Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Everything You Need to Know About Being a Husband From Reading 50 Shades of Grey
Time ^ | 3-4-2014 | Dave Barry

Posted on 07/26/2014 2:18:56 PM PDT by Citizen Zed

So I read Fifty Shades of Grey. This is the book written by female British author “E. L. James” that became a huge bestseller, devoured by pretty much every woman on Earth except my wife (or so she claims).

I think I might be the only man who read this book. I did it sneakily, hiding the cover, especially when I was on an airplane, which actually is a good place to read this book because you have access to a barf bag. I say this because of the writing style, which is . . . OK, here’s one tiny sample of the writing style:

“Did you give him our address?”

“No, but stalking is one of his specialties,” I muse matter-of-factly.

Kate’s brow knits further.

That’s right: This is the kind of a book where, instead of saying things, characters muse them, and they are somehow able to muse them matter-of-factly. And these matter-of-fact musings cause other characters’ brows—which of course were already knitted—to knit still further.

(Excerpt) Read more at time.com ...


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: porn
Saw the movie trailer at the Theatre last night. It generated a lot of disgust.
1 posted on 07/26/2014 2:18:56 PM PDT by Citizen Zed
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

It’s porn.


2 posted on 07/26/2014 2:21:10 PM PDT by driftdiver (I could eat it raw, but why do that when I have a fire.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed
I think I might be the only man who read this book.

No real man would read this book.

3 posted on 07/26/2014 2:23:22 PM PDT by SeaHawkFan
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

As with everything in our culture, being creative garbage only means a more ready and welcoming audience.


4 posted on 07/26/2014 2:25:36 PM PDT by lurk
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

5 posted on 07/26/2014 2:26:08 PM PDT by KC_Lion (Build the America you want to live in at your address, and keep looking up.- Sarah Palin)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

Now I confess to liking porn as much as the next guy. But I couldn’t even make it all the way through this article. I can’t imagine getting through 500 pages of the book.


6 posted on 07/26/2014 2:33:04 PM PDT by Maceman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

The basic premise of “50 Shades” is found in this old joke:

Man: Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?

Woman: Yes, I would.

Man: Would you sleep with me for five dollars?

Woman: NO. What kind of a woman do you think I am?

Man: We already established that. Now we’re just haggling over price.


7 posted on 07/26/2014 2:36:31 PM PDT by Bryanw92 (Sic semper tyranni)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

Who cares? I say, let the women have their silly book. So long as I don’t have to read it or be dragged to the inevitable movie starring Shirley McLaine or Meg Ryan or Susan Sarandon...


8 posted on 07/26/2014 2:44:15 PM PDT by SamAdams76
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

So men like porn delivered via pictures and women like porn delivered via words - which just confirms that men and women are two different species united by a single rib.


9 posted on 07/26/2014 2:45:23 PM PDT by vbmoneyspender
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

Hilarious article.


10 posted on 07/26/2014 2:45:44 PM PDT by RoosterRedux (Obama: Race is his cover...jihad is his game.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: SeaHawkFan

I read it. But only because a former girlfriend said I remind her of Christian Grey (the irresistible part not the sadistic part). I disagree. The book is trash.


11 posted on 07/26/2014 2:53:44 PM PDT by rfreedom4u (Your feelings don't trump my free speech!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

Dave Barry is a certified genius!!! I have never read anything of his that did not cause me laugh until tears. Another superb column!!
As for the book, i wouldn’t read it to my dog.


12 posted on 07/26/2014 3:01:54 PM PDT by rikkir (Islam is evil...There, that should get DOJ interested in my cell phone!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

Civilization, that’s the key. In a civilized society, male human beings are expected to suppress their normal animal instincts regarding sexual behavior with female human beings. This suppression is contrary to normal male animal behavior. Rabbits, dogs, cats, etc. operate sexually in a non-civilized manner. Cavemen acted on basic male animal instinct. Then, over time, they became civilized. While some civilized men have been able to overcome societal sexual restrictions (Hugh Hefner comes to mind), most civilized men just direct their energies toward non-sexual activities and remain frustrated and horny. In regard to understanding female human beings, women: I have no clue.


13 posted on 07/26/2014 3:04:26 PM PDT by lakecumberlandvet (Appeasement never works.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: vbmoneyspender

Interesting take. You might be on to something here.


