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Keyword: satire

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  • Schumer Forbids Second Summit with Putin [semi-satire]

    07/21/2018 7:03:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 July 2018 | John Semmens
    US Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) said he won't allow anymore meetings between President Trump and Russian President Putin "until I have seen a full transcript of their one-on-one private talks and am satisfied that Trump has not committed treason." Even if Schumer's demand were not an egregious overstepping of his limited authority as Senate Minority Leader, its fulfillment is impeded by the fact that the one-on-one talk was not recorded. Nevertheless, Schumer was adamant that "the American people have a right to know what was said. His public statement expressing doubts about our own intelligence community's accuracy regarding...
  • Boomer Longs For Glory Days When America, Russia Nearly Blew Up Entire World (Babylon Bee humor)

    07/17/2018 8:06:39 AM PDT · by gattaca · 9 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | July 16, 2018 | Babylon Bee
    CAPE CORAL, FL—After watching news coverage of a summit held between United States president Donald Trump and Russian president Vladimir Putin, local baby boomer Hank Valentino began to reminisce about the “glory days” when the two nations very nearly destroyed the entire world with nuclear weapons. The man was reportedly disappointed that the summit failed to result in a declaration of war between the two countries. “Back in my day, we threatened to nuke each other into glowing ashes almost constantly, and you know what? We liked it,” he said. “In every movie you watched, the U.S.S.R. was the enemy,...
  • London Mayor Says Trump Wrong to Blame Immigrants for Crime Wave [semi-satire]

    07/16/2018 9:31:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Mayor Sadiq Khan rebuffed US President Donald Trump’s contention that immigrants from Africa and Asia are responsible for rising levels of violent crime in London and other parts of Europe. “The fact that rising numbers of immigrants happen to coincide with rising levels of violence doesn’t prove that the immigrants themselves are the ones responsible,” Khan argued. “Let me point out that the levels of violence in the countries of origin of these immigrants are higher than they are in London. This leads me to think that to a certain extent we are moderating their behavior and reducing the global...
  • Ken Ham Auctions Authentic Photo Of His Great-Great-Grandfather Riding Triceratops

    07/15/2018 4:18:04 PM PDT · by EveningStar · 23 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | July 13, 2017
    PETERSBURG, KY – As part of a fundraiser for his Creation Museum and Ark Encounter theme park, Answers in Genesis CEO Ken Ham is auctioning an original photograph of his great-great-grandfather riding atop a live dinosaur, sources confirmed.
  • [satire] More Protective MAGA Helmets Now Available For Trump Supporters Brave Enough...

    07/15/2018 11:15:24 AM PDT · by Libloather · 46 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 7/11/18
    More Protective MAGA Helmets Now Available For Trump Supporters Brave Enough To Go Out In Public **SNIP** “Want to go to the store in your MAGA hat, but afraid of being assaulted, having water thrown on you, or getting smacked with a baseball bat?” Trump says in a promo video on the website. “The MAGA helmet is for you. I’ve gotta say, I’ve seen lots of tactical helmets in my day. This one’s the best. Tremendous stuff.” The helmets are said to be “almost guaranteed” to protect any Trump supporter from mobs at the local Whole Foods market, Starbucks, or...
  • Dems Assail Court Nominee [semi-satire]

    07/15/2018 10:35:27 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Some opponents of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have latched onto revelations of his heavy spending on Washington Nationals baseball tickets as “the smoking gun” that will derail his appointment. It appears that Kavanaugh maxed out his credit card purchasing the tickets. Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn) called the revelation “very suspicious. Normally, lobbyists provide these kinds of perks to members of government. For Judge Kavanaugh to reach into his own pocket to buy something that others of us obtain gratis from grateful constituents raises a ‘red flag.’ What’s wrong with him that those who routinely pick up these sorts of...
  • Strzok Claims Undermining Trump ‘Patriotic Duty’ [semi-satire]

