Inmate charged in Pennsylvania spork attack (ban assault sporks!)

The Dominion Post ^ | 1/22/04 | AP

[the_devils_advocate_666]

SOMERSET, Pa. (AP) -- A state prison inmate is charged with attempted homicide for allegedly attacking a prison guard with a sharpened plastic eating utensil known as a spork.

State police this week charged Steven Cave, 22, who is serving a five- to 10-year sentence for robbery, for the Dec. 18 attack at the State Correctional Institution-Somerset.

A corrections officer told police the trouble began when Cave threw a container of urine at him while he was serving meals in the restricted housing unit where Cave was being held. After the meal, Cave then refused to return his tray and spork -- a spoon with tines -- to the guard, police said.

When guards went into Cave's cell to retrieve the utensil, they found he had sharpened a point at the end of it. Police said he tried to attack one of the guards with it.

Besides attempted homicide, Cave faces aggravated assault and other charges.

Cave has yet to be arraigned on the charges. It was not immediately clear if he has an attorney.

[the_devils_advocate_666]

He was armed with a spork!

[Still Thinking]

Sounds like some kind of wierd extra terrestrial animal on Star Trek.

[evets]

It has many uses.

[xJones]

He tried to stick a spork in him....That 22 year-old must like prison. He was in for 5-10 years, but it's going to take longer now.

[DemWatch]

He should have been executed right after he threw the urine container.

[MDspinboyredux]

Oh crap! If we ban sporks, then how do we know if we got a pre-ban or post-ban spork?

Will the 'handi-wipe' accessory be illegal on the post-ban? Will all post-ban sporks have a 'tine-capacity' of three, lest you allow criminals the ability to 'spork from the hip' with high-capacity 4 tine sporks?

My God! We got to get them out of the schools and out of the hands of the children!

/puts down the caffiene-laden coffee

[the_devils_advocate_666]

Sample Persuasive Speech Outline

---

STUDENT'S NAME: Matt Walton
SPEECH #4
TOPIC: Sporks
GENERAL PURPOSE: To Persuade
SPECIFIC PURPOSES: To persuade the audience about the importance of sporks, by informing them about spork uses, history and what exactly a spork is.
CENTRAL IDEA: Sporks are the greatest eating utensil in the world..

SUPPORTING MATERIALS:

1. Sources:
   1. The Slightly Less Than Official Spork Page. 16 Oct. 2001 <http://www.spork.org/>.
   2. Kita (Taco Bell Employee). Personal Interview. 16 Oct. 2001.
   3. Mike (KFC Employee). Personal Interview. 16 Oct. 2001.
2. Visual Aids: Poster, sporks

Outline

1. Introduction
   1. Attention Getting Device: Imagine you have your girlfriend over for dinner and you are eating soup. Then for dessert you pull out chocolate cake. You then realize all you have is spoons from the soup and no fork to eat the cake. You end up looking like a complete idiot and your date walks out on you. How do you prevent this from happening again? There's a simple one word answer -- the SPORK!
   2. Preview Statement: That's right, a spork. Sporks have many different uses, with an extensive history. Today I'm going to tell you exactly why we need sporks and where to get them. For those of you who don't know what a spork is, this is an extensive diagram. (Show picture)
2. Body
   1. What is a spork? It's not quite a spoon and not quite a fork.
      1. It is a blend of the two. It is rounded like a spoon with a shallow area to hold liquids, while it often has three or four prongs on the end that work like a fork.
      2. A spork is not to be confused with a foon. A foon is the inverse of the spork. One can turn a spork into a foon through a process known as fooning.
         1. Fooning is done by placing your thumb on the bottom of the spork and gently pressing inward until it is a foon.
         2. This takes many practices because it will break the first few times.
   2. Need - As I said often a problem arises when you are eating something like meat or vegetables and then when the dessert is ice cream, you can't use the fork.
   3. Satisfaction - That is where the spork is the perfect solution. It can do the function of both a fork and a spoon, enabling you to switch from course to course.
   4. History
      1. There are many different theories on the origin of the spork.
         1. The first is that the spork is God's divine creation. Because of its perfection, some say that it can only be the work of God.
         2. Others say it was invented by the Van Brode Milling Company who patented it in 1970.
      2. There are many types of sporks, not just plastic. There are metal sporks, wooden sporks and even soft rubber sporks.
   5. Spork Uses
      1. Mike at KFC informed me that they use sporks because the fork part is good for the chicken and some vegetables while the spoon part is ideal for the mashed potatoes.
      2. Kita wasn't sure why Taco Bell uses sporks but she said they were soon getting rid of them and would be using regular forks. I don't know what's wrong with the people at Taco Bell.
      3. There are other uses for the spork other than being the perfect eating utensil.
         1. key chains
         2. hang from rear view mirrors
         3. Christmas tree ornaments
         4. pooper scooper
         5. self defense
         6. tooth picker
         7. earrings
         8. weapons for countries who can't afford guns
         9. spoilers for cars
         10. acupuncture therapy
         11. survival tool
         12. make good gifts and party favors
         13. swimming pool toys
         14. dissection tools
         15. nose picker
         16. comb
         17. Sporkinator (action figure)
   6. Visualization - So imagine the situation I described earlier. If you would have had a spork, the date would have stayed for dessert and then after that, well that's a totally different speech topic.
3. Conclusion
   1. Summary: So as you can see sporks are the world's perfect creation. You can eat anything with a spork and use them for much, much more.
   2. Concluding Device: Action - So to find out more about sporks, go to the Less Than Official Spork Page which is at http://www.spork.org. Also, I challenge you to get your own sporks.
      1. To make your own sporks, take a spoon of your preferred material and cut three triangular shapes in the top.
      2. Or you can get your very own spork at KFC or Taco Bell. Then just set them at your table and you will be high class.

[reagan_fanatic]

Spork© - The other white utensil.

[pettifogger]

It's not a spork, it's a foon.

[Consort]

Swiss sporks are the best.

[evets]

Ah yes. The sporkinator!

[onedoug]

It's not a spork. It's a fpoon.

[Redcoat LI]

It's only an assault spork if it has a bayonet lug,flash suppressor and pistol grip.

[JSteff]

I know everyone is just having fun with this but sporks/foons can be sharpened. Burn them till the melt and twist them into more of a rod shape. While it is still hot put it in water which hards them.
Then sharpen it on concrete, with sand paper, whatever.

They go from being soft plastic eating utensils into hard little stabbing knives. A friend who was a guard in a prison said he was always amazed at what they could turn into weapons.

[CaptRon]

LOL!

[Old Professer]

They ought to put this guy in jail.

[pabianice]

BOSTON, MA... State Senator Cheryl Jacques (D-Needham) today introduced a bill outlawing sporks in the state. "How much longer must this senseless epidemic of spork violence continue?" she asked a packed room of reporters. "If it saves just one child..."...

[archy]

Fascinating. Exactly which part was sharpened...?