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Keyword: satire

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  • Gov Irate at Citizens' Insubordination [semi-satire]

    05/31/2020 12:03:49 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 May 2020 | John Semmens
    As the mass hysteria that allowed so many governors to frighten citizens into mindless obedience to inane and oppressive edicts has waned, Washington State Governor Jay Inslee (D) is irate. "I am the ruler of this state," he declared. "It is everyone's obligation—citizen and non-citizen, alike—to do what I tell them to do." A major irritant has been the increasingly widespread refusal of sheriffs and local police to cite, arrest, shutdown, or otherwise harass individuals attempting to enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness our representative democracy is meant to secure. "I consequently have ordered the Department of Labor...
  • Battle Over Election Fraud Heats Up [semi-satire]

    05/30/2020 2:20:25 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Though Twitter has a lengthy record of permitting leftists to post blatant lies and evidence-free accusations, this week it took issue with President Trump’s tweet warning of the risk of vote-fraud in vote-by-mail elections. Twitter alleged that a “fact check” shows that vote-fraud is nonexistent. It seems that the so-called fact check relied solely on repeated assertions from Democrats that vote-fraud does not exist to any serious extent. As it turns out, the assertion that vote-fraud is not a serious problem is itself a false statement. Back in 2005 a bipartisan Commission on Federal Election Reform, co-chaired by former President...
  • Chicago Mayor Defends Enforcement Priorities [semi-satire]

    05/30/2020 10:28:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Mayor Lori Lightfoot's decision to shift police resources to conducting raids on churches that hold services in defiance of her edict that this not be permitted has led to questions regarding her priorities. As is well-known, there are dozens of shootings in the City every week and a lengthy list of unsolved murders. This past Sunday, though, five police cars loaded with officers descended on Chicago Cornerstone Baptist Church to break-up Pastor Courtney Lewis' sermon and disperse the parishioners. Lightfoot justified the raid saying that "the City's residents have learned to live with the constant murders, but COVID-19 is a...
  • Arson & Theft Mar Minneapolis Protest [semi-satire]

    05/29/2020 8:42:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 May 2020 | John Semmens
    The legitimate grievance against the Minneapolis police who seem to have caused the death of subdued suspect George Floyd was undermined when opportunistic thieves and troublemakers used a protest demonstration as cover for robbery and arson. Businesses near the 3rd Precinct headquarters were vandalized, merchandise stolen, cash registers smashed open with hammers, and buildings set on fire. This display of lawless behavior was met by diverse responses. Mayor Jacob Frey (D) was distressed that "those trying to liberate assets from their capitalist oppressors are not socially distancing as required by the Governors' emergency order. I want everyone to be safe....
  • Chicago Gang Member Relieved To Discover All These Cops Just Here To Raid A Church (satire?)

    05/29/2020 12:39:19 PM PDT · by knighthawk · 2 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | May 29 2020
    CHICAGO, IL—The Devil's Thugs are a notorious Chicago gang, dealing mostly in money laundering, people-shooting, and graffitiing their gang's name onto signs so you'll know they're legit. Their leader and founder, Bob Thug, was frightened this past Sunday as he heard police sirens coming toward their secret hideout, which is an abandoned warehouse that says "No Gangs in Here" on the sign out front. When the violent gang member saw the flashing lights and SWAT teams heading his direction, he figured he was done for, so he was relieved to discover they were just raiding a dangerous church service nearby....
  • Rioters Decline To Sign Colin Kaepernick (satire)

    05/29/2020 12:37:26 PM PDT · by knighthawk · 8 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | May 29 2020
    MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Colin Kaepernick arrived at the Minneapolis riots last night, saying he was excited to be a part of the looting and violence. Kaepernick tried out for the riots by throwing bricks into windows but missed every time. He was able to rush a Molotov cocktail into a target window and then spike it on the ground, but then he caught fire. Finally, in a last-ditch effort to get selected for one of the riot squads, he filmed a workout video and sent it to various protester organizations but hadn't heard back as of publishing time. "While we appreciate Kaepernick's...
  • Newsom Threatens to Fire First-Responders [semi-satire]

