred during football season, but have you ever heard of one threatening a college football game?

In case the phoniness of this issue wasn’t obvious enough, consider that college football creates its own revenue. The games will pay for themselves. If, on the other hand, the games had been canceled, the academies would have had to refund tens of thousands of tickets, and wherever would they have gotten the money to do that?

Although the games will go on, the Czar expects the sports media to take their cue, and thank President Obama for rescuing the people’s football games from those reactionary Tea Party zealots. Throughout the broadcasts, we can count on them to perpetuate the president’s improbable tales of his alleged athletic prowess, and also to spout dingbatty liberal platitudes like, “Nobody should be forced to choose between watching the Navy football game and buying medicine for the children.”

… Anyway, the College Football Czar went 13-5 for the week. His overall record stands at 80-22, for a .784 winning percentage.

Oct. 4

Brigham Young at Utah State

The Cougars faked the College Football Czar out last Friday, by switching back to their dark jerseys. The Czar may not have predicted that, but he did warn you that Mormons are devious, so it’s a wash.

BYU’s played bongos on the MT-heads last Friday night, 37-10, despite a turnover margin of minus-4. The Cougs would have blown that game wide open by the middle of the second quarter, if they hadn’t fumbled on consecutive possessions inside the Middle Tennessee 10-yard-line.

In another Friday game, the Aggies took sole possession of first place in the MWC’s Mountain division, by walloping former WAC rival San Jose State 40-12. Still, it was a costly game for them, due to the loss of one of the Hefty Hefty Whimpey Whimpeys for the remainder of the season. Senior guard Kyle Whimpey suffered a torn patellar tendon, leaving his twin brother Kyle, the left tackle, to go it alone for the rest of the season.

The Czar hereby proposes that USU permanently change its team nickname to the Hefty Hefty Whimpey Whimpeys. It’s no more embarrassing than being named the Aggies, and it’s a heck of a lot more original.

Brigham Young 27, Utah State 23

Nevada at San Diego State

Wolf Pack QB Cody Fajardo opened up a jar in the fourth quarter against Air Force, as he led his team to a dramatic 45-42 victory. The junior threw his third TD pass of the game, and then scored on his second touchdown run, to rally from a late 42-30 deficit.

Aztec quarterback Adam Dingwell played dang well last year, when he took over the starting job to lead SDSU back from a 10-point deficit to defeat the Pack, 39-38 in overtime. The junior has missed the past two games with a back injury, however, and his team has fared much better without him trying to play hurt. His replacement, Quinn Kaehler, has been steady in a tough 34-30 loss to Oregon State, and a 26-16 win at New Mexico State.

The town of Azusa got its name because it supposedly has everything from A to Z in the USA. Likewise, the Aztecs had everything from A to Z in their land. Mind you, all the things from A to Z in their language were just differently named spears.

Nevada 44, San Diego State 35

Oct. 5

Penn State at Indiana

PSU kicker Sam Ficken continued his amazing streak by connecting on both field goal attempts against Kent State, including a 54-yard rocket to cap a 34-0 blowout. Ficken’s only miss of the season has been a 57-yard attempt at the end of the first half against Central Florida, but he’s probably been heckled by lardheads over it, since the Lions went on to lose that game by three.

At 2-2, IU has looked very dangerous in spurts this year, but if they close out this season-opening five-game homestand with a losing record, the outlook for the rest of their season will be bleak. In their last game, a 45-28 loss to Missouri, QB Nate Sudfeld was benched after throwing three interceptions, but the Czar will be surprised if he doesn’t return as the starter this Saturday.

Hooray for the Nittany Lions, who have apparently been on their good behavior for two whole years now, which is suddenly praiseworthy enough to get their penalties reduced. Compare that with the Hoosiers, who haven’t stopped enabling the sexual abuse of young boys at all! Of course, they’re not doing it in the first place, but that’s no excuse.

Penn State 42, Indiana 31

West Virginia at Baylor

WVU coach Dana Holgorsen conveniently discovered that redshirt freshman QB Ford Childress had a previously undisclosed injury, which forced him to play former Florida State slinger Clint Trickett against Oklahoma State. Thus, he is spared from having to admit he was wrong to start Childress against Maryland a week earlier.

The Mountaineers beat BU in their Big XII debut, a memorable 70-63 shootout. Sure, it was entertaining, but how could so many people have concluded that the team that only gave up 63 was a conference title contender?

This year, it’s the Bears who have hit the 70 mark in each of their last two games, against Buffalo (70-13) and Louisiana-Monroe (70-7). In their opener, they took it easy on Division I-AA Wofford, and only won by a final of 69-3.

