Posted on 01/03/2014 3:08:33 PM PST by BruceDeitrickPrice
The more things change, and all that. Here’s a satirical piece I found in my files from the year 2000, inspired by a previous president. Now, when Obama is being celebrated for his “Lie of the Year,” it seems like a good time to publish this piece. I haven’t changed a syllable….
President Clinton today told a delightful litany of small distortions and big whoppers to an admiring audience of ordinary hand-picked citizens. Reporters on the scene said they had rarely seen the president in such good form.
President Clinton announced two bold new programs he has no intention of supporting, he ridiculed three programs he is quietly pushing through Congress, and said that if anybody anywhere has a blessing, the White House deserves credit, and if anybody anywhere has a problem, the Republicans are directly to blame because they want people to have problems. “That’s really all they stand for,” the president said with appropriate presidential solemnity.
He then launched into three long personal anecdotes about his difficult youth. Everybody knew the stories were proof of his wonderful creative abilities and clapped accordingly.
The president then gushed, “Boy, I’m good at this stuff.” An awkward silence fell upon the crowd as everyone knew he had spoken the literal truth. Many worried this dizzying novelty might be too painful for him to handle. But within a second he had regained his stride and was gushing praise for two celebrities he was known to hate. The crowd settled down happily. As a new poll by Gerrymander, Inc. concluded, “The American people love the way this man lies. It’s exhilarating. Next to him, honest politicians appear tame and wimpy. If a president really believes in himself and his programs, he should lie. That’s President Clinton’s liberating message.”
The president repeated his opposition to a tax cut if it’s done the wrong way, denounced missile defense unless it’s done the right way, said he has seen a line of cocaine but “didn’t eat one bit of it,” and he did release his medical records – it’s certainly not his fault that people weren’t paying attention.
At one point, the president was actually able to string together 14 consecutive lies, 10 lip bites, 18 raised eyebrows, and a quick grope of an intern. His aides applauded wildly. “Now that’s a presidential performance,” said Sidney Blumenthal, adding, “We’ve hardly seen its like since the great days of Juan Peron.”
“All the other presidents lied,” James Carville pointed out, “so they aren’t any better than this president. But this president does it with so much more skill and style. So he’s better than all of them! Put together!!”
Mrs. Clinton rush forward to add her own lies. “It’s an honor being married to him. I love him. He’s the smartest man I’ve ever known. And if he can find time in his busy schedule for serial adultery and workplace sexual harassment, I say more power to him. That’s the kind of aggressive leadership we women like.”
There was another awkward moment when Chelsea was asked to lie and declined. The president immediately confided she had “terminal laryngitis” and called for a medvac chopper to take the young woman to Walter Reed hospital. “She’ll have her voice back in no time,” he joked, “or else.” He then stared toward the horizon, like the visionary he is widely acknowledge to be. “Fort Marcy Park’s right over there somewhere.”
The president finished on a defiant note, insisting that the recent bombing of France never occurred. He said the story was spread by the vast right-wing conspiracy to undermine his role in international affairs. “Those kooks are really that desperate,” the president explained. If the bombing did occur, he added, there wasn’t any damage. And if there was, the French surely deserved it. In any case, the president mentioned, “the damned military just can’t wait to try a new bomb. They didn’t ask me. Actually, the first I heard about it was an article in the paper. I was shocked! I expect we’ll need an independent investigation of the so-called incident. I’ve already conferred with Janet Reno about the matter. She said the bombing didn’t occur but if it did she won’t sleep until she has all the facts! Shredded! Haha!”
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Thanks for not excerpting.
RantRave doesn’t care.
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