    05/26/2020 10:20:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) says "the federal government has an ethical obligation to bail out my state. Admittedly, we might have been excessively generous in how we spent taxpayers' money. Perhaps this was a mistake. However, there is no need to make the people of California suffer for the miscues of their government. The federal government has an unconstrained power to create money. Failure to use this power to rescue California from bankruptcy would be a crime against humanity." Among the "miscues" are $1 trillion in unfunded pension liabilities, 15,000 hotel rooms leased to house the homeless along with...
  • FBI to Reevaluate Role in Flynn Case [semi-satire]

    05/25/2020 11:31:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Professing himself "disturbed" by the unexpected turn in the Flynn case, FBI Director Christopher Wray has ordered an internal review. "It is particularly concerning that the confidentiality of our methods has been compromised," Wray observed. "If the Agency's files can be so easily exposed to scrutiny we need to consider whether any records should be kept going forward. Our effectiveness will be blunted if unauthorized people can pierce the veil of secrecy that is vital to keeping the government safe from the type of oppositional defiant disorder exhibited by persons like Donald Trump and his deplorable supporters." Wray brushed aside...
  • Klobuchar Admission Dims Hopes for VP Nod [semi-satire]

    05/24/2020 1:37:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Revelation that her husband recovered from COVID-19 with the aid of hydroxychloroquine has lowered Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar's odds for snagging the spot as Biden's vice-president on the Democratic ticket for this year's election. CNN's Chris Cuomo called it "a likely coup de grâce for her. This is the drug touted by Trump. Every Democrat is expected to hold to the Party line view that it is dangerous and ineffective." Klobuchar has publicly adhered to the Party line, calling the drug "a menace" and mocked Trump's recent declaration that he has taken it as a preventive therapy. She sought to...
  • NYC Mayor Vows to Ban Fun on Memorial Day [semi-satire]

    05/23/2020 5:07:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    A day at the beach at Coney Island has been a traditional start of summer for many New Yorkers for many decades. However, Mayor Bill de Blasio is determined to ensure that "this year will be different. I know a lot of our residents are itching to get outside into the sunshine. But I'm here to remind everyone that the pandemic is still with us. I will continue to dictate what is and isn't permitted until I decide whether it is safe to go outside." De Blasio was unmoved by evidence showing that the coronavirus is vulnerable to the ultraviolet...
  • Cuomo Blames Trump for Nursing Home Fiasco [semi-satire]

    05/23/2020 12:16:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) rebuffed criticism of his order requiring nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients by blaming President Trump. The ordered cohabitation of infected and uninfected residents at these homes resulted in thousands of unnecessary and foreseeable deaths. “Yeah, I was the one who gave the order, but Trump did nothing to stop me,” Cuomo said. “He could’ve stepped in to countermand me, but he decided to allow each state to manage the pandemic in its own way. I know that Commissioner Zucker already admitted that the order was stupid, but isn’t overruling bad decisions made by state and...
  • Biden Says Blacks Who Don't Support him "Ain't Black" [semi-satire]

    05/23/2020 12:22:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    In an interview on the "Breakfast Club" Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told host Charlamagne Tha God that "if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black." Biden's statement was in response to Charlemagne's attempt to go over the originally allotted 20 minutes set aside for the interview by pleading "we've got more questions." While Biden's assertion that skin color determines political ideology reeks of racism, Fox News commentator, and former spokesperson for the State Department under President Barack Obama, Marie Harf insisted "it definitely was not racist. We all say things...
  • Ancestry.com Revokes Genealogies Of African Americans Who Don't Support Biden (Satire)

    05/22/2020 7:28:17 PM PDT · by Impala64ssa · 2 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 5/21/20
    LEHI, UT—Popular for-profit genealogy company Ancestry.com has revoked the family heritage of any African American who says they would not vote for Joe Biden. The company said they made the changes to reflect prevailing social beliefs about race and culture. "It used to be if your ancestors were from Africa and your skin was a darker pigment, then you were considered black," said Ancestry spokesperson Sheila Reinold. "Times have changed. What really determines a person's blackness now—beyond genes, DNA, family trees—is Joe Biden. Any other determiner of race is pure malarkey at this point." A frustrated Ancestry.com customer, Brian Jennings...
  • Michigan Governor Issues Additional COVID19 Regulations (Satire)

