Posted on 04/17/2003 8:59:03 PM PDT by LibertyGrrrl
The speech I want to hear
This is the speech from President George W. Bush that we are all waiting to hear:
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. Saddam is long dead. Those responsible for war crimes are being tried in the world court. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable. The oil from Iraq is generating enough wealth to provide food, water, shelter and education to all Iraqi people at no expense to them, forever.
Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. Please join in welcoming home our brave soldiers, sailors, and air force men and women.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists: List 1 contains the names of countries that have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. On List 1 are the United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland and a few other, smaller but bold nations.
List 2 contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on List 2. The White House press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign and military aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
We are serving notice that we have fulfilled our obligations to the world. The American people are no longer going to pour money and the lives of our brave military into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. In the next two years, together with Congress, I will work to re-direct the money we have spent on other nations towards solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Put on your beret and call France.
I am also ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. You've been fighting for 4,000 years. Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need some military help? Pick up a beer stein and call Germany or hide your dogs and call North Korea. Oh, and our message to Saudi Arabia and all their OPEC'er friends is this: We'll offer you $10 a barrel for your oil. I know, that's $25 per barrel less than you are charging now, but take it or leave it. It might take us a couple of years to ramp-up production in Alaska, and some caribou may need to be relocated (along with some Greenpeace terrorists), but it can be done.
On that note, a word to other terrorist organizations: Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your current and future relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Grab your chopsticks and go after China. Itching to have your tribe removed from the global gene pool? Want to see 72 virgins? Well, you are gonna see our howitzers and tomahawks, first. Go ahead, launch another jihad against us...
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say: It seems that everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jews during the 1930's and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority, listen up: Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the hundreds of UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. And, as of next week, the UN building, which we own and fund, is now a homeless shelter. Fuggetabowdit...I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other as we focus on our country, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. Opening our borders is not the solution to Mexico's problems. The US will soon have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around with lots of desert experience. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your own oil to pay your own bills.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now. With all of the money Americans will have from our massive tax cuts, they can afford to pay a couple more dollars for Their widgets to have them made in the good old US of A.
It is time for the U.S. to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: If you can play that word in Scrabble, then do it as soon as your turn comes round. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to pay our military personnel, teachers, police and firemen what they deserve for preserving our lives. Maybe this will shut the pie holes of those clueless soccer moms who still believe Al Gore won the last election. Come to think of it, it is also time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.
We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for its isolationist destiny and the good of those who contribute positively to our society. We are asking, to paraphrase John F. Kennedy, for all Americans to "do something for their country." If young Americans are willing to contribute two years of military service, we will train them and pay for four years of college after their service is complete. If all Americans over the age of 25 volunteered 10 hours per month of service to their school system, government, city, or community-we will forgive the taxes on 10% of their income. No problems. Seems like a fair trade to me and an investment we should all make.
In that vein, it is time that we stop creating more complex government regulations to serve special interest groups and that harm the common man. It is time we went to a flat, standard income tax with a tax form that can be completed on a postcard. No matter what you earn, if you are a person or a corporation, the tax rate is 15%. If you earn it, you pay it. The only deductions are if you provide the community service I mentioned before. What most Americans need to know is that, with a flat 15% tax rate, both the people of America and the government of this great country will keep and receive more money than under the current system. Everyone wins, lawyers and accountants included, when we make things simpler.
I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first actions that that august body should take as we move in a new direction. I have asked the Supreme Court to make certain that our civil liberties and rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are divided equally across our great nation-and not reserved for specific groups based on wealth, gender, race, creed or religion. So long as there are all-women organizations existing in this country, Augusta National can do what they want. Deal with it, Oprah.
Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about takin' one of those cruises up to Alaska. We've heard they are pretty relaxing.
Personally, I couldn't care less who gets elected in 2004 because I trust the American people to do the right thing. Americans may choose to throw a little fascism into the mix and elect Senator Hilary Clinton. She can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet; Al Gore to her State Department; and her husband as Vice President. If that's what Americans really want, I'm sure it will happen. But if you ask me, Colin Powell would make a great President.
Oh, I almost forgot what started this all: To Osama bin Laden and all of the people living on the Afghan-Pakistan border downwind from the GPS coordinates displayed at the bottom of your television screen: That whistling sound you are hearing is nuke-u-lar in nature...when you lay down with dogs...you get up glowing.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: Drop dead.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks, guys. We owe you, and we won't forget. Come visit anytime.
To the American people who have long deserved this opportunity, God Bless you, and God Bless the United States of America.
Thank you and good night.
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