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Clinton Jokes
Late Night Jokes ^

Posted on 05/22/2002 10:39:20 AM PDT by My Identity

Senator Hillary Clinton has gained about 30 pounds since being in office. President Clinton says he doesn’t mind - because this way he can hear her coming.
- Conan, May 21

Do you have Star-Wars fever? It’s one of those things where you try to hold back then when it gets here you can’t help yourself. Here’s an example, President Clinton has Star-Wars fever, he was up at his house in Chappaqua and was using the force on an intern.
- Letterman, May 21

Democrats are upset with the Republicans for selling a photo of President Bush on Sept. 11 that shows him on the telephone. For $150 you can buy this picture of President Bush on the telephone. To be fair, though, the Democrats are selling a picture of Bill Clinton on an intern.
- Letterman, May 17

I drove by one theater today and "Star Wars" was playing and all the people in line were dressed up like Star Wars characters. Then I drove by another theater where "Spider-Man" was playing and the people were dressed up like Spider-Man. Then I drove by the theater where "Unfaithful" was playing and the people were dressed like Bill Clinton.
- Kilborn, May 17

There was talk earlier this week of Hillary Clinton running for vice president. I didn't know you could run for vice president. But they say if it can be done, Hillary will do it. So she's been denying it - doesn't it make you feel good again to know that a Clinton is denying something?
- Letterman, May 16

Since Hillary has become senator she has gained over 30 pounds! That's just what Bill needs - more wife!
- Letterman, May 16

Thirty pounds she's gained. Of course, Bill keeps in shape by working out on interns.
- Letterman, May 16

Despite all his book deals and speaking engagements, Bill Clinton still hasn’t paid off all his legal fees. He owes over $4 million! Clinton's lawyer Bill Bennett said, "We had an agreement and he has an obligation and commitment to pay." Hillary replied, "Good luck! Let me know how that works out!"
- Leno, May 15

We have a senator here in New York - how many of you remember Hillary Clinton? Well, she's been under a lot of stress, she's put on 30 pounds. She's put on so much weight that Bill hit on her!
- Letterman, May 15


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS:
Enjoy
1 posted on 05/22/2002 10:39:20 AM PDT by My Identity
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To: My Identity
Senator Ted Kennedy is holding hearings this week in the Senate subcommittee on Public Health to search for answers to the obesity epidemic sweeping America. It's all really so sad. Bill Clinton doesn't have a legacy and Monica Lewinsky does.
- Argus Hamilton, May 22

Hillary Clinton took the Senate floor and held up a New York Post with a headline saying Bush Knew. The experiment worked. She proved that as long as her husband is in East Timor she's got the political instincts of an Acapulco cliff diver at low tide.
- Argus Hamilton, May 22
2 posted on 05/22/2002 10:45:03 AM PDT by My Identity
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To: My Identity
President Clinton has Star-Wars fever, he was up at his house in Chappaqua and was using the force on an intern.

This one's marginally funny. Clintoon sure used The Force on Juanita Broaddrick.

3 posted on 05/22/2002 10:45:48 AM PDT by martin_fierro
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To: My Identity
Ba da bing bump
4 posted on 05/22/2002 10:47:40 AM PDT by Samwise
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To: My Identity
The most wonderful thing about these jokes is not that they are funny but that they define Willie's legacy. In 50 years, when people look back and say, "What was Clinton like, as a person?", these jokes, his disbarment and the Transcripts of the Special Prosecutor will say it ALL. In his favor? Only the fact that we had poor researchers and criminal investigators. They will unable to PROVE that Willie was a criminal. The record proves that he was less than honest and had NO integrity. His legacy will also be defined by the folks who speak for him, Begala, Rich, McCaulife, Emanuel, Davis and so on, right down into the sewer. Enjoy these jokes for what they really are!
5 posted on 05/22/2002 10:48:30 AM PDT by Tacis
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To: My Identity
Hillary Clinton downplayed reports Monday she is favored among Democrats for vice president in 2004. Her character would be a definite plus. For eight years, she was the only woman in Washington who was not romantically linked to the president.
- Argus Hamilton, May 17
6 posted on 05/22/2002 10:49:28 AM PDT by My Identity
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Comment #7 Removed by Moderator

To: My Identity
The worst foursome in golf.

