Friday Funnies

1. I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

2. At the finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.

The other finalist was a redneck. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

4. Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

5. In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. “It’s not for sale.” said the proprietor.

“Look,” said the collector, “that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I’m eccentric. I like cats that way. I’II raise my offer to ten dollars.” It’s a deal.” said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

“For that sum I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer.” said the connoisseur. “The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.”

“Nothing doing.” said the proprietor firmly. “That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I’ve sold 34 cats.”

6. A large group of ISIS fighters are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters."

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters." Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

7. My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex. It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.

Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.” He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.” “No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!” He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!” My case comes up next Tuesday.

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.” He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”

8. A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry said, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the problem to the principal. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

And so it went with every question the principal asked. The principal looked at the teacher and said, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Pockets."

"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."

9. The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

10. Finally, with all due respect to pookie18 and his daily political cartoon laugh fest, a cartoon:

https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IsUMIsk6kNQ/YK8wc6jywVI/AAAAAAAEjmc/fe3AFJ9gOe8H1630zkynbLi3E0h9OU7QwCLcBGAsYHQ/s614/8810_thumb.jpg

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘NO!’

‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’

A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

A curious people, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “ Dark in here .”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy - “I have a baseball.”
Man - “That’s nice.”
Boy - “Want to buy it?”
Man - “No, thanks.”
Boy - “ My dad’s outside .”
Man - “OK, how much?”
Boy - “$250.00”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - “ Dark in here .”
Man - “Yes, it is.”
Boy - “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy - “$750.00”
Man - “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy - “$1,000”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and
make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “ Dark in here.”

The priest says , “ Don’t start that shit again.”

True story here.

When I was in grade school, the janitor would monitor the boys bathroom and constantly badger us about putting the toilet seat up before we took a leak.

I was in my mid-20s when they built a basketball court beside my old grade school. I’d go there and play pick-up games every so often.

One day I had to use the bathroom really bad and the school was just closing, so I thought I’d slip in and do my business. As I came down the hall to the bathrooms, I passed the old janitor. I wondered if he recognized me, but he showed no sign of it.

At that time I had been married a few years and it was just habit to put the toilet seat down after I used the bathroom.

As I came out of the bathroom, I saw the janitor go in behind me. I’d gotten maybe 30 ft down the hallway when he peeked his head out of the door and yelled, “Never learned a thing I told you, did ya?!”

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