Tuesday Tickles

unknown | 3/7/2017 | self

[sodpoodle]

This is what all of you 70+ year olds, and yet-to-be kids have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The

receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know the facts.

[sodpoodle]

For those of you on Medicare;

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump’s proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!

[chajin]

he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts

That deserves a brief comment

[sodpoodle]

As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that:

Whether we wear a $300 or $30 watch - - - they both tell the same time.

Whether we carry a $300 or $30 wallet/handbag - - - the amount of money inside is the same.

Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $30 or $3 wine - - - the hangover is the same.

Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3,000 or 30,000 sq. ft. - - - the loneliness is the same. And we realize our true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world.

Whether we fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down - - - we go down with it.

Whether we fly first or economy class, if the plane reaches its destination - - - everyone arrives at the same time.

Therefore . . . we should realize that when we have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom we can chat, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth — that is true happiness!

Six Undeniable Facts of Life

1. Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy, so when they grow up they will know the value of things, not the price.

2. Best wise words: “Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.”

3. The one who loves you will never leave you because, even if there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find one reason to hold on.

4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human.

Only a few folks really understand that.

5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die.

In between, you have to manage.

6. If you just want to walk fast, walk alone; but, if you want to walk far, walk together!

Six Best Doctors in the World

1. Sunlight

2. Rest

3. Exercise

4. Diet

5. Self Confidence

6. Friends

And, finally:

The nicest place to be is in someone’s thoughts,

The safest place to be is in someone’s prayers,

[sodpoodle]

David Feherty does a stand up show that is quite spectacular. It’s all about his life in golf, the drinking and lots of stories about life on the tour.
Here’s one of his stories:

It was back in the 70’s and a soon-to-be prominent golfer (Ray Floyd) was playing at Augusta for his first Masters. Back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals. Floyd told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed.

The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, “Hello Mr. Floyd.”

Floyd said “Hello.” And followed that with, “That’s the last I want to hear from you unless I ask you a question.”

Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene he said out loud,
“I’m going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole.”

Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said,
“How’s that?”

The caddy spoke for the first time and said, “That wasn’t your ball.”

You gotta love it!

[sodpoodle]

GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
— John Adams

2. If you don’t read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper
you are misinformed.
— Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the handle.
—Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw

6. A politician is someone who feels a
great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes
to pay off with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy

7. Giving money and power to
government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. Government’s view of the
economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
—Ronald Reagan (1986)

9. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government
and report the facts.
— Will Rogers

10. If you think health care is
expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it’s free!
— P. J. O’Rourke

11. No man’s life, liberty, or
property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain (1866)

12. Talk is cheap, except when
Congress does it. — Anonymous

13. The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the blessings.

The inherent blessing of socialism
is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill

14. The only difference between a
tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain

15. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
— Mark Twain

16. What this country needs are
more unemployed politicians
—Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)

17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
— Thomas Jefferson

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity,
by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without
working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?

Neither could I.