Keyword: satire

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  • Text Messages Prove Strzok a Liar [semi-satire]

    09/18/2018 10:38:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    Newly released text messages between former FBI anti-Trump conspirators Peter Strzok and Lisa Page show that Strzok’s claim that “the media leak strategy” text revealed last week “was to discuss ways of preventing leaks” is false. In this week’s batch of newly discovered texts, Strzok wrote Page to tell her that “the Times is angry with us for giving the Washington Post the scoop on the leak about Carter Page and the FISA warrant.” Strzok’s admission that he leaked classified information to the Washington Post would seem to invalidate Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s excuse for refusing to turn over...
  • Carter Weighing 2020 Presidential Run [semi-satire]

    09/17/2018 2:00:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    Distressed by what he called the “human rights disaster perpetrated by President Trump,” former President Jimmy Carter said “I may have to come out of retirement to save the nation from his reelection.” “My main grievance is the blatant inequality Trump is willing to foist on this country,” Carter complained. “When I was president the entire country suffered through a malaise, but we did it together as one united people. The prosperity Trump is forcing on the country has shattered this unity and encouraged individuals to compete to get ahead. I don’t believe this is what Americans truly want. Otherwise...
  • Dems Object to Federal Pay Freeze [semi-satire]

    09/17/2018 10:59:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    Democrats in Congress are calling for legislation to reinstate a pay increase that President Trump canceled by executive order. Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) labeled Trump’s pay freeze “an indefensible attack on the hard-working government employees who keep the country going.” The reasoning behind the federal pay freeze is that government workers already earn far more for comparable work than their private sector counterparts. According data from Bureau of Economic Analysis, annual wages for federal government employees is nearly $89,000 vs. $59,000 for similar jobs in the private sector. When fringe benefits are counted, the gap widens to $127,000 vs. $71,000....
  • Socialist Leaders Clarify: ‘We Only Want Socialism For Everyone Else’-SATIRE?

    09/17/2018 10:47:37 AM PDT · by fungoking · 2 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 9/17/18 | Staff
    U.S.—Many people seem confused by socialist leaders, who are often well-off, amassing wealth and luxuries for themselves while complaining about the excesses of capitalism, but those socialists have clarified that they never intended socialism for themselves, just for everyone else. “I’m doing pretty well for myself and don’t need socialism,” Bernie Sanders, who is a member of the one percent and owns multiple houses, explained. “Other people aren’t doing so well, and we should redistribute their wealth amongst each other, but I’m fine as I am.” This was reiterated by multi-millionaire Jim Carrey. While the salary he gets paid could...
  • Trump Worse than bin Laden [semi-satire]

    09/16/2018 9:41:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough asserted that “President Trump is a far graver threat to America than the 9/11 attacks. The terrorists only killed a few thousand people, but Trump has poisoned the minds of tens of millions of voters.” “There is no way that al Qaida could’ve hoped to seize control of the US, but seizing control of the US is precisely what Trump, with the aid of 60 million co-conspirators, has done,” Scarborough contended. “This is a sizable enemy within that is in the process of undermining all the progress toward socialism achieved during the Obama Administration.” “We...
  • Florence Deaths To Rise To 20,000 (Satire)

    09/15/2018 6:24:20 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 11 replies
    9/15/18 | RetiredTexasVet
    A study commissioned by the Democratic National Committee at George Washington University projected that at least 20,000 people would die as a result of Hurricane Florence. GWU used the Climate Change Model perfected by Global Warming professors Jones, Hansen and Mann to calculate their projections of 20,000 deaths. Although the actual number of deaths to date are less than 20, when the Puerto Rico model (3,000 estimated deaths) was updated with the Florence statistics and tweaked several times, the death estimates rose to 20,000. GWU defended their results stating that several factors influenced the estimates. Many of the estimated deaths...
  • Professor Shoots Self to Protest Trump [semi-satire]

