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Keyword: satire

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  • Dem Presidential Hopeful Claims Ability to See Future [semi-satire]

    02/20/2019 9:52:04 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    This week, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) tried to bolster her prospects for nabbing the Democratic nomination for president in the 2020 election by alleging she can see the future. "Back when I was in college in the 1980s I had a glimpse of the future where I saw the rise to fame of Snoop Dogg and Tupac," she claimed. "This was before anyone, including me, knew who these people were. Then came the 1990s and both shot to the top of the music world." "Now I see two paths diverging depending on who is elected our next president," Harris said....
  • Activists Vow John Wayne Will Never Work In Hollywood Again

    02/20/2019 3:27:44 AM PST · by DeplorablePaul · 51 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 2/19/19 | NA
    HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a 1971 Playboy interview with John Wayne that was deemed offensive surfaced online, liberal activists took to the streets to boycott the actor, vowing that Wayne will never work in Hollywood again.
  • Yet Another Dem Assails Booming Economy [semi-satire]

    02/19/2019 10:35:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Rep. Gwen Moore (D-WI) took her opportunity to speak at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing to criticize the rising incomes and increased employment of minorities that has been sparked by Republican policies of less regulation and lower taxes. “GDP is great, unemployment is at an all-time low, African Americans are doing well, Hispanics are doing well, wages are rising at the fastest pace in ten years, blah, blah, blah,” she admitted. “The beneficiaries are only those who are willing to work. There was no boost in income for those unwilling to work. In fact, the lowered unemployment was...
  • Let’s Stop Acting Like We Didn’t Join A Terror Cell When We Were Teenagers

    02/19/2019 7:12:15 AM PST · by OddLane · 9 replies
    CRITICS of infamous British ‘ISIS Bride’ Shamina Begum have been reminded that we were all teenagers once, and most of us were part of some bloodthirsty amphetamine-fueled hate group hellbent on genocide at that age. Begum, who left the UK to join ISIS in 2015, hit the headlines last week while pleading to be allowed to return to Britain to give birth to her baby after a disillusioning few years with the terror group, during which time the appeal of being a child bride to a Jihadi extremist ‘kinda buggered off’...
  • Nation's Liberals Devastated After Learning Hate Crime Didn't Actually Happen

    02/18/2019 4:18:41 PM PST · by Sub-Driver · 22 replies
    Nation's Liberals Devastated After Learning Hate Crime Didn't Actually Happen February 18th, 2019 U.S.—The nation’s liberals were struck by a devastating blow this week after finding out a hate crime, reported by Empire actor Jussie Smollet, didn’t actually happen. “I needed this to be true,” said liberal columnist Hanna Spalding. “When I first heard the news of this attack, I was filled with so much hope. I felt so validated. Then that was taken away. Now I just want to cry into my pillow.” The attack had been called “a modern-day lynching” by democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker but after...
  • Jussie Smollett Offered Job At CNN After Fabricating News Story Out Of Thin Air-SATIRE?

    02/18/2019 2:24:41 PM PST · by fungoking · 20 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 2/18/2019 | Staff
    ATLANTA, GA—While Empire actor Jussie Smollett has been having a tough week so far, there appears to be a silver lining: cable news channel CNN has offered Smollett a job as an investigative reporter and on-air anchor after witnessing his skills at fabricating a story entirely out of thin air. CNN producers were reportedly impressed throughout the ongoing saga of Smollett's apparent hoax attack on himself. They realized early on the facts didn't add up but were fascinated with how well the actor kept the narrative going. An HR rep quickly reached out to Smollett to see if he'd be...
  • Congresswoman Excited to Have Sparked Debate about Jews [semi-satire]

    02/18/2019 10:41:44 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) expressed excitement that her anti-Semitic tweets “have sparked a desperately needed discussion and debate over the nefarious Zionist conspiracy to take over the world. Muslims have been fighting to exterminate these vermin ever since Mohammed warned us about them fourteen hundred years ago. I’m glad I can use the platform awarded to me by my election to Congress to reach a wider audience.” “There are a hundred times as many Muslims as there are Jews,” Omar pointed out. “If we believe in democracy shouldn’t the wishes of the super-majority outweigh the wishes of the tiny minority?...
  • FBI Plotted Coup Against Trump [semi-satire]

