WASHINGTON, D.C.- Contrary to first impressions based on the sound of his name, Bradley Buckles is not a character from the Strawberry Shortcake universe, nor is he in anyway connected with the Dressy Bessy apparel education franchise. On Thursday this former head of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms was tapped to run the anti-piracy wing of the the RIAA.
The Buckles appointment is a clear signal that the Association now believes that bulk litigation will not be enough to stem the tide of music piracy. Buckles himself indicated that his group would move from a "get tough" approach to something more akin to "get medieval."
When most people think of the ATF, images of the unfortunate standoff in Waco, Texas spring to mind. However, Buckles is quick to remind people that, although he spent more than a quarter century with the agency, he was not named its head until 1999. "I was just middle management back then," explained Buckles. "I didn't issue the order to burn the place down, I just passed it along and then picked off a few stragglers as they tried to escape."
In spite of the controversy surrounding the move, RIAA executives continue to defend Buckles' preceding reputation. "Brad had nothing to do with that," said RIAA chief Mitch Bainwol. "We're just saying that if a few computers containing illegal MP3's explode killing everyone in the immediate vicinity it would be a real shame."
Having spent his entire working life at the ATF, Buckles says he felt the urge to leave after the jurisdictional shakeup during the formation of the Department of Homeland Security. "Now there's just so much bureaucracy and paperwork, it's crazy," said Buckles. "We were spontaneous back in the early 1990's. In the old days, we could get a bunch of guys together on a lark, snag some weapons and a couple cases of beer and then corner a survivalist in his mountain hideaway and murder his family. Good times."
"File sharing is a serious problem in this country, and it deserves a serious man to combat it," said Bainwol. "If it takes bulldozing someone's home and setting fire to their children, well, that's something they chose for themselves."
On a related note, RIAA agents have surrounded a small apartment building in Paramus, New Jersey, where officials believe a large number of copyrighted songs are being downloaded. A representative agreed to meet with the RIAA in hopes of negotiating a deal of some kind, but sources at the scene say this person had an unfortunate accident some time later and was unable to continue talks.
"This is just a perfect fit for us," said Bainwol. "Although I must admit that the inspiration wasn't mine. I got the idea while surfing the web a few months ago. I'm pretty sure they were kidding, but what the hell. A good idea is a good idea."
Bainwol denied persistent rumors that Buckles is some kind of deranged psychopath, that he his home features lampshades made from the skin of his enemies, and that he is sexually aroused by the sound of crunching human bones.
"I don't know how people get ideas like that," complained Bainwol. "Besides, it's burning flesh that turns him on, not crunching bones. I mean, come on."
As of press time, the apartment building in Paramus is now burning uncontrollably. Witnesses say a few people managed to break free of the flaming wreckage but tripped on debris and fell on a pile of bullets. Although the initial explosion and fireball indicated the use of C-4, the official version of events states that the downloaders set the fire themselves.
Investigators say they welcome other opinions on what happened and have promised to rummage through the smoking shell tomorrow in hopes of interviewing one.