    09/15/2018 3:37:07 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    At the College of Southern Nevada, Professor emeritus Mark Bird shot himself in the arm in a restroom as a protest against President Trump's anti-gun control policies. "People like me should never be permitted to have a gun," Bird said. "The demented Second Amendment guarantee of the right to bear arms clearly failed to prevent me from shooting myself. Trump's unwillingness to repeal this Amendment is the cause of the injury I suffered from my self-inflicted wound." Bird acknowledged that "those who enacted the Second Amendment in 1789 inhabited a simpler and saner world than we do today. Back then...
  • Media Blames Trump for Hurricane Damage [semi-satire]

    09/15/2018 10:26:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, Hurricane Florence hit the Carolina coast of the United States. The Washington Post's editorial board charged President Trump with "complicity." "The Trump Administration's failure to sign the Paris Climate Accord combined with the surge in economic activity inspired by tax cuts and deregulation are directly responsible for any damage done by the weather in this country," the editorial claimed. "The steps former President Obama took to subdue economic growth had put the nation on a path that could have prevented hurricanes from being so dangerous. The shutdown factories and lower incomes his policies achieved mitigated the environmental forces...
  • FaceBook Better Prepared for 2018 Elections [semi-satire]

    09/15/2018 1:44:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg promised that "this year's efforts to ensure the proper election outcome will be more successful than our 2016 intervention." "In 2016 our security safeguards didn't prevent all nonconforming content from reaching voters." Zuckerburg admitted. "Some anti-Clinton messages weren't detected and blocked. Likewise, some pro-Trump messages still managed to get through. In the intervening two years we have tightened our measures. I am highly confident that we will have the maximum possible positive influence in determining who wins." As an example of the "tightened measures" Zuckerberg pointed out that "we have banned the #WalkAway movement that seeks...
  • SATIRE: Incoming Planned Parenthood President Confirms She Has Acquired Final Infinity Stone

    09/13/2018 9:51:05 PM PDT · by OddLane · 18 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | Setember 13, 2018 | Babylon Bee
    Well, this isn’t good. Planned Parenthood’s incoming president Dr. Leana Wen just confirmed in an interview that she has acquired the final Infinity Stone, the last piece of her plan to utilize the Infinity Gauntlet to wipe out millions of babies across the universe. “Aborting babies does put a smile on my face,” she said in the whimsical video announcing her new position with the abortion provider, a video in which the Infinity Gauntlet is clearly visible on a shelf behind her. “They can dread it, they can run from it—well, actually they can’t because they’re society’s most vulnerable group—but...
  • California Dems Vote to Seek Mutual Defense Treaty with China [semi-satire]

    09/11/2018 11:49:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    Citing the "common interests we share with China," eighty California State Assembly members have unanimously passed a bill to declare the legislature's support for "a mutual defense treaty to deal with the threat posed to both our nations by the Trump regime." Assembly member Evan Low (D-Campbell) said "the Trump Administration's policies constitute a mortal danger to every Californian. It is our natural right to sever the political bonds with his tyranny and seek new guards for our liberties. Given the military might of the armed forces controlled by Trump it is imperative that we, much like the confederation of...
  • Clinton Stumps for Menendez in NJ [semi-satire]

    09/10/2018 10:48:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is going “all-in” for the reelection of Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) despite the formidable cloud of criminality overhanging the Senator. Late last year his bribery trial resulted in a hung jury. Clinton will speak at a fancy fund-raiser for Menendez in October. “I feel we are kindred spirits,” Clinton said. “Both of us have been unfairly criticized for our politics. The whole corruption case against Bob for the special favors he did for a constituent sought to punish him for behavior that is typically overlooked. Should a constituent be denied a senator’s services merely...
  • Obama Claims Credit for Economic Boom [semi-satire]

    09/09/2018 10:23:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    As we move closer to the mid-term election day, the stream of favorable economic news following the Republican tax cuts and President Trump's moves toward deregulation has spurred former President Obama to step forward to try to make the case that his policies were the real source of the current boom. In a speech at the University of Illinois, Obama attempted to persuade people that "the credit for the prosperity that is breaking out today truly belongs to me. The GOP tax cuts wouldn't have been as effective if taxes hadn't been so high during my term. Likewise for the...
  • Abortion the Great Equalizer [semi-satire]

