Posted on 12/06/2018 4:55:17 AM PST by sodpoodle
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the politician. "in fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, Never, Never... Be Late.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Male Logic - Flawless
This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be
approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
Good way to start the day. Love ya Sod...Sac
back atcha Sac;)
God bless. Take care and give joy.
You are wonderful. Thanks.
The first joke impugns homosexuality, the second joke uses profanity, and the third joke denigrates women. I demand this thread be pulled, in the name of good site morale.
Yeah.
No.
Airplane,?
I don’t need
No Stinking AIRPLANE!
HAPPY GARDENING
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate..
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
It was a fairly quiet night in the local neighborhood pub. The only thing unusual was the group of blondes sitting around a table.
They chatted among themselves, sipping their drinks, when occasionally one would raise a glass and proclaim "Twenty-Eight Days!". The others then hoisted their own glass, joining in with the phrase.
The periodic toasts went on for a while and finally one of the regular patrons sauntered over to the group. "Excuse me", he said, "it looks like you're celebrating something. May I ask what it is?"
One of the blondes replied "Of course. We bought a jigsaw puzzle and on the box it said 6-10 years. We finished it in 28 days!!".
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