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Kerry still can't get his stories straight
SUN-TIMES ^ | March 21, 2004 | BY MARK STEYN

Posted on 03/21/2004 3:46:37 AM PST by NYpeanut

I wonder if John Kerry has perhaps launched his descent into caricature a couple of months too early. Usually, the successful losing candidate waits till late spring/early summer before shifting gears and beginning each day with the campaign trying to explain some rhetorical triviality from the previous week that's stuck to his shoe and he can't seem to shake off.

Ever since last summer, I've been mocking Sen. Kerry's tortured explanations as to why his vote in favor of such-and-such in fact demonstrates his staunch opposition to it. As I wrote a couple of months back:

''His vote against the first Gulf War was, he says, a sign of his support for the first Gulf War. Whereas his vote in favor of the Iraq war was a sign of his opposition to the Iraq war. And his vote against funding America's troops in Iraq is a sign of his support for America's men and women in uniform. On the same principle, I think the best way voters this November can demonstrate their support for John Kerry is by voting against him.''

Even I, though, would have balked at so crude and obvious a parody as this line, which some Kerry impersonator did on the radio the other day:

''I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.''

Oh, hang on. That's apparently the real senator, explaining to an audience of veterans why he voted against funding the Iraqi reconstruction:

''I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.''

Got that?

Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.

Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?

A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.

Then there was the senator's clumsy attempt to declare himself America's ''second black president.'' Bill Clinton was at least canny enough to get himself anointed as the first black president by an actual black person, the novelist Toni Morrison, who declared that he displayed ''every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor, working-class, saxophone-playing, McDonald's-and-junk-food-loving boy from Arkansas.'' It's harder to pull that off when you're a Swiss finishing school boy from Massachusetts. Many's the night John and the other boys in his dorm would lie awake dreaming of their freedom as they murmured one of the traditional spirituals of their people: ''Swing by, sweet limousine, comin' for to carry me home.''

Of course, like many African Americans, he understands what it's like when people are prejudiced against you because of your skin. In Sen. Kerry's case, his skin is extremely thin. So it was inevitable that, when a voter named Cedric Brown, in Bethlehem, Pa., needled the candidate to name one of the world leaders who were supposedly desperate for him to beat Bush, within moments the senator would be snarling that it's ''none of your business.''

It's never a good idea in vernacular politics to leave the impression you're more comfortable with the global elite than with American citizens. Instead of the second black president, Kerry sounded awfully like America's first French president.

Also none of our business is the senator's go-ahead-punk bluster about foreign policy. For months he's been droning in his stump speech that, if George W. Bush wants to fight this election on national security, Kerry has three words for him: ''Bring it on!'' So Bush brought it on -- with a 30-second ad arguing that the senator is weak on defense. And suddenly the campaign's curled up on the floor in a fetal position whimpering that it's just totally unfair making such a horrible personal attack. Watching him in New Hampshire, I always thought, when Kerry dares you to ''bring it on,'' he couldn't quite bring it off. As all military strategists say, no plan survives first contact with the enemy. And so it proved.

What else? For over a year, there've been jokes about the ponderous way the senator brings Vietnam up at every opportunity. Ask him about John Edwards' pretty boy bangs, and Kerry says solemnly, ''I know something about bangs for real.'' But he's beyond satire now. The Humane Society sends him a questionnaire asking ''Do you have any pets that have made an impact on you personally?'' Instead of citing any of the ginger toms, gerbils and cockatoos that have passed through the Kerry household in the last four decades, he goes back to those four months in Vietnam and recalls a pooch named VC who accompanied him on his swift boat missions.

Is it normal to take a yappy mutt on a swift boat patrol through enemy territory? Especially a mutt named after the enemy. Calling out ''Over here, VC'' in the middle of the jungle seems a good way to get taken out by friendly fire. Come to that, how many folks name their dogs after the enemy? Did British Tommies stumble across stray French poodles on the beach at Normandy and think, ''Aw, cute li'l feller. I'll call him SS''?