    07/14/2018 12:51:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Peter Strzok, the FBI agent at the center of the the agency’s conspiracy to torpedo the Trump presidential campaign and the back-up plan to reverse the election outcome, told members of the joint hearing of the House Judiciary Committee and House Oversight and Government Reform Committees “I wasn’t being biased. I was being patriotic.” “Anyone who has carefully read my text messages to Lisa Page cannot refute the clear evidence that Trump is an idiot that poses a severe threat to the safety and happiness of the people of America,” Styrzok maintained. “The stream of derogatory commentary I provided to...
  • Mueller Indicts 12 Russian Spies [semi-satire]

    07/14/2018 12:49:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Desperate to divert attention from the smirking and demonic Peter Strzok, Special Counsel Robert Mueller sent Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein out to announce a second round of indictments of Russians for interfering with the 2016 election. This follows the February indictment of 13 Russian firms that seems to have fizzled. The gist of the charges is that 12 Russian cyber spies penetrated Democratic Party computers via a "phishing" scheme and used this access to obtain and publish confidential Party communications that embarrassed the Democrats. "The scheme was remarkably simple," Rosenstein said. "An email containing the link hillary-clinton-favorable-rating.xlsx was sent...
  • Trump’s Merit-Based University Attendance Policy Assailed [semi-satire]

    07/11/2018 10:25:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 July 2018 | John Semmens
    The Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) issued a statement taking issue with a recent Trump Administration policy reversing an Obama policy pushing racial diversity guidelines. “The Administration’s policy of encouraging universities receiving federal aid to focus solely on merit when deciding which students to admit leaves us deeply concerned,” the statement reads. “The assumption that competence is more important than diversity when determining who will be allowed to practice medicine is a departure from the directive given by the immediately previous administration.” “We don’t deny that that competence should play a role in the process, but it should not...
  • Bill Clinton Laments Double Standards [semi-satire]

    07/10/2018 10:01:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 July 2018 | John Semmens
    In a commentary on what he alleged were the “appalling ethical standards infecting contemporary political discourse,” former President Bill Clinton contrasted his own personal experience with that of Donald Trump, saying that “back then, you couldn’t just tell an outright lie and get away with it. Look, I tried. I lied about my relationship with an intern. I tried to portray her as a nut-job stalker. I even lied under oath. But they still got me. I lost my law license and my good name.” “Compare that with Trump,” Clinton suggested. “Everybody knows he’s the type of person who must...
  • [joke] The REAL reason Justice Kennedy is retiring....

    07/09/2018 7:24:06 PM PDT · by AnalogReigns · 11 replies
    The Wind ^ | July 9, 2016 | unnamed sources!
    The weekend of the first week of May, 2016 Anthony Kennedy told his wife Mary he wanted to go see his old friend Joe Smith in Baltimore, Maryland. Kennedy, who hated using a driver, or Secret Service guards, was determined to drive himself. Mary was concerned--but knew he'd do what he wanted no matter what she said. "OK, honey, don't forget your cell phone, so you can call me in case of emergency," Mary told him. The aged Supreme Court Justice dutifully put his cell phone in his pocket. The day went well, with the journey up I-95 uneventful. After...
  • Israel Accused of Causing Iran's Drought [semi-satire]

    07/09/2018 11:33:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali, head of Iran's Civil Defense Organization, blamed Israel for his country's drought. "If you look at satellite photos you can see that all mountainous areas between Afghanistan and the Mediterranean are covered in snow, except for Iran," he said. "The only logical explanation for such an anomaly is a Zionist conspiracy to attack my country." The General speculated that "it could be some sort of giant fan that is blowing precipitation-bearing clouds away from Iran or an infrared ray that evaporates the snow that should be there. Either way, it's an act of aggression that...
  • DNC Denounces Record Employment [semi-satire]

    07/08/2018 9:55:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 July 2018 | John Semmens
    The Bureau of Labor Statistics’ June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Democratic National Chairman and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, Tom Perez warned voters “to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life.” “Remember, each person pushed into a 40-hour-a-week job has lost at least 40 hours of leisure time,” Perez pointed out. “Is this a trade-off that truly benefits everyone? Most jobs are boring. Many are dangerous. Shouldn’t the goal be to work toward the...
  • Possible Troop Withdrawals Rattle Globalist Lobby [semi-satire]