    02/17/2019 10:22:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe publicly admitted that his Agency and other national security figures met to consider ways of ousting Trump from office in early 2017. Details of the plot are described in McCabe’s book: The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump. “It was clear to everyone in the room that Trump represented a clear and present danger to national security,” McCabe asserted. “He had no prior government experience. He didn’t work his way up through the political ranks as a governor or senator. He just jumped into the presidential race...
  • Trump’s Border Emergency Called ‘Unlawful’ [semi-satire]

    02/16/2019 9:59:56 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Given Congress’ provision of only a small token appropriation of $1.4 billion to fund a mere 55 miles of border barriers, President Trump used his constitutional designation as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces and statutory authority under the National Emergencies Act of 1976 to declare the continuing invasion of the United States by millions of illegal aliens a “national emergency.” The President announced he will use funds appropriated for national defense to build border barriers. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) denounced the President’s action as “unlawful. To characterize the migration of millions of...
  • California Eyeing Expropriation of Pacific Gas & Electric [semi-satire]

    02/15/2019 9:41:22 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Faced with a huge shortfall between revenues and expenditures, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) is putting together a "Strike Team" to seize the bankrupt PG&E utility. As Newsom sees it, "expropriation will help reduce the State's budget deficit. First, upon taking ownership we will repudiate the debts of this corporation and relieve ourselves of the obligation to pay back money lent to the company. Second, we will then breakdown and sell all the assets for cash. Friends tell me that the copper wires that carry electricity to homes and businesses bring a good price in the resale market." The Governor said...
  • My day: Ilhan Omar

    02/14/2019 3:12:47 AM PST · by BadLands59 · 21 replies
    Spectator USA ^ | February 13, 2019 | Dominic Green
    I woke up, thanked Allah for not letting the yahud across the street hypnotize me in my sleep, then crawled to the window and peeked over the sill. The black Volvo was gone. He must have got up early this morning, to stuff more money into the mouths of the other members of the Minnesota delegation. I got up, standing strong. My husband gets the kids’ breakfast. He’s like a brother to me. Really. It’s in our faith tradition. His support gives me time to do more for my people. There’s so much to do when I get to my...
  • SATIRE My day: Ilhan Omar

    02/13/2019 7:09:03 PM PST · by Rummyfan · 42 replies
    Spectator USA ^ | 13 Feb 2019 | Dominic Green
    I woke up, thanked Allah for not letting the yahud across the street hypnotize me in my sleep, then crawled to the window and peeked over the sill. The black Volvo was gone. He must have got up early this morning, to stuff more money into the mouths of the other members of the Minnesota delegation. I got up, standing strong. My husband gets the kids’ breakfast. He’s like a brother to me. Really. It’s in our faith tradition. His support gives me time to do more for my people. There’s so much to do when I get to my...
  • NY Guv Considering Supporting Construction of a Wall {semi-satire]

    02/13/2019 6:55:17 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) is reported to be leaning toward supporting the construction of a wall around his state's borders. "We are facing a major fiscal crisis," he said. "Our state's high tax rates have encouraged many of our highest earning residents to move to other states. We may need a wall to impede further attempts to escape paying these taxes." Cuomo is said to be impressed by the Berlin Wall's long period of success in deterring those living in Communist East Germany from escaping to capitalist West Germany in the nearly three decades of its existence following its 1961...
  • Maduro Repels US Interference in Venezuela’s Weight Loss Program [semi-satire]

    02/12/2019 9:57:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Efforts by the United States to send food to starving Venezuelans were blocked by order of President Nicolas Maduro. “Our policies have enabled our citizens to lose an average of more than 40 lbs. each over the past two years,” he boasted. “We have achieved objectives that the morbidly obese Americans envy and resent.” “The key is to remove the opportunity to eat,” Maduro explained. “The ’empty stores’ initiative we implemented largely accomplished this goal. It has also had the salutary added benefit of getting our people to eat garbage and keep almost all of the country’s edible waste from...
  • Booker to Oppose Trump Judicial Nominee [semi-satire]

