Devil Worshippers Take Their Message Door-To-Door!

Weekly World News ^ | May 20, 2003 | Deke Stinson

[Dajjal]

http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/news/index.cfm?instanceid=58057

DEVIL WORSHIPPERS TAKE THEIR MESSAGE DOOR-TO-DOOR!
Meet the Satan's Witnesses

By Deke Stinson

WASHINGTON -- If you think Jehovah's Witnesses are pesky when they show up on your doorstep to share the gospel on a Saturday afternoon, just wait until you open your home to a gang of drug- and sex-crazed Devil worshipers trying to sell you on the advantages of giving your life and soul to Satan!

"If you haven't met Satan's Witnesses yet, you will -- soon," cult expert and police consultant David Birnbaum told reporters after giving a seminar in Nashville.

"This is an extremely aggressive group of individuals, and as I have warned police departments nationwide, to simply write them off as kooks is the wrong thing to do.

"Ask anyone who has opened his heart and home in answer to a gentle rapping at the door only to be confronted with scenes of shrieking Satanic horror -- from the decapitation of chickens, puppies and kittens to near unimaginable acts of sexual perversion ... all happening right there on the doorstep.

"Satan's Witnesses are extremely well versed in the arts of shock and terror. But police are virtually powerless to stop them because they hide behind the protections our laws provide for all religions -- and like it or not -- Satanism is a religion.

"It is a perversion of the law, yes. But you have to remember, these are perverted people."

Frail, white-haired Mary Jane Johansen, 82, of Washington, D.C., can vouch for that. She tremblingly recalls the night Satan's Witnesses came calling at her house.

And she says she might never recover.

"I had been sleeping but woke up when I heard glass breaking on my front porch," she said. "I cracked open the door and asked, 'Who's there? What do you want? It's late!'

"That must have been the wrong thing to say because they started cursing and laughing and taking the Lord's name in vain. They called me a 'stupid @#$!%" so loud all the neighbors could hear.

"Then they pushed the door wide open and there were at least 10 of them -- men, women and children -- and some of them didn't have on a stitch of clothes. They must have been 'on' something because they came in my house like they owned it."

Find out what they look like and steps you can take to protect yourself from these pesky and dangerous religious fanatics in the current 5/27/03 "Newsstand Issue" of WEEKLY WORLD NEWS on sale now!

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[Dajjal]

ping

[Loyalist]

You believe a Weekly World News story?

This is the same outfit which runs front-page stories on Elvis being sighted in a UFO carrying Hitler's brain inside a jar in fulfillment of a Nostradamus prophecy!

That crew has even less credibility than the National Catholic Reporter!

[Telit Likitis]

Really??

[HowlinglyMind-BendingAbsurdity]

At first it seemed like this had to be The Onion. Then it hit me it was The Weekly World News. Really had me for a few seconds. And that's the real trick now, isn't it? Things are so depraved throughout what was once "Western civilization" it's hard to tell reality from the spoof and satire anymore. It is a joke, right?

[TradicalRC]

Does it mention the particular denomination?

I knew a guy in college that was brought up in the First Satanic Church of Luciferian Brethren, California Synod, but became heavily involved with the Methodist Unitarian Church. His parents blamed it on the music he was listening to; mostly Michael Bolton and Amy Grant though, nothing really hardcore.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

'SCREAMING HOUSEPLANT SAVED MY LIFE!'

This beats meat bearing Satanic Witnesses anyday.

[Dajjal]

His parents blamed it on the music he was listening to; mostly Michael Bolton and Amy Grant though, nothing really hardcore.

LOL!!!

[Recovering_Democrat]

They gather and worship in packs of NINE.

There's a roving pack across the nation now, they go by these "noms":
1. Blowhard Dean
2. Lurch Kerry
3. Johnny Ambulance Chaser Edwards
4. Al Shoutin' Sharpton
5. Bobbed Grayed Ham
6. Denny Kook-Niche
7. Little DICK Gephard
8. Carol Mostly-Fraud
9. Joe LIARman

[Dajjal]

Hitler's brain inside a jar