    07/07/2018 11:29:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 July 2018 | John Semmens
    As of now, there are 60,000 US troops stationed in Europe. Pentagon evaluation of potentially withdrawing “some of them” has the globalist lobby on edge. An article published by McClatchy headlined “European Leaders Worry…” neglected to name a single European leader. Instead, numerous members of the globalist lobby ominously warned of the dire consequences if President Trump follows through with his campaign promise to reduce the US military contingent in Europe. NATO was established in the midst of the Soviet Union’s 1948-49 blockade of Western Berlin. It was meant to deter Soviet military aggression against Western Europe. The Trump Administration...
  • Albright Says "Plenty of Room" for Illegal Immigrants [semi-satire]

    07/06/2018 10:47:03 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Former secretary of state Madeline Albright castigated the Trump Administration's opposition to unconstrained illegal immigration, calling it "undemocratic and essentially similar to what a fascist would do. Treating people differently because of their race or ethnicity is something that Hitler did. If a German like Chancellor Merkel realizes it's wrong to exclude Africans and Asians, then why can't Trump realize it's wrong to exclude Mexicans?" "It's not as if we don't have room for immigrants in America," Albright observed. "Homes in America are much bigger than they were a generation ago. Almost every family has underutilized space—a spare bedroom, a...
  • {Satire} Rejected Seattle Tourism Ad [2018]

    07/06/2018 5:03:01 PM PDT · by llevrok · 15 replies
    YouTube ^ | 7/6/2018
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCloTOCdJSs
  • Studies Find Criminal Behavior Explains Crime Stats [semi-satire]

    07/03/2018 10:04:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Leftist politicians cite the disproportionate ratio of Blacks among the criminal population as “evidence” of racism among law-enforcement personnel. Two recent studies undermine this contention. One study by professors from Michigan State and Arizona State universities– “Is There Evidence of Racial Disparity in Police Use of Deadly Force?”–analyzed officer-involved fatal shootings in 2015 and 2016. This study found that the higher rates of Blacks getting shot by cops matched the higher rates of Blacks engaging in criminal behavior. A second study done by Harvard economist Roland G. Fryer Jr. found that police officers were more reluctant to use deadly force...
  • Bill Clinton Assails Trump [semi-satire]

    07/02/2018 8:23:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Former President Bill Clinton took the occasion of his appearance on The Daily Show to assail President Trump for “pouring poison down the country’s throat.” The issue that inspired Clinton’s reemergence on the political scene was immigration. “It started before he was elected when he criticized the Obama Administration for letting too many criminals into the country,” he said. “Sure, some of these immigrants rape and murder Americans, but not all of them do. And blocking criminals from entering America merely shifts the problem south of the border where law-enforcement is less effective in tracking down and apprehending suspects.” “When...
  • Congresswoman Complains of Harassment [semi-satire]

    07/01/2018 1:05:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 July 2018 | John Semmens
    Earlier this week, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) praised mobs that drove a couple of Trump Administration officials from a restaurant and movie theater. She urged more of this “mob justice,” saying “if you see anybody from that cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd. You push back on them. Tell them they’re not welcome anymore, anywhere!” Now she is claiming to fear for her life after her statement urging crowds to harass Trump and his supporters inspired some Trump supporters to harass her—including a crowd outside her...
  • Dems Bewail ‘Lack of Proper Gay Pride Celebration’ at Pentagon [semi-satire]

    06/30/2018 4:04:36 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 July 2018 | John Semmens
    A letter to Defense Secretary James Mattis from House Armed Services Committee Democrats Reps. Anthony Brown (Md), Robert Brady (Pa), Susan Davis (Calif), Jackie Speier (Calif), Beto O’Rourke (Texas), Donald Norcross (NJ), Ruben Gallego (Ariz) and Salud Carbajal (Calif) chastised the Pentagon for its “lack of a proper gay pride celebration.” Annual homosexual pride celebrations at the Pentagon started in 2011 during the Obama Administration after the president abolished the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy toward homosexuals in the military that had existed since Clinton era. This year’s homosexual pride event lacked participation by top level brass. Only Army Sgt....