Horse: The Jalopnik Review

Oh, really, smart guy—you've got a horse outside? Let me tell you about that horse. One horsepower. Questionable handling. Beast.

I know a number of people who like to think of their car as if it were a sentient being. Their cars have feelings. Get boo-boos. Some may even have to be coaxed into working properly like a reluctant child. There's emotional attachment there, and I can't fault that. Ask me about my purple bunny rabbit, for Pete's sake.

But what if you were atop a living, breathing thing? Is this still a viable means of transportation or are you just going to get saddle sores, give up and die before you ever reach your destination? Look, we're not all perched atop balls of steel like John Wayne. Some of you wimps even want things like cup holders and air conditioning in your vehicles. HA!

Let me get this out of the way: the"personality" you call that collection of squeaks, rattles and faults in your car isn't actually a personality. A horse that will throw you off or hoof you in the nads if you look at it the wrong way? That's a personality. You can't spook a car.

The horses, as tested, were very gentle horses assigned to us by experience level. My friend Monica used to ride quite regularly, so they put her on a horse that required a bit more attention to keep going straight. Thomas and I were assigned the most docile horses that are generally reserved for n00bs.

Mine was the equine equivalent of an older Corolla: probably not exciting to someone with a lot of seat time on a horse, but to someone trying out a horse for the first time, the horse was predictable when it needed to be.

Predictability is not a big thing with horses, which required the development of “horse sense” in the handler. There is a connection between horse and rider that borders upon an emotional bond, as much for the horse as the rider.

Horses look at the world differently than you or I, with its eyes able to focus independently. The horse is looking at two different views of the world, the left-hand side and the right-hand side. Also, the horse has an extremely sensitive muzzle, and for the most part, a relatively sensitive mouth, which makes it possible to control even a rather unruly horse, with the proper bridle and bit.

By nature a rather timid beast, in a world filled with carnivorous creatures, the horse is the ultimate defensive player. Armed with a strong jaw filled with teeth able to inflict a very painful bite, and well-developed single-digit hooves on all four feet, the horse can inflict deadly force with any of the hooves, by either rising in the hindquarters and striking down with the forefeet, or pivoting on the forequarters and striking outward with the rear hooves. The trick is to charm the horse so you may get within range of these very potent weapons without exciting its response to you as predator, and make use of the horse’s capabilities to maintain a relatively swift pace (compared to merely human mobility), and its capability to graze off what would be very unpromising forage when crossing a hostile environment.

It is really something to be in control of a beast some ten times your weight, and standing as high at the shoulder as an average sized person, earning its trust and compliance.

I grew up with horses and decided some time ago that they are not worth the trouble. Except for use is some government restricted wilderness zones.

I’ll take a car, mc, trk, 4 wheeler any day over a horse the best thing about the powered vehicle is can turn them off and basically forget about them.

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