The fans from Morgantown are making their long-awaited first road trip to Waco. They’ve been itching to go ever since 1993, when they heard it was full of crazy, inbred cult members who burn stuff. That’s something they just have to see for themselves.

Baylor 58, West Virginia 41

Ohio State at Northwestern

One of the drawbacks to these ever-expanding conferences is that matchups like this one between the Buckeyes and Wildcats don’t take place often enough anymore. The last time these interdivisional foes met was back in 2008. For the record, OSU rolled that day, 45-10, although it hardly matters now, with everyone gone from each of those teams.

Urban Meyer’s decision to start Braxton Miller paid off early, and the lumpy nuts held on to beat Wisconsin 31-24. The Badger defense refused to accept an easy INT from Miller near the end of the first half. Given a second chance, he completed a 26-yard touchdown strike to WR Devin Smith.

The Cats have also got a mobile quarterback who’s come back from an injury. Kain Colter suffered a concussion in the early moments of an opener at Cal, but returned the following week to help his team defeat Syracuse. As much as the Czar dislikes a two-quarterback system, Colter and Trevor Siemian have complemented each other nicely.

And just how do the players complement each other nicely, you might ask. Usually by saying things like, “That chin strap you’re wearing is just precious.”

Big Ten football isn’t what it used to be.

Ohio State 55, Northwestern 44

LSU at Mississippi State

It’s hard to downgrade the Tigers much for a three-point loss at Georgia, but the 44 points they gave up might not be that much of an aberration. Fewer Miles’ defense allowed more than 22 points only once last regular season. So far this year, they’ve done it twice in five games, while yielding an average of 24.4 points per game. What’s more, that’s with two of their three weakest opponents already behind them. From this point on, they face four currently ranked teams among their last seven.

The 2-2 Bulldogs pounded neighboring Sun Belt foe Troy 62-7 two weeks ago. Sophomore quarterback Dak Prescott rushed for two touchdowns, threw for one, and even caught a TD pass, all during a 35-point, second-quarter explosion.

Despite last week’s loss, Tiger QB Zach Mettenberger showed what he was made of, and it wasn’t metten. That’s okay, because hamburgers aren’t made of ham, either, but everybody likes them.

LSU 38, Mississippi State 23

Washington at Stanford

In a brazen act of ecclesiastical mutiny, the bishop toppled the Cardinal last year in Seattle, in a 17-13 Husky victory. Tailback Bishop Sankey gained 144 yards on 20 carries, including a fourth-and-inches play that he broke for a 61-yard touchdown.

The Huskies may be playing the most brutal four-game stretch of conference games that any team will face all season. It started out well enough, as they brushed aside previously unbeaten Arizona 31-13, but after this trip to Palo Alto, they return home to face Oregon, and then travel to Tempe to battle Arizona State.

Stanford didn’t become a perennial contender until after it removed the running track from the stadium, and moved the stands closer to the field. You see, the A.D. had read an article that said opponents had been running rings around the Cardinal. Well, he put a stop to that.

Stanford 21, Washington 20

Maryland at Florida State

The Seminoles can be counted on to look past at least one lower-echelon ACC opponent every season. Their fans hope they got it out of their system in last week’s 48-34 win over Boston College. They trailed the Eagles 17-3, and didn’t take the lead until a 55-yard Hail Mary on the last play of the first half. Needless to say, if you have to say a prayer to beat BC, you’re not playing like a national championship contender.

No team keeps a fifth-string quarterback, but the Terrapins had to find one last season, after a series of freak injuries to their first four. Now that starter C.J. Brown is back, they’ve already equaled their 2012 win total, at 4-0. The quality of their opposition has done little to prepare them for a trip to Tallahassee, though. In addition to a rudderless West Virginia team, they’ve faced Uconn, Florida International, and I-AA Old Dominion.

People who ridicule those uniforms the Terps wore against West Virginia just don’t understand their significance. They were simply mimicking the natural camouflage a terrapin uses, whenever it wants to blend in with its surroundings in the men’s department at T.J. Maxx.

Florida State 47, Maryland 28

Arizona State vs. Notre Dame

The 3-1 Sun Devils stuck a fork in USC coach Lane Kiffin in a 62-41 runaway. Quarterback Taylor Kelly led the team in rushing with 79 yards on four carries, while also passing for 351 yards and three TDs.

At 3-2, the Fighting Irish have lost to their first two ranked opponents: Michigan (41-30) and Oklahoma (34-20). Last week against OU, quarterback Tommy Rees threw for only 104 yards, 41 of which he gave back on three interception returns.