    09/08/2018 3:17:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Former president of Planned Parenthood Gloria Feldt told a Cornell University audience that “abortion gives women an equal seat at life’s table. Putting all of the burden of child-bearing and birthing on women violates the Constitution’s equal protection clause. Abortion is the remedy. Freeing ourselves of the obligations imposed on us by a patriarchal society is the only way we can enjoy the same power that men have monopolized through a discriminatory reproductive system.” Feldt’s remarks mirrored those of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton who also advocated an economic rationale for preserving the court-granted right of reluctant would-be mothers to...
  • Dem Uses Kavanaugh Hearing to Jockey for Position in 2020 [semi-satire]

    09/08/2018 1:52:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Fresh from his preposterous antics in the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on the Kavanaugh nomination to the Supreme Court in which he characterized himself as a "Spartacus fighting against tyranny," Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) brushed aside Wall Street Journal reporter Byron Tau's attempt to ask him a question about it, asserting that "it is unconstitutional for anyone to question me about anything I said in Congress in any other place." Booker's heroic moment came when he made a show of releasing what he called "wrongly classified documents that Republicans are trying to hide from the American people. I know that...
  • Man Who Intentionally Divided Nation For Eight Years Calls For Unity-SATIRE?

    09/07/2018 8:57:19 PM PDT · by fungoking · 23 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 9/7/18 | Staff
    URBANA, IL—In a moving speech delivered Friday, President Barack Obama called for the nation to turn from fear, anger, and resentment, despite having stoked these emotions at every opportunity during his time in office. The man who had carefully stoked divisions and pushed identity politics for a full eight years called the nation to turn away from divisive “politics of resentment” and instead be loving and inclusive. “Common ground exists, I have seen it, I have lived it,” he said, though his presidency was spent turning people on each other and encouraging a culture of victimhood and resentment. “I know...
  • Master Ken Self Defense tips against ANTIFA

    09/07/2018 7:25:49 PM PDT · by Rebelbase · 25 replies
    Liveleak ^ | 9/7/18 | Master Ken
    Quick primer on self defense when ANTIFA gets in your face.Video Here.
  • Senate Democrats Vow To Impotently Shake Fists While Kavanaugh Is Confirmed-SATIRE

    09/06/2018 6:34:25 AM PDT · by fungoking · 10 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 9/5/18 | Staff
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the Senate holds hearings to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh as the next Supreme Court justice, Democrats have come up with a new tactic — the only tactic left to them since Harry Reid “nuked” the filibuster: impotently shaking their fists in disapproval. “We won’t take this lying down,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer vowed. “Nor will we take it while standing. We plan to take it while sitting and shaking our fists. Let the last thing Kavanaugh sees before his lifetime appointment be a number of fists bobbing about, expressing a threat no one here is capable of...
  • Outrage After Obama Outed As White Supremacist-SATIRE

    09/06/2018 6:22:17 AM PDT · by fungoking · 4 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 09/5/18 | Staff
    U.S.—Nationwide fury erupted Wednesday after Barack Obama was outed as a raging white supremacist, as progressive activists uncovered years-old video footage of the former president clearly using the “white power” hand signal during a speech. “What fresh [expletive] is this!!!???” activist Amy Siskind wrote on Twitter, attaching a screen shot of Obama holding his hand in such a manner that the tips of his index finger and thumb were touching, with his middle finger, ring finger, and pinkie pointed upward, positively signaling his allegiance to the ideals of white supremacy. “Take away his Nobel Peace Prize and remove him from...
  • Cuomo Attacks GDP as Measure of Economic Health [semi-satire]

    09/05/2018 9:57:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Sep 2018 | John Semmens
    Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY), anxious to build on the momentum set in motion by his earlier assertion that “America was never that great,” demanded a better measure of the nation's economic health. “I know that the Trump Administration is touting last quarter's 4.2% rise in GDP as a sign that the economy is booming,” the Governor observed. “But is this really the best measure we can come up with? GDP growth never got as high as 3% during the Obama Administration. But can we really say that Americans weren't better off then?” “The problem with GDP is that it is...