    05/20/2020 8:17:20 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 4 replies
    5/21/20 | RetiredTexasVet
    Michigan Governor Wretched Gretchen Whitless issued additional COVID19 regulations relating to the dam failures and subsequent flooding. Under the new regulations residents affected by the flooding will be required to remain in their homes (Safer At Home) until the flood waters recede to prevent virus spread in the affected communities. Residents will be allowed to climb onto their residence roof provided that they adhere to strict social distancing. The Michigan National Guard will be air dropping MREs to the affected residents. If virus cases do not increase in two weeks, residents will be allowed to leave their residences. Residents departing...
  • NFL Minority Hire Competitive Edge Explained (Satire)

    05/19/2020 2:39:39 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    5/19/20 | RetiredTexasVet
    The NFL minority hire competitive edge rules change will change the sport dramatically. Before each game, each team will have its minority hire competitive edge points (MHCEP) determined. The team's MHCEPs will be compared and the difference will be awarded to the team with the largest MHCEP. For example: Team A MHCEP = 25, Team B MHCEP = 43, so Team B is awarded 18 points at the start of the game. (Team B = 18, Team A = 0) The number of points per position, the positions eligible for points and the specific minorities are contained in the MHCEP...
  • Clapper Says "Spying on Americans Is Routine" [semi-satire]

    05/18/2020 9:48:11 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Former Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper dismissed the hubbub over revelations that the intelligence community spied on the Trump campaign by asserting "Trump wasn't singled out as some sort of personal vendetta. Spying on Americans is routine. I estimate that more than 100,000 different American citizens were spied on during my tenure at DNI." "We live in a dangerous world," Clapper reminded. "Enemies abound—both foreign and domestic. Those of us entrusted with defending the government from these enemies must be ever vigilant. Tapping phone lines, bugging residences, secretly video taping people in their homes and work places, blackmail,...
  • Judge Fishing for Reason to Punish Flynn [semi-satire]

    05/17/2020 10:32:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Attorney General William Barr's decision to drop the "lying to the FBI" charges against Gen. Michael Flynn has infuriated Judge Emmett Sullivan. The Judge is now soliciting ideas from anyone who wants to suggest an alternate charge for which the General can be punished. Former Judge John Gleeson suggested that "Flynn should be charged with perjury for falsely pleading guilty to lying to the FBI. There is no evidence that Flynn committed any crime. Consequently, his admission of guilt is clearly perjury. Judge Sullivan should find him guilty of perjury and sentence him to prison." House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold...
  • Sheriff Too Busy Rearresting Criminals to Enforce Lockdown [semi-satire]

    05/16/2020 4:29:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Fresno County Sheriff Margaret Mims says her officers “are too busy repeatedly rearresting criminals released under the state’s zero-dollar bail policy. We haven’t the time, resources, or inclination to enforce the social-distancing orders issued by Gov. Newsom.” Newsom proclaimed himself “seriously peeved by the failure of Sheriff Mims and others to carry out my orders. These law-enforcement officers are not authorized to select which laws they will or won’t enforce. It isn’t their job to decide which offenses are more serious. That is the responsibility of higher officials. In 2018 the legislature passed and Gov. Brown signed the law that...
  • Employees Refuse to Return to Work [semi-satire]

    05/16/2020 7:21:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Melony Wagner, owner of the Charles Village Pub in Baltimore, reports that her effort to reopen are being impeded by employees refusing to return to work. "The unemployment benefits augmented by the federal stimulus money they're getting exceeds the amount they made in wages and tips before we were ordered to shutdown," she said. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) boasted that "this restaurant example vindicates what I've been saying for years. Unemployment compensation is a better source of income than jobs. This may be inconvenient for people like Ms. Wagner, but it is her own fault for trying to operate...
  • China Warns: "US Cannot Defeat Coronavirus" [semi-satire]

    05/16/2020 12:32:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    The Chinese Government controlled Global Times mocked America's battle against the pandemic saying "the inability to dictate top-down solutions is frustrated by squeamishness to violate so-called individual rights like privacy and freedom of speech. This inherent weakness is why China will rise to dominate the world for the next 1,000 years." Gov. Jay Inslee (D-Wash) made a bid to rebut this assertion by pointing out that "I have established a surveillance protocol that will require private businesses to record the names and addresses of customers. This information will then be kept on file until needed. I have also set up...