Weird. And, just to round out a weird week, John Kerry, accompanied by the press, went into a sporting goods store and bought a jock strap. Even for a campaign marked by a strangely insecure macho exhibitionism, this was a little too self-parodic. Next time he shouts ''Bring it on!'' I want to see that VC puppy trot out with the jock strap between his teeth so Jacques Chirac can ceremonially drape it round the senator's neck.


TOPICS: Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: 2004; flipflop; kerry; kerryflipflop; marksteyn; marksteynlist
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To: NYpeanut; Alamo-Girl; onyx; ALOHA RONNIE; SpookBrat; Republican Wildcat; Howlin; dixiechick2000; ...
Another great Mark Steyn article ...

Kerry still can't get his stories straight

Excerpt:

''I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.''

Got that?

Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.

Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?

A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.

< snip >

Also none of our business is the senator's go-ahead-punk bluster about foreign policy. For months he's been droning in his stump speech that, if George W. Bush wants to fight this election on national security, Kerry has three words for him: ''Bring it on!'' So Bush brought it on -- with a 30-second ad arguing that the senator is weak on defense. And suddenly the campaign's curled up on the floor in a fetal position whimpering that it's just totally unfair making such a horrible personal attack. Watching him in New Hampshire, I always thought, when Kerry dares you to ''bring it on,'' he couldn't quite bring it off. As all military strategists say, no plan survives first contact with the enemy. And so it proved.


Please let me know if you want ON or OFF my General Interest ping list!. . .don't be shy.


61 posted on 03/21/2004 1:03:01 PM PST by MeekOneGOP (The Democrats say they believe in CHOICE. I have chosen to vote STRAIGHT TICKET GOP for years !!)
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To: NYpeanut
Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.

Really it's five.

It takes one Kerry just to tell anyone who will listen that he served in Vietnam

62 posted on 03/21/2004 1:10:58 PM PST by Edit35
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To: goldstategop; Doctor Raoul; kristinn; cyncooper
This would make a heck of a Freep...

Weird. And, just to round out a weird week, John Kerry, accompanied by the press, went into a sporting goods store and bought a jock strap. Even for a campaign marked by a strangely insecure macho exhibitionism, this was a little too self-parodic. Next time he shouts ''Bring it on!'' I want to see that VC puppy trot out with the jock strap between his teeth so Jacques Chirac can ceremonially drape it round the senator's neck.

63 posted on 03/21/2004 1:24:01 PM PST by Dog
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To: NYpeanut
Man, this Steyn column has so many laughs, I cannot pick out just one. Great stuff.
64 posted on 03/21/2004 1:45:55 PM PST by LibertarianLiz
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To: NYpeanut
For months he's been droning in his stump speech that, if George W. Bush wants to fight this election on national security, Kerry has three words for him: ''Bring it on!'' So Bush brought it on -- with a 30-second ad arguing that the senator is weak on defense. And suddenly the campaign's curled up on the floor in a fetal position whimpering that it's just totally unfair making such a horrible personal attack.

This line had me laughing until I cried, literally. Great stuff.

65 posted on 03/21/2004 1:59:34 PM PST by Buggman (President Bush sends his regards.)
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To: goldstategop
All you can reasonably conclude is he's just not ready to serve as President.
. . . and after 30 years in the public eye and 20 years in statewide office - NOT including the governorship, for which he was defeated - all you can reasonably conclude is that he never will be ready for national office.

He would be a has-been, but then, he never was.

Someone indicated that he has been hectoring for a series of debates, and I have a serious suggestion: if Kerry needs debates then he should have them - but they should

  1. be moderated only by a chess timer to equalize the speaking time,
  2. be with no notes barred, and
  3. be of at least two hours' duration.
Given that journalism is an anticonservative profession, that first requirement would be fairer to the Republican in any contest, since a journalist moderator will always subtly inhibit the Republican and help the Democrat. Rules against notes obviously increase the need for preparation time and increase the likelihood that one or both candidates will publically embarass himself, to the detriment of the United States. And short, moderator-controlled media access positions the future POTUS as being inferior to the moderator and makes the candidates pretend to answer the moderator's questions when in fact they are making prepared speeches. The time required to prepare to make a point is inversely proportional to the time available to actually deliver the message.

