Posted on 08/08/2018 10:44:10 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive liquor day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I`m a lesbian and besides that, my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off.
Should I clobber him with something heavy, or should I just leave him? Your advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely, Mad as Hell
Dear Mad as Hell,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to violence and try to act more like a lady.
Remember, you were almost elected President of the United States, so try acting like one.
Abby
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones.
The wife was a romantic type and a retired English teacher of the classics.
The husband a retired Navy Chief was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "On the toilet. Please advise."
+1
Lol
Reminds me of the recent one where the wife told the husband “Go to go to the store, get a gallon of milk, and if they have avocados, get six.”
When he came home, the wife asked why he had six gallons of milk. He told her “Because they had avocados.”
Like in the 90s, she inspired KFC to sell "The First Lady Basket" --- Two plump thighs, no breasts, two left wings, and no heart.
Both good, but the second one...LOL!!!
Reminds me of the recent one where the wife told the husband “Go to go to the store, get a gallon of milk, and if they have avocados, get six.”
When he came home, the wife asked why he had six gallons of milk. He told her “Because they had avocados.”
I Like that. It was funny. I read it twice and laughed both times...
Lol!!
An 80 year old woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist.
“Do you have pain pills, anti-inflammatory pills, anti-wrinkle cream, Viagra, hemorrhoid ointment, hose for varicose veins, knee braces, back braces, memory pills, and sleeping pills?”
The pharmacist replies: “Yes ma’am, we are a well stocked pharmacy and have everything on your list, but I am a little confused as to why you are asking.”
To which the woman says: “Well, I’m 80, my boyfriend is 82 and we are going to be married soon, and I was just wondering if we could set up our wedding gift registry here.”
Glad u enjoyed them.
Keep smiling and God bless.
sod
An elderly lady asks a pharmacist an embarrassing question, “Sir, does that Viagra pill really work?”. “Yes Ma’am, they do”, the pharmacist replies. “Can you get it over the counter?”, asks the lady. “Probably if I take two, I can”, says the pharmacist.
FR needs more humor like this.
Keep up the good work!
Tears of joy or tears of tragedy - both help heal our souls.
Looking at reply number 13 reminds me... I have a HUGH avocado seed :)
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is...... I have another arm to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it, doc,” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf-course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon. “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”
h/t Leo
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