    02/11/2019 9:22:54 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    After a series of obnoxious questions probing the breadth and depth of judicial nominee Neomi Rao’s knowledge of the sexual orientation of those who have worked for her at the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) pronounced her “unqualified to serve on any court.” “Her publicly admitted ignorance about the sex lives of those she works with reveals a willful refusal to get involved in the most important aspect of modern life,” Booker asserted. “Her claim to be focused on her employees’ competence and performance at their jobs to the exclusion of taking an interest whether...
  • Kamela Harass Campaign Abused Male Camel's Hump at Camel Festival in India

    02/10/2019 11:04:55 AM PST · by poconopundit · 16 replies
    Free Republic ^ | 2/10/2019 | PoconoPundit
    Today, fake officials filed a formal complaint against the Presidential campaign of Kamela Harris.  The fake charges and details of the case follow: The 2020 Harris Presidential Campaign for POTUS hired illegal aliens to dye and trim the hairs of a camel to create a likeness of Kamela Harris on the male camel's hump. A regular tourist of the festival said, "I'm very disappointed.  Their political stunt cheapened a beautiful festival honoring one of the great animals of the Earth." The owner of the abused camel translated the camel's complaint as follows: "In America, I hear Kamela Harass gives...
  • Trump Blamed for Virginia Dems’ Blackface Scandal [semi-satire]

    02/10/2019 10:11:03 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    What started out as an attempt to divert attention from Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s casual endorsement of infanticide during a radio show by hyping the discovery of a photo of a person in black face make-up standing next to another person wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood, mask and cloak in Eastern Virginia Medical School’s 1984 yearbook has turned into a scandal exposing top Democrats in the state. At first, Northam tried apologizing, but once he realized that the person in blackface was not him, he denied being either person in the photo and said he didn’t know how the...
  • Don't Take "Death to America" Personal [semi-satire]

    02/09/2019 3:00:39 PM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Iran's Ayatollah Ali Khamenei advised "ordinary Americans" to "not take the 'death to America' slogan personal. It is aimed at your country's leaders—Trump, Pompeo, Bolton and the like. They are the ones we demand be killed. Commoners would be judged on a case-by-case basis. As long as they have not committed any crimes against Islamic law, obey their Islamic rulers, and either convert or pay the jizya and feel themselves subdued most will probably survive." Khamenei also warned Europeans "to not get too uppity. Just because we do not chant death to France or Germany, for example, doesn't mean we...
  • Planned Parenthood Pushes "Care for All"

    02/08/2019 11:52:35 PM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2019 | John Semmens
    Encouraged by the "courageous and visionary leadership of Governors Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Ralph Northam (D-Virginia)" Planned Parenthood (PP) announced a major push for similar legislation in every state. PP spokesperson Adora Slaughter said "decisive action at the state level is needed to counter the possibility that the next Trump appointee to the Supreme Court tips the balance in favor of undesirable revisions or 'clarifications' of the 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling. As we saw from Trump's State of the Union speech, he is not averse to using lurid language denigrating the medically necessary dismemberment of what he called 'beautiful...
  • Trump Declares He's Against Murdering Puppies, Ocasio-Cortez Bravely Sits In Defiance

    02/06/2019 2:16:14 PM PST · by Gamecock · 8 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 2/6/2019
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—After President Trump bravely declared that he's against murdering puppies in the State of the Union address Tuesday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took a brave stand by sitting in defiance of his controversial remarks. While her Democratic colleagues stood after a brief moment of hesitation, Ocasio-Cortez crossed her arms and stared Trump down, courageously clapping back at the president and showing him that not everyone is on board with his anti-puppy-murder agenda. "The President obviously didn't do his homework," she said in an interview on CNN afterward, accompanied by several friends from the old bar she used to work at....