14 posted on 07/26/2014 3:06:02 PM PDT by MichaelCorleone (Jesus Christ is not a religion. He's the Truth.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed
What every man should know about women and sex.

Women enjoy fantasizing about enjoying sex. Given the opportunity to actually have sex, women prefer instead to fantasize about it. If a man has issues with being aroused, he is certain their is something wrong with him. If a woman has issues with being aroused, she is also certain their is something wrong with him.

15 posted on 07/26/2014 3:10:56 PM PDT by SampleMan (Feral Humans are the refuse of socialism.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: driftdiver

According to some high school kids, it’s really poorly written porn.


16 posted on 07/26/2014 3:16:01 PM PDT by DannyTN (I)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

“I know that sounds like crazy talk, but I have firsthand confirmation of this phenomenon from my friend Ron, who is married to my wife’s cousin Sonia, a woman.”

I guess that line is in there so we’re clear that it doesn’t work with the other kind of “wife”.


17 posted on 07/26/2014 3:19:49 PM PDT by Stormdog (A rifle transforms one from subject to Citizen)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed
An old movie line went something like this; “There’re only two men who know what women want, and they're both dead!”

With wisdom like that, there's no need to bother reading a book on the subject ;-)

18 posted on 07/26/2014 3:21:05 PM PDT by DakotaGator (Weep for the lost Republic! And keep your powder dry!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

I would rather burn it than read it


19 posted on 07/26/2014 3:21:18 PM PDT by GeronL (Vote for Conservatives not for Republicans)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: lakecumberlandvet

Hugh Hefner is not civilized


20 posted on 07/26/2014 3:23:23 PM PDT by GeronL (Vote for Conservatives not for Republicans)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

I read one paragraph of it, because it was posted on a forum I was on, and... it’s just... it’s not good writing! Hey, I have nothing against erotica. But you can find better stuff over on AO3. (Trust me, I know.)


21 posted on 07/26/2014 3:24:01 PM PDT by A_perfect_lady
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: A_perfect_lady

Public Schools hand out better erotica to the kids these days I have heard.


22 posted on 07/26/2014 3:25:44 PM PDT by GeronL (Vote for Conservatives not for Republicans)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: SampleMan

I can assure you, from personal experience, that does not apply to all women.


23 posted on 07/26/2014 3:34:37 PM PDT by mom4melody
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: GeronL

I agree and I stand corrected.


24 posted on 07/26/2014 3:43:58 PM PDT by lakecumberlandvet (Appeasement never works.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

Please. I don’t read schlock.


25 posted on 07/26/2014 3:44:49 PM PDT by OpusatFR
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed
I muse matter-of-factly.

Elmore Leonard would have puked over that.

26 posted on 07/26/2014 3:48:37 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler (Conservatism is the political disposition of grown-ups.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: driftdiver
It’s porn.

IIRC, from the reviews early in its phenomenal success, it was described as "Mommy Porn".

27 posted on 07/26/2014 3:50:59 PM PDT by Calvin Locke
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: SeaHawkFan
No real man would read this book.

Neither would any real woman.

28 posted on 07/26/2014 3:51:17 PM PDT by pbear8 (the Lord is my light and my salvation)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: SampleMan

In a supermarket one day, I noticed an attractive man and an attractive woman at the newsstand, facing away from each other. He was looking at Playboy pictures, she was reading a romance novel. They both had that “lonely single” look. Neither was interested in the really attractive person next to them.

Fantasy trumped reality for the man, who wanted to SEE sex, and for the woman, who wanted to HEAR/READ about it.


29 posted on 07/26/2014 3:51:49 PM PDT by Veto! (OpInions freely dispensed as advice)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: SampleMan

I have read quotes from post-menopausal women that when they and their married partner reach a certain age, they, the women, hoped to be done with that “foolishness” i.e. sex. I guarantee all the women on this forum that although their motors might slow down a tad, most men do not consider sex “foolishness” when they’re past fifty. I do not condone cheating on your mate for whatever reason, but I’ll just let women know that the majority of men never quite lose their interest in sex.


30 posted on 07/26/2014 3:54:34 PM PDT by driftless2 (For long term happiness, learn how to play the accordion.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: KC_Lion

Cracks me up every time.