This neutral-site game is being played at the Alamodome, in order to commemorate the battle that was fought at that stadium’s namesake, where a small band of Irishmen tried against all odds to repel an army of invaders from Hell. At least, that’s the way it went in the Billy Bob Thornton version.

Arizona State 30, Notre Dame 22

TCU at Oklahoma

In the Horned Frogs’ opener, they wore helmets with red streaks on them, because the horned frog sometimes shoots blood from its eyes. It does this to confuse and repel predators, or else because some bigger critter has stomped on its head.

Normally, a Sooner fan might be worried about his team looking ahead to next week’s Red River Rivalry game against Texas. The way the Longhorns look right now, they might not be attracting that much of OU’s attention after all.

For defeating SMU 48-17, the Frogs were awarded the Iron Skillet, a decoration that had originally been given to German army cooks. Why were they given such an award? For winning football games against SMU, of course. Those were some lean years for the Mustangs, back then. Oklahoma 27, TCU 14

Georgia Tech at Miami

The Hurricanes rallied their way to a 42-36 overtime victory a year ago, to capture first place in the ACC’s Coastal division. Due to their probation, it was nevertheless the Ramblin Wreck that represented the division in the league championship game.

It was actually the Canes who took control early in last season’s game, charging out to a 19-0 lead. GT took over to score 36 consecutive (not “unanswered”) points, before Miami responded with the final 26.

Tech QB Vad Lee’s name was fitting last Thursday against Virginia Tech, because he did not perform very vell in the 17-10 loss. Among 24 attempts, he had only seven completions, and two interceptions. He had his weakest output running the ball also, gaining just 35 yards on 18 carries.

Whenever an announcer mentions Vad Lee, the Czar can’t help but expect him to add, “Dahlink.”

Miami 13, Georgia Tech 10

Minnesota at Michigan

In Week 3, the Wolverines barely held on to beat Akron 28-24, but then, maybe Terry Bowden’s Zips were just starting to catch fire. Nope, Akron has since lost two games, to drop to 1-4. In Week 4, the Wolverines eked out a 24-21 win over Uconn. So maybe the Huskies’ loss to Towson was a fluke. Nope, again.

The Golden Gophers play their second trophy game in as many weeks, after losing the Floyd of Rosedale to Iowa, 23-7. Conventional wisdom now says that time of possession doesn’t matter, but the fact that the visiting Hawkeyes had the advantage by a 3:2 ratio is probably related to their having dominated the Gophers in total yardage, 464-165.

If you don’t understand why these teams play so hard for possession of the Little Brown Jug, just look at Wendell Porcupine, from Emmet Otter’s Jug Band. How much would you pay just to inhale some of the leftover fumes from whatever he’d been having?

Michigan 30, Minnesota 27

Arkansas at Florida

It didn’t take long for coach Bret Bielema to put his stamp on this Razorback team. His own recruit, freshman running back Alex Collins, has already rushed for 597 yards in five games. Collins’ 116 yards on 14 carries weren’t enough to beat Texas A&M last week, but they ought to concern the 3-1 Gators, whose defense hasn’t faced any similar threat so far this season.

UF has lost quarterback Jeff Driskel and, more importantly, defensive tackle Dominique Easley, are both out with season-ending injuries. Don’t be fooled by the fact that their absence was not felt during last week’s 24-7 waltz through bluegrass country. Their first two conference opponents have not been of the Hogs’ caliber, and that will become apparent almost immediately after kickoff.

This is the last game to be played at The Swamp for more than a month, what with Will Muschamp’s team playing its next two games at LSU and Missouri, followed by an idle week, and then the traditional neutral-site game against Georgia. Traveling doesn’t agree with the Gators, though. They’ve got this thing about luggage.

Arkansas 24, Florida 10

Michigan State at Iowa

Few would have expected that last year’s 19-16 double-OT win for the Hawkeyes would be their last win of the season, but it was, even though their six remaining opponents included Indiana and Purdue.

The Spartans haven’t scored 30 or more points against a Division I-A opponent in an entire year, since they beat Indiana 31-27 the first week of last October. In ten games since then (excluding I-AA Youngstown State), they’ve averaged only 18.9 ppg.

When someone asks the Hawkeye’s leading rusher, “What are you, a Weisman?” he can answer, “Why, soitenny! Nyuk, nyuk.” Junior RB Michael Weisman is the NCAA’s fourth-leading ground-gainer, with 615 yards.

Iowa 22, Michigan State 9

Kansas State at Oklahoma State

The Pokes’ 30-21 loss to West Virginia makes it official. The entire Big XII Conference is hereby declared to be lame. At least K-State has a good excuse, since they’ve had to replace so many players from last year’s conference championship team.