O.J.
Monika
Ted Kennedy
Bill Clinton

O.J. is a slicer
Monika is a hooker
Ted can't drive over water
And Bill can't remember the last hole he was on.

8 posted on 05/22/2002 12:04:30 PM PDT by tractorman
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To: My Identity
The worst foursome in golf.

O.J.
Monika
Ted Kennedy
Bill Clinton

O.J. is a slicer
Monika is a hooker
Ted can't drive over water
And Bill can't remember the last hole he was on.

9 posted on 05/22/2002 12:06:48 PM PDT by tractorman
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To: My Identity
Satan: Why so glum?
Clinton: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Clinton: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Clinton: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Clinton: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Clinton: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Clinton: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?
Clinton: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Clinton: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Clinton: No...
Satan: (grimaces) Oooooooh... You're gonna hate Fridays.
10 posted on 05/22/2002 12:07:00 PM PDT by Harrison Bergeron
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To: My Identity
What do you get when you stand Hillary Clinton on her head?

A brunette with really bad breath.
11 posted on 05/22/2002 12:12:11 PM PDT by LetsRok
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To: My Identity
Here's a joke: Bill Clinton.

Ha ha ha, Oh I can't stop. Ha ha ha.

12 posted on 05/22/2002 12:12:23 PM PDT by stevio
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Comment #13 Removed by Moderator

To: matamoros
Excuse me. Wouldn't Hildebeast, suckin' on a straw, be more to the point? {PUN INTENDED!!!}
14 posted on 05/22/2002 12:29:10 PM PDT by Young Werther
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To: My Identity
Ah say, many pundits wonder just what my legacy is is, well ah'll tell ya - Ah mistakenly thought harass was two words.
Bill Clinton, wheneva
15 posted on 05/22/2002 12:33:44 PM PDT by Quilla
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To: matamoros
scary
16 posted on 05/22/2002 12:37:59 PM PDT by My Identity
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To: Young Werther
Also she looks like a Dope Head on a Rope that needs to have it around her Neck and PULLED Hard over a CLIFF.
17 posted on 05/22/2002 12:40:07 PM PDT by Wave Rider
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To: My Identity
I know of four: Bill, Hillary!!, Chelsea, and Roger.

OK, maybe not Chelsea.......

18 posted on 05/22/2002 12:46:23 PM PDT by tracer
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To: My Identity
And the one thing someone can say about Clintoon that will have me rolling on the floor in hysterics?

CLINTON WAS A GREAT PRESIDENT!

19 posted on 05/22/2002 12:50:26 PM PDT by Tennessee_Bob
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Comment #20 Removed by Moderator

To: Harrison Bergeron
LOL!!! That was great. Copied and sent to all my E-mail buddies.
21 posted on 05/22/2002 12:59:54 PM PDT by mc5cents
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To: matamoros
bttt
22 posted on 05/22/2002 1:05:17 PM PDT by timestax
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To: My Identity
What was that about 30 lbs.?


23 posted on 05/22/2002 1:16:58 PM PDT by let freedom sing
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To: My Identity

24 posted on 05/22/2002 1:18:52 PM PDT by Jack Bull
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Comment #25 Removed by Moderator

To: Harrison Bergeron
Man, I love Clinton in Hell jokes.
26 posted on 05/22/2002 1:28:31 PM PDT by TC Rider
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To: matamoros
It appears to me that little willy was very happy to see Walter Cronkite. You know his posture had nothing to do with the other person in the photo.
27 posted on 05/22/2002 1:28:51 PM PDT by EODGUY
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To: My Identity
Bump.
28 posted on 05/22/2002 1:33:10 PM PDT by Junior
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Comment #29 Removed by Moderator

To: My Identity
Flashback-----NOVEMBER 11 2001-----This I saved from somewhere.Just a Reminder!:^)

"Done arguing"

The resignation of former President Bill Clinton late last week from the Supreme Court bar — on the final day the high court allowed for defense of a disbarment measure issued in early October — is being hailed by the Southeastern Legal Foundation (SLF).
It was the SLF that filed the first formal complaint with the Arkansas Supreme Court committee on attorney ethics in 1998. It calls Mr. Clinton's decision to resign from the bar the "inevitable conclusion for any attorney who admits to lying under oath and obstructing justice."
Phil Kent, president of the SLF, tells us that Mr. Clinton now is ensured a "place in legal history as the only sitting U.S. president to face disbarment charges, and only the second U.S. president to lose his law license."
Richard M. Nixon lost his license to practice law after he left office.
"When you can't practice law before the U.S. Supreme Court, that makes rehabilitation in any jurisdiction a practical impossibility,"
says Mr. Kent.

