Posted on 02/07/2022 9:51:55 AM PST by servo1969
NEW YORK—Following a slew of sexual misconduct allegations concerning staff, CNN has been forced to take extreme action to repair its image. The interim president has announced that henceforth, all CNN employees must wear chastity belts at all times.
"I know everyone wants to sleep with me, Jim Acosta," said Jim Acosta. "But this seems like overkill."
"I have never done anything wrong, ever," said Jake Tapper. "I'm not sure why this is necessary."
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Brian Stelter sporting his new metal chastity belt. “We take sexual misconduct seriously at CNN, that’s why we have all gladly locked ourselves away, lest we be tempted.”
“We considered a multitude of options, but none of them made as much sense as simply placing a giant cage and metal padlock over every employee's genitals.” said new CNN interim President Michael Bass. “Some have called this measure overkill, and inconvenient—I call it necessary.”
The keys to the belts have all been given to their spouses for safekeeping. “I can’t tell what this move has done for our marriage,” said Brian Stelter’s wife. “Knowing that my Brian is not acting up in the office has given me tremendous peace of mind.”
At publishing time, CNN was forced to up their requirement to force all employees to wear straight jackets to prevent staff from getting ‘handsy’ in the breakroom.
Good idea.
Fantastic!!!!! LOL!!!!
Out of an abundance of caution.
Bad news for everyone — Latest news from the CDC is that these chastity belts at CNN only work if everyone else wears them too.
CNN will deny this.
Yeah I think the men need them more!!
If YOU think this is bad, imagine how you would feel if you were Jeffrey Toobin....
Gotta love the bee. I have another solution: Machetes
👍👍
These Babylon Bee headlines are to close to reality. You have to start to read before you realize that it’s Satirical. No I never look at the byline first......
I understand they hired Lorena Babbitt to enforce the mandate.
I stand with you on machetes. And the government should provide them FREE.
over their Manginas...
Will Toobin fact check this on a Zoom call?
I read real headlines and double check its not the Bee I’m reading. They are that ridiculous .
Tuggin’ Toobin!
CNN Legal analyst Jeffrey “Loobin’” Toobin was unavailable for comment.
-PJ
The real question is, “Who has the key to all these chastity belts?”.
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