The Cowboys stubbornly left second-string quarterback Clint on the Chelf during that defeat, in spite of the dismal 20-of-47 performance by J.W. Walsh. The Czar hopes coach Mike Gundy the Man is big enough that he’s not allowing angry and obscene tweets from Chelf’s lardheaded brother affect his judgment.

T. Boone Pickens Stadium will keep its title in spite of the recent financial woes of the famous OSU alumnus. By happy coincidence, the naming rights have been sold to Mr. T, Pat Boone, and Slim Pickens. Let’s hope Bill Snyder Family Stadium back in Manhattan doesn’t find itself in similar economic straits. If it did, the coach might be forced to sell off his children.

Oklahoma State 33, Kansas State 18

Missouri at Vanderbilt

With an 18-13 record, third-year Commodore head coach James Franklin has become the biggest thing to hit Nashville since Miranda Lambert. Unfortunately for Vandy fans, Franklin is one of the coaches being frequently mentioned, along with Louisville’s Charlie Strong, as a leading prospect for the USC job.

The 4-0 Tigers trailed Arkansas State by one point at halftime, but wore down the defending Sun Belt champs to win handily, 41-19. Sophomore RB Russell Hansbrough dashed for 96 yards on only eight carries. In each of two previous games, he gained 104 yards, on eight and 13 carries, respectively.

VU has a dangerous sophomore tailback of its own in Jerron Seymour, whom the College Football Czar officially dubs “Medicine Man,” in case nobody else has thought of it yet. Seymour’s 107 yards and two TDs on 12 carries was all the tonic his team needed, in a feel-good 52-24 romp over UAB.

The Czar must apologize for the unnecessarily cruel reference in that first paragraph. Everyone knows that Toby Keith is actually bigger than Miranda Lambert.

Vanderbilt 35, Missouri 31

Illinois at Nebraska

Nathan Scheelhaase has been a House of Scheel for the Illini. The Czar doesn’t even know what that means, but it must be good, considering that the senior QB tossed five TD passes in last week’s 50-14 romp over Miami Ohio. Scheelhaase needs only 200 yards to surpass his total from last year, when he was slowed by an ankle injury.

It’ll be interesting to see if the Fighting Illini have anything left with which to surprise the N-men, after they emptied their bag of tricks all over the field a week ago. Their most impressive trick was that they dressed up like the Virginia Cavaliers, and then threw the ball all over the field.

The official attendance for the Cornhuskers’ Week 4 game against the Division I-AA South Dakota State Jackrabbits was 90,614. They better have all remained in their seats until the very end of the 59-20 rout, so as not to incur the wrath of coach Bo Pelini.

At least, the following day, Pelini was thoughtful enough to tell them, “Oh, about that wrath thing? Never mind.”

Nebraska 42, Illinois 40

North Carolina at Virginia Tech

In last Thursday’s 17-10 win over Georgia Tech, Frank Beamer’s team wore helmets that were designed to resemble “Hokie Stone,” a type of limestone that, to people who are fascinated with that sort of thing, is very distinctive, and indigenous to the Blacksburg area. Those helmets o’ stone seemed a mite insensitive, considering the topic that has dominated football over the past year. Don’t be surprised if Tech is forced to wear brain injury awareness ribbons for the remainder of the season.

Since leading that same Georgia Tech team 20-7, the Tarheels have been outscored 76-31 in just over three halves of football. After crumbling in a 28-20 loss to GT, they were embarrassed on their home field by East Carolina, 55-31. UNC’s running game has been barely half of what it was last year, averaging just a fraction of a percentage point over 100 yards a game.

If the Gobbler had made their headgear out of Schoolhouse Rock instead of Hokie Stone, then maybe their helmet logo wouldn’t have spent all these years trying to figure out the square root of one.

Virginia Tech 23, North Carolina 13

TOPICS: Humor; Society; Sports
KEYWORDS: analyses; collegefootball; ncaa; predictions

1 posted on 10/03/2013 5:26:25 PM PDT by Daniel Clark
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To: Daniel Clark

Big Ten football ain’t what it used to be. DUhhh.

Go Golden Gophers! Beat the Wolverines!

Pass me my meds, ThX! :-)

2 posted on 10/03/2013 5:33:45 PM PDT by NormsRevenge
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To: Daniel Clark

John Ziegler is up to 11-0 on his picks against the spread this year. You should follow him on twitter. Easy money. This week he likes Maryland + 16.5 and Penn State -3

3 posted on 10/04/2013 8:35:49 PM PDT by FlJoePa ("Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good")
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