And that's no Joke.

30 posted on 05/22/2002 3:59:43 PM PDT by Pagey
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To: let freedom sing
o my gawd! piano legs!
31 posted on 05/22/2002 4:27:05 PM PDT by pankot
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To: pankot
o my gawd! piano legs!

when was the last time you actually saw a pianos' legs, unless you were looking at a sqaure grand? LOL

32 posted on 05/22/2002 4:34:28 PM PDT by let freedom sing
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To: My Identity
She proved that as long as her husband is in East Timor she's got the political instincts of an Acapulco cliff diver at low tide.

I love it. Best of the lot.

33 posted on 05/22/2002 4:45:50 PM PDT by Quix
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To: Wave Rider
Hell if thats as big as it gets he mite as well jump over the side and let the Sharks get a Meal of Worthless Sh*t.
34 posted on 05/22/2002 4:59:49 PM PDT by Wave Rider
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To: matamoros
Who's the woman in your number 1?
35 posted on 05/22/2002 5:03:41 PM PDT by My Identity
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To: matamoros
Me too.
Satan's going to be real bad after Bubba teaches him some tricks.

He'll be pissed when Bubba brings his sister back.

36 posted on 05/22/2002 6:03:24 PM PDT by TC Rider
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To: matamoros
Heyyyyyy,what the hell does he have in there? A Refugee Shrimper and his Family?
37 posted on 05/22/2002 6:40:02 PM PDT by Pagey
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To: My Identity
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker:
"Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land."
38 posted on 05/22/2002 7:09:31 PM PDT by My Identity
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To: matamoros; TC Rider
Bill Goes To Heaven

At the Pearly Gates of Heaven...
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the
United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins.
What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana,
but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.
There were inappropriate extramarital relationships,
but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have 'sexual relations.'
And I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate,
but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know,
it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly,
and declares, "Okay, here's the deal.
We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'.
You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity'.
And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope,
just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
39 posted on 05/22/2002 7:15:50 PM PDT by My Identity
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To: My Identity
White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on; several VIP's were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask about the President's personal business. Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."
40 posted on 05/22/2002 7:17:36 PM PDT by My Identity
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To: let freedom sing
Re post #23 demonstating clearly the origin of Hillary's black pantsuit:

Ah yes Hillary, lovely Hillary, brilliant Hillary, honest Hillary, caring Hillary...

Gag, retch, vomit...Oops, sorry.. I was getting glazed eyed robotized by hypnosis from the mass media winged monkeys. Now where was I?

Ah yes Hillary, that tree trunk legged, encrusted black pant suited, paradigm of all that is American lawyerhood, wife of disbarred "husband" Bill, terminally narcissistic, grandiose, lying, conspiring, greedy, manipulative, hypocritical to an extreme, eternally unindicted criminal. .

41 posted on 05/22/2002 7:26:50 PM PDT by friendly
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To: My Identity
Hey! What are y'all squaking about?
She don't have big ankles!


42 posted on 05/22/2002 7:46:07 PM PDT by Slyfox
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To: mc5cents
bttt
43 posted on 05/22/2002 8:48:17 PM PDT by timestax
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Comment #44 Removed by Moderator

To: all
Does anyone have that picture of Hillary's head on a monkey's body, hanging by its arms?
45 posted on 05/23/2002 5:00:15 AM PDT by Steve1789
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Comment #46 Removed by Moderator

To: matamoros
Yes, thanks. It's exceptionally well done, and one of my favorites. Cracks me up every time.
47 posted on 05/23/2002 9:59:54 AM PDT by Steve1789
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Comment #48 Removed by Moderator

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