31 posted on 07/26/2014 4:01:07 PM PDT by Tanniker Smith (Rome didn't fall in a day, either.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

Unnngh, that awful first-person, present-tense composition. I can’t stand to read anything in present-tense.

Third-person is not much better: “James walks into the house and asks, ‘What’s for supper?’ His mother replies, ‘Food.’ ‘What kind of food?’ James persists. ‘Food you’ll eat or go hungry,’ his mother states firmly.’ “

And second-person narration, in which the writer purports to describe the thoughts and feelings of either the subject or the reader, is the absolute WORST!


32 posted on 07/26/2014 4:04:59 PM PDT by Tax-chick (No power in the 'verse can stop me.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: driftless2

I think for many “post menopausal women” it’s a HORMONE thing...hormones go away....do does desire, and some physical, ahem, needs to make the “foolishness” comfortable....but...it can be corrected...it’s just that I think a lot of women don’t care for many reasons...


33 posted on 07/26/2014 4:10:02 PM PDT by goodnesswins (R.I.P. Doherty, Smith, Stevens, Woods)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: goodnesswins

I understand that. I’m just saying women should understand that just because they lose interest doesn’t mean their partners also lose interest.


34 posted on 07/26/2014 4:30:45 PM PDT by driftless2 (For long term happiness, learn how to play the accordion.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: Citizen Zed

My inner god just told me I’d get a bigger kick out of reading the phone book than this thing.


35 posted on 07/26/2014 4:31:19 PM PDT by Savage Beast (Hubris and denial overwhelm Western Civilization. Nemesis and tragedy always follow.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Veto!

Not quite.

Presuming that they were both single, and available, here is the big difference.

Had the man turned to the woman and asked her if she would like him to make love with her, she would have rejected him out of hand.

Had the woman turned to the man and asked the same question, they would have been making love within 30 minutes.


36 posted on 07/26/2014 4:40:39 PM PDT by SampleMan (Feral Humans are the refuse of socialism.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 29 | View Replies]

To: mom4melody
I can assure you, from personal experience, that does not apply to all women.

Every rule has the exception that proves it.

37 posted on 07/26/2014 4:43:16 PM PDT by SampleMan (Feral Humans are the refuse of socialism.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: mom4melody
I can assure you, from personal experience, that does not apply to all women.

Its safe to say that 50% of the married women between the ages of 18 and 60 could have sex with their partners any time they want to. That never applies to men.

IMO women create fantasy worlds where they would be a sexual goddess, "if only...", and that becomes the major impediment to actually having sex.

38 posted on 07/26/2014 4:56:05 PM PDT by SampleMan (Feral Humans are the refuse of socialism.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: lakecumberlandvet

don’t feel bad. not even women understand women.


39 posted on 07/26/2014 5:40:20 PM PDT by Secret Agent Man ( Gone Galt; Not averse to Going Bronson.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: OpusatFR
Please. I don’t read schlock.

You might like the comic strip "Schlock Mercenary". I think it's quite good. *grin*

40 posted on 07/26/2014 6:23:32 PM PDT by Utilizer (Bacon A'kbar! - In world today are only peaceful people, and the mooslimbs trying to kill them-)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 25 | View Replies]

To: vbmoneyspender

You might be right in general, but some women are *very* visual.


41 posted on 07/26/2014 7:07:38 PM PDT by beaversmom
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: SampleMan

Sorry to say, but you have obviously been grievously shortchanged by the women in your life if you really believe that women prefer fantasizing about sex to having sex.


42 posted on 07/27/2014 10:27:16 AM PDT by ladyrustic
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: SampleMan

Probably. But if either had come up for air from their designated fantasy, noticed the attractive person next to them and asked her/him out for coffee and a get-acquainted chat, a relationship might have developed.

The dreaded R word? Why bother when fantasy is so available. Sad.


43 posted on 07/27/2014 10:27:18 AM PDT by Veto! (OpInions freely dispensed as advice)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 36 | View Replies]

To: ladyrustic

Me and every man that I’ve ever known. Beyond that though, you’re probably right.


44 posted on 07/27/2014 11:19:41 AM PDT by SampleMan (Feral Humans are the refuse of socialism.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 42 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson