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Six Flags over Hell (HUMOR)

Posted on 02/02/2004 3:49:56 PM PST by SandRat

WARNING! Do not have any liquids in your hands or in your mouth when reading!

May cause extreme damage to your dignity and keyboard!

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam.

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do ...

Do Not Go!!!

I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot ... but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat.

At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less pay per year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: flight; military; navy; pilots; veterans
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Got this in and email and couldn't pass up sharing it. May be an oldie but it's still hillarious.
1 posted on 02/02/2004 3:49:57 PM PST by SandRat
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To: SandRat; Aeronaut
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

ROTFL! - I would go though.... even if I had to see the milk duds from sixth grade again.

Aviation ping.

2 posted on 02/02/2004 3:52:36 PM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: Ragtime Cowgirl
You need a laugh break.
3 posted on 02/02/2004 3:59:00 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat
FUNNY!

thanks! ;-)

4 posted on 02/02/2004 3:59:17 PM PST by tiamat ("Just a Bronze-Age Gal, Trapped in a Techno World!")
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To: SandRat
*lives just a few miles from NAS Oceana* I LOVE it here. But dammit they're phasing out the F14s...I'm gonna miss seeing them streak across the sky. People ask me about jet noise and it's really not that bad. It's comforting to hear the roars (even if my 4 yr old son just HAS to point out every jet and helicopter he sees)
5 posted on 02/02/2004 4:03:07 PM PST by Severa (Wife of Freeper Hostel, USN STS3(SS) currently on 6 month deployment)
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To: SandRat

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam.

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do ...

Do Not Go!!!

Sounds like good advice. I puke on the "Roundup" at the fair. No way would I do something as assinine as riding in one of these.

6 posted on 02/02/2004 4:06:17 PM PST by bigfootbob
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To: SandRat
very funny, was it from Sean Hannity ?
I know he talked about flying in one is was kinda scared about it..
7 posted on 02/02/2004 4:08:05 PM PST by The Mayor (Be steadfast, immovable, . . . knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.)
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To: SandRat
My cat is looking at me like I've gone nuts.

Bump!

8 posted on 02/02/2004 4:08:23 PM PST by mitchbert (Facts are Stubborn Things)
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To: SandRat
Brings back some memories. I few years back, I got a call to go ride shotgun with a friend in a rented Grob Bavarian for some aerobatics.

It was just before my first big incident of heart problems. And, I was hung over. Badly.

Being somewhat crazy to begin with, I agreed to go. I managed not to 'paint the cockpit', but I wasn't feeling too hot when we landed, either. We pulled a little over 4 Gs. Unngghh-Ooompff.
9 posted on 02/02/2004 4:09:04 PM PST by Riley
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To: TexasCowboy; Flyer; Eaker; humblegunner; PetroniDE; Xenalyte; Humidston; Dog Gone; olliemb; ...
Humor ping .....
10 posted on 02/02/2004 4:16:27 PM PST by HoustonCurmudgeon (PEACE - Through Superior Firepower)
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To: admiralsn
b t t t
11 posted on 02/02/2004 4:19:36 PM PST by admiralsn (President Bush: When you see a man or woman in uniform, tell them, "Thank You.")
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To: The Mayor
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.
12 posted on 02/02/2004 4:20:04 PM PST by sharktrager (The last rebel without a cause in a world full of causes without a rebel.)
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To: SandRat
I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

FrogDad came in to see what I was laughing about - had tears rolling down my face. A couple of minutes later, so did he.

I'm an uneasy flier, so this hits especially close to home. Thanks much!

13 posted on 02/02/2004 4:24:49 PM PST by FrogMom (There really ARE barbarians at the gate!)
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To: Tijeras_Slim; FireTrack; Pukin Dog; citabria; B Knotts; kilowhskey; RckyRaCoCo; cyphergirl; ...
Ping to the G.A. list.

General Aviation Ping list. FReep mail me if you want on or off this list.

14 posted on 02/02/2004 4:25:42 PM PST by Aeronaut (In my humble opinion, the new expression for backing down from a fight should be called 'frenching')
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To: SandRat
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

First ROFL occurred here. :)

15 posted on 02/02/2004 4:29:53 PM PST by yhwhsman ("Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small..." -Sir Winston Churchill)
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To: SandRat
When I lived in Annapolis, MD I had a friend who had been in the same unit as Richard Bong. He once told be a story sort of like this one. This guy's claim to fame was that between he and Bong, together shot down 42 Jap aircraft. Check the history, yep Bong got 41 and this guy claimed he got the other one. Any how on to the story.

Remember the photograph of Bong with some good looking female movie star standing beside a P38? With everybody all smiles. Well that is the before picture. They had a two seat version that Bong took her up in and showed her a few things a P38 could do that the designers never thought of. When they landed, she was screaming, beating Bong on the head with both fist, and by the way had peed in her pants. Bong just couldn't understand why she was so upset and was mumbling, "What did I do, what did I do".
16 posted on 02/02/2004 4:30:43 PM PST by U S Army EOD (Volunteer for EOD and you will never have to worry about getting wounded.)
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To: The Mayor
Don't think so. As I said I got it in an email and it is attributed to a Sports Caster in the posting.
17 posted on 02/02/2004 4:31:54 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: mitchbert
You can't say I didn't warn you.
18 posted on 02/02/2004 4:32:40 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat
I made Linda Blair look polite.


19 posted on 02/02/2004 4:33:35 PM PST by ErnBatavia (Some days you're the windshield; some days you're the bug)
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To: FrogMom
I did warn you.
20 posted on 02/02/2004 4:34:02 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: yhwhsman
Can you see Dinnis Miller saying this on one of his shows on the Comedy Channel or at a USO show at an NAS or aboard a carrier?

There'd be brake fluid all over the deck from the laughter.
21 posted on 02/02/2004 4:36:16 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat; snippy_about_it; Darksheare; colorado tanker; bulldogs; Professional Engineer
ROTFLMAO Ping
22 posted on 02/02/2004 4:36:59 PM PST by SAMWolf (If I save the whales, where do I keep them?)
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To: HoustonCurmudgeon
I'd love to take a flight, even if my experience was no better than his.
23 posted on 02/02/2004 4:40:28 PM PST by Dog Gone
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To: SandRat
Right, this is like,

"Hey, want to fly?
What now? How?
Well, we just pulled one of the UH1s out of check and have to go up and shoot some auto-rotations....."
Auto-rotations? What's that?
Oh, just a test, you want to fly don't you?"

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
24 posted on 02/02/2004 4:40:28 PM PST by tet68
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To: SandRat
I got a chance to ride in a P-51 several years ago. The trip was to establish the fuel usage of the aircraft (not sure why - they may have been messing with carb jetting after the change to 100LL) so they needed to fly it exactly one hour at a particular power setting.

Well, not having anything to do for an hour with a P-51, the pilot decided he just had to have a bit of fun. We didn't have the requisite parachutes for real aerobatics. But that didn't stop from lots of high G turns, usually at about 75 degree bank, where we would climb, and around 110 degree bank, where we'd descend. (someone will point out that technically, this WAS aerobatics. But what the hell)

It was a bit hot outside, and the back seat of the Mustang came with a pop-out air vent, which I popped out soon enough. After about 20 minutes, I really didn't feel too good. A real serious headache. I never really saw the milk duds, but I wished I could.

With 20-20 hindsight, I think I knew the real problem. The Mustang didn't originally have a back seat, and the pop-out vent wasn't original. But it WAS right about in the slipstream for the exaust from the 12cyl Merlin. Which I'll bet climbed a bit upward, and closer to the vent, during the hard turns.

I'll bet my real problem was carbon monoxide. Just glad the pilot didn't have that problem, he had his own vent. There wasn't a stick in the back seat.

25 posted on 02/02/2004 4:41:48 PM PST by narby (Who would Osama vote for???)
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To: SandRat
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
26 posted on 02/02/2004 4:42:05 PM PST by lawgirl (God to womankind: "Here's Cary Grant. Now don't say I never gave you anything.")
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To: SandRat
Good article.

I have always wanted to fly in a fighter jet. But I worry that if I ever got the chance I would turn into a hurl machine.

I do aerobatics several times a year in Pitts and Extras. So long as I am the one flying, I never even begin to get ill. I can do anything I want, rolls, spins, loops, etc., and never have a problem. But as soon as the instructor (and/or the owner of the plane) takes the controls, any manuevers will get me sweaty and fighting the hurl instinct.

And I doubt that someone like Biff (or the US Government) would feel comfortable about me actually being in command of an F14/16/18. So ... I would be code name "Milk Dud" in no time.
27 posted on 02/02/2004 4:42:12 PM PST by spodefly (This is my tagline. There are many like it, but this one is mine.)
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To: SAMWolf; SandRat
LOL!!
Sounds like mom's driving times four!
28 posted on 02/02/2004 4:43:32 PM PST by Darksheare (The voices in YOUR head are talking to ME!)
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To: Severa
MAW Beaufort.

"The sound you hear is the sound of FREEDOM."
29 posted on 02/02/2004 4:44:23 PM PST by The Coopster
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To: helives
you'll enjoy this
30 posted on 02/02/2004 4:44:53 PM PST by mitch5501 (by the grace of God,I am what I am)
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To: SandRat
A good reminder that it's a he11 of a lot easier being the pilot than the passenger!
31 posted on 02/02/2004 4:46:04 PM PST by expatpat
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To: SandRat
ROFLMAO!
Bump
32 posted on 02/02/2004 4:49:19 PM PST by Fiddlstix (Tag Lines Repaired While You Wait! Reasonable Prices! Fast Service!)
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To: Pukin Dog
ping if you haven't been pinged already ...
33 posted on 02/02/2004 4:53:50 PM PST by Bobby777
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To: tet68
Always check the cotter pin on the Jesus Nut before agreeing to this.

Lose it and you quickly find out why it's called the Jesus Nut.
34 posted on 02/02/2004 4:59:15 PM PST by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat
heheeeeeeeeeeeee!
I went up in them, AND I was a mech, I must have been crazy.
35 posted on 02/02/2004 5:03:25 PM PST by tet68
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To: SAMWolf
Sam, this is really funny. Did you see the Mail Call where the gunny went up with the Air Force? Came through with flying colors - a no bagger.
36 posted on 02/02/2004 5:07:26 PM PST by colorado tanker ("There are but two parties now, Traitors and Patriots")
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To: colorado tanker
No missed that one. :-(

Haven't had History Channel in abour 6 months :-( and it was about the only channel worth watching.
37 posted on 02/02/2004 5:22:51 PM PST by SAMWolf (If I save the whales, where do I keep them?)
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To: SAMWolf
The Oregon National Guard took him up. They really checked him out - a complete flight physical and everything. He handled it well - looks to be in pretty good shape.

Sorry you don't get the History Channel any more; it is one of the few worth watching. Amazing how you can have seventy channels and nothing worth watching is on.

38 posted on 02/02/2004 5:31:45 PM PST by colorado tanker ("There are but two parties now, Traitors and Patriots")
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To: SandRat; tet68
what's the max altitude one can (reasonablly) safely auto-rotate from in say a UH-1, Hughes 369 (UT-6?), etc.? (obviously different for different birds) ...

I'd love to learn to fly a 369/500C/D ...
39 posted on 02/02/2004 5:33:00 PM PST by Bobby777
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To: SandRat
bump keeper
40 posted on 02/02/2004 5:33:33 PM PST by CGVet58 (For my fellow Americans; my life... for our enemies; The Sword!!!)
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To: Bobby777
I don't know to tell you the truth, I only remember looking out the open side door and thinking whatever it was wasn't enough.
41 posted on 02/02/2004 5:36:40 PM PST by tet68
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To: SAMWolf
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.

I love this line. LOL. Thanks for the ping.

42 posted on 02/02/2004 5:42:39 PM PST by snippy_about_it (Fall in --> The FReeper Foxhole. America's History. America's Soul.)
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To: SandRat
"I realized I was the first person in history to throw down."

LOL!!
43 posted on 02/02/2004 5:46:13 PM PST by nuconvert ("Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?")
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To: tet68
LOL ... know what you mean ... I can go up 35,000 feet in an airliner, but 10 feet on a ladder? ... that's sCaRY ... (obviously if one had to fall, 10 feet would be the better of the two!)
44 posted on 02/02/2004 5:51:23 PM PST by Bobby777
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To: Aeronaut
Reilly did a follow up to this story when Commander King took his squadron to Afghanistan. If anyone can dig up the story I'd appreciate it. (The GD numbnuts at cnnsi.com only archive his stuff back to 2003).

Also, this is where I'm headed at the end of March: Click here. My goal is to not egress anything when they flat spin me.

45 posted on 02/02/2004 5:53:34 PM PST by Archangelsk (One man with conviction is a majority.)
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To: SandRat
I got this back in an e-mail and think it is one of the funniest stories I have ever read.
46 posted on 02/02/2004 5:56:52 PM PST by freekitty
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To: colorado tanker
Springsteen did a song about that "57 Channels and Nothing On". Love your tag line, BTW.
47 posted on 02/02/2004 6:08:42 PM PST by Hardastarboard
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To: SandRat; MJY1288; xzins; Calpernia; TEXOKIE; Alamo-Girl; windchime; Grampa Dave; anniegetyourgun; ..

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. ...If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Whatever you do ...

Do Not Go!!!

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it.

...If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ====== === = Q

 F-14 in flight over ocean 
                             
  F-14 Tomcat        L    h -----------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Humor break, ping! (^: )

48 posted on 02/02/2004 6:09:13 PM PST by Ragtime Cowgirl
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To: snippy_about_it
Sorta like the line that goes, "I've been happily married for 5 years, we're celebrating our 30th anniversary tonight"
49 posted on 02/02/2004 6:11:52 PM PST by SAMWolf (If I save the whales, where do I keep them?)
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To: SAMWolf
I've been happily married for 5 years, we're celebrating our 30th anniversary tonight"

LOL.

50 posted on 02/02/2004 6:17:10 PM PST by snippy_about_it (Fall in --> The FReeper Foxhole. America's History. America's Soul.)
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