Clinton Jokes

Late Night Jokes ^

[My Identity]

Senator Hillary Clinton has gained about 30 pounds since being in office. President Clinton says he doesn’t mind - because this way he can hear her coming.
- Conan, May 21

Do you have Star-Wars fever? It’s one of those things where you try to hold back then when it gets here you can’t help yourself. Here’s an example, President Clinton has Star-Wars fever, he was up at his house in Chappaqua and was using the force on an intern.
- Letterman, May 21

Democrats are upset with the Republicans for selling a photo of President Bush on Sept. 11 that shows him on the telephone. For $150 you can buy this picture of President Bush on the telephone. To be fair, though, the Democrats are selling a picture of Bill Clinton on an intern.
- Letterman, May 17

I drove by one theater today and "Star Wars" was playing and all the people in line were dressed up like Star Wars characters. Then I drove by another theater where "Spider-Man" was playing and the people were dressed up like Spider-Man. Then I drove by the theater where "Unfaithful" was playing and the people were dressed like Bill Clinton.
- Kilborn, May 17

There was talk earlier this week of Hillary Clinton running for vice president. I didn't know you could run for vice president. But they say if it can be done, Hillary will do it. So she's been denying it - doesn't it make you feel good again to know that a Clinton is denying something?
- Letterman, May 16

Since Hillary has become senator she has gained over 30 pounds! That's just what Bill needs - more wife!
- Letterman, May 16

Thirty pounds she's gained. Of course, Bill keeps in shape by working out on interns.
- Letterman, May 16

Despite all his book deals and speaking engagements, Bill Clinton still hasn’t paid off all his legal fees. He owes over $4 million! Clinton's lawyer Bill Bennett said, "We had an agreement and he has an obligation and commitment to pay." Hillary replied, "Good luck! Let me know how that works out!"
- Leno, May 15

We have a senator here in New York - how many of you remember Hillary Clinton? Well, she's been under a lot of stress, she's put on 30 pounds. She's put on so much weight that Bill hit on her!
- Letterman, May 15

[My Identity]

Enjoy

[My Identity]

Senator Ted Kennedy is holding hearings this week in the Senate subcommittee on Public Health to search for answers to the obesity epidemic sweeping America. It's all really so sad. Bill Clinton doesn't have a legacy and Monica Lewinsky does.
- Argus Hamilton, May 22

Hillary Clinton took the Senate floor and held up a New York Post with a headline saying Bush Knew. The experiment worked. She proved that as long as her husband is in East Timor she's got the political instincts of an Acapulco cliff diver at low tide.
- Argus Hamilton, May 22

[martin_fierro]

President Clinton has Star-Wars fever, he was up at his house in Chappaqua and was using the force on an intern.

This one's marginally funny. Clintoon sure used The Force on Juanita Broaddrick.

[Samwise]

Ba da bing bump

[Tacis]

The most wonderful thing about these jokes is not that they are funny but that they define Willie's legacy. In 50 years, when people look back and say, "What was Clinton like, as a person?", these jokes, his disbarment and the Transcripts of the Special Prosecutor will say it ALL. In his favor? Only the fact that we had poor researchers and criminal investigators. They will unable to PROVE that Willie was a criminal. The record proves that he was less than honest and had NO integrity. His legacy will also be defined by the folks who speak for him, Begala, Rich, McCaulife, Emanuel, Davis and so on, right down into the sewer. Enjoy these jokes for what they really are!

[My Identity]

Hillary Clinton downplayed reports Monday she is favored among Democrats for vice president in 2004. Her character would be a definite plus. For eight years, she was the only woman in Washington who was not romantically linked to the president.
- Argus Hamilton, May 17

[tractorman]

The worst foursome in golf.

O.J.
Monika
Ted Kennedy
Bill Clinton

O.J. is a slicer
Monika is a hooker
Ted can't drive over water
And Bill can't remember the last hole he was on.

[tractorman]

The worst foursome in golf.

O.J.
Monika
Ted Kennedy
Bill Clinton

O.J. is a slicer
Monika is a hooker
Ted can't drive over water
And Bill can't remember the last hole he was on.

[Harrison Bergeron]

Satan: Why so glum?
Clinton: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Clinton: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Clinton: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Clinton: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Clinton: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Clinton: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?
Clinton: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Clinton: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Clinton: No...
Satan: (grimaces) Oooooooh... You're gonna hate Fridays.

[LetsRok]

What do you get when you stand Hillary Clinton on her head?

A brunette with really bad breath.

[stevio]

Here's a joke: Bill Clinton.

Ha ha ha, Oh I can't stop. Ha ha ha.

[Young Werther]

Excuse me. Wouldn't Hildebeast, suckin' on a straw, be more to the point? {PUN INTENDED!!!}

[Quilla]

Ah say, many pundits wonder just what my legacy is is, well ah'll tell ya - Ah mistakenly thought harass was two words.
Bill Clinton, wheneva

[My Identity]

scary

[Wave Rider]

Also she looks like a Dope Head on a Rope that needs to have it around her Neck and PULLED Hard over a CLIFF.

[tracer]

I know of four: Bill, Hillary!!, Chelsea, and Roger.

OK, maybe not Chelsea.......

[Tennessee_Bob]

And the one thing someone can say about Clintoon that will have me rolling on the floor in hysterics?

CLINTON WAS A GREAT PRESIDENT!