#2 and #3 are hilarious.
How about some classic Gary Larson?
Posted on 10/19/2018 1:04:24 PM PDT by sodpoodle
An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says
"He got in the back-seat by mistake."
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
#2 and #3 are hilarious.
How about some classic Gary Larson?
I can’t wait,
You’re only worry
Will be about Desert
That Nite!
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.
He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”
She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
“Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?”
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a (beeping) thing.”
Excellent!!!!!
3 nursing home residents were talking about aging outside of their nursing home. The 60 year old resident said “60 is the worst age to be. You constantly feel like you have to pee but most of the time nothing happens.”
The 70 year old resident responds “That’s nothing compared to being 70. You can’t take a crap anymore. You eat all of the bran and take laxatives you can and still nothing happens.”
The 80 year old said, “You’re both wrong. 80 is actually the worst.”
The 60 year old asked the 80 year old, “Do you have trouble peeing too?” He responded, “No. I go at 6 every morning. I have no problem at all.”
The 70 year old asked him, “Do you have trouble taking a crap?” “No, I go at 6:30 each morning” the 80 year old responded.
The 60 year old said “Let me understand you clearly. You go #1 every morning at 6am and #2 every morning half an hour later. What’s so hard about being 80?”
The 80 year old concluded, “All of those things are true, but I don’t wake up until 10am.”
One of my favorites.
Harold meets Shirley at a retirement community in Florida. Every day they take a walk around the lake, and sit and talk. After a few days, the old guy asks, “Can I ask you something personal?” She says sure. “While we sit here, would you mind if I drop my pants and you hold my penis while we talk?” She thinks it a bit odd, but says sure, and this goes on for a few days.
Shirley is looking for him one evening, and asks at the desk if they’ve seen Harold. They say that Harold went for a walk with Stella. She goes outside, and sure enough, she sees Harold with Stella at the other side of the lake. Harold has his pants down and Stella is holding his penis. That night, a devastated Shirley sees Harold and asks “Harold! I thought we had something special!” Harold says “We do!” “Then why with Stella? Is Stella prettier than me?” “No” “Is she a better conversationalist than me?” “No” “Does Stella have more money than me?” “No”
“Than what does Stella have that I don’t have?” He looks at her and says, “Parkinson’s”
Wait a minute. 60 year old?
Dr. Geezer: An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young: “Aaagh ! -This is Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, - that is Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything! Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, “ Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.” Moral of story - Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer.”
A man died and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover an elaborate funeral. After the funeral a family friend asked the man’s widow how much of the money she used for the funeral. “All of it,” she replied. “The funeral was $6,500, I donated $500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went toward the memorial stone.” After a quick calculation, the friend said, “You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it?” “Two and a half carats,” the widow replied.
LOL! That’s a good one.
LOL!
Initially I was not going to read it, but then curiosity got the better of me and read it.
It is indeed amusing.
Fortunately it doesn’t happen to everyone.
My Mother lived to age 97, but her brain was better than that of many other much younger people.
I hope I inherited some of those good genes.
I went to Lowes about a month ago and when I came out my car was gone. I covered the whole general area where I knew I had parked, though remembered walking by the front of the store to go in.
I went in to call the police on their phone (mine was in the car) and couldn’t get it to work so, in the meantime I decided to scour the whole lot. I went out that doorway and there was my car. Parked right where I left it.
I had gone there twice that day and was remembering where I parked on the FIRST trip. And I didn’t walk by the front of the store, I DROVE by it when I parked the second time.
Is it the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning of the end?
Or is it just the end...
Old joke, cute but kinda dumb
My mother also lived to be 97 and was equally gifted with all her mental faculties. She died sitting at the bar in her independent living residence having her before dinner drink with her friend. The friend slipped and fell off the bar stool and broke her coccyx, for which the rescue squad was called. The team noticed my mother wasn’t showing concern for her friend, and when they asked if she was OK she didn’t respond. She never woke up, dying right there at the bar.
Had done her crossword puzzle and paid her bills plus got $50 from the bank for her weekly allowance.
I’ll sign up for that exit.
There’s no hyphen back seat.
Unless it's used as an adjective. In which case, it can also be concatenated.
I have a long time girl friend who told me she goes to Lowe’s so often that she has “Valet Parking”.
I laughed hard for about 4 minutes & could hardly catch my breath. She has more tools than most mechanics I know. AND-—she does know how to use them .
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