If Kerry is asking for debates, I say agree to them when you can get favorable conditions - and set precedents to the benefit of Republican presidential candidates of the future. Then use them to attack the Democrats' filibuster of honest judicial appointments. And to drive home the point that there has not been a good Democratic Secretary of Defense in a very long time - Les Aspen was replaced by Republican Senator Cohen after he took responsibility for Black Hawk Down and resigned.


66 posted on 03/21/2004 2:08:41 PM PST by conservatism_IS_compassion (No one is more subjective than the person who believes in his own objectivity.)
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To: Savage Beast
When the U.S. does elect a black president, Toni Morrison's silliness will be exposed for what it is.

Worse than silliness ... it's filthy bigotry. "He's trash, so he must be black." Sorry, REAL black people are Thomas Sowell, Alan Keyes, and our Project 21 FReepers.

67 posted on 03/21/2004 2:20:31 PM PST by Tax-chick (Please put your hearts at ease. We have activated the national security mechanism.)
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To: laredo44
"Happened in Vietnam."

Kerry's a Vietnam veteran? Who knew?
68 posted on 03/21/2004 2:30:45 PM PST by Rocky
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To: NYpeanut
"On the same principle, I think the best way voters this November can demonstrate their support for John Kerry is by voting against him."

I actually came up with my tagline BEFORE I read Steyn's latest and greatest...

Oh, and one more thing...

"Gerbils"?
69 posted on 03/21/2004 2:37:45 PM PST by moonhawk (Actually, I'm voting FOR John Kerry....Before I vote AGAINST him.)
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To: moonhawk
"I actually came up with my tagline BEFORE I read Steyn's latest and greatest... "

And I formulated mine after reading Steyn's column but before reading your post.
70 posted on 03/21/2004 2:48:13 PM PST by Rocky (Support John Flip-flop Kerry by voting against him in November. Twice, if possible.)
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To: PeoplesRepublicOfWashington
The only question now is who the 'Rats will choose to nominate at their convention--'twon't be Kerry!

hillary to the rescue....
This is perfect for her, because she couldn't stand a long campaign with all of her baggage and nasty temper.
She's also the only Dem left with enough name recognition to win in a short campaign.

71 posted on 03/21/2004 2:53:23 PM PST by speekinout
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To: Dog
Garner, the political cartoonist on the Washington Times, always drew a chicken (Tyson's) and a bra dangling somewhere when he drew Clinton.

I hope Garner goes for the pet VC and the Jacquestrappe!

Does any Freeper think that Kerry did his own shopping before he had an entourage and a gaggle of reporters following him?
72 posted on 03/21/2004 3:01:26 PM PST by maica (World Peace starts with W)
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To: MeekOneGOP
For months he's been droning in his stump speech

Recently, I was browsing 'another' forum and his own people were complaining that they "couldn't stand to listen to his droning speeches"!!

73 posted on 03/21/2004 3:18:15 PM PST by potlatch ( Medals do not make a man. Morals do.)
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To: Pokey78
Whereas his vote in favor of the Iraq war was a sign of his opposition to the Iraq war. And his vote against funding America's troops in Iraq is a sign of his support for America's men and women in uniform. On the same principle, I think the best way voters this November can demonstrate their support for John Kerry is by voting against him.

LOL, right on target.

74 posted on 03/21/2004 3:49:34 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul (Kerry's 3 Purple Hearts are: 2 for minor arm and thigh injury and 1 for killing a semi-dead VietCong)
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To: Tax-chick
Of course. Toni Morrison insulted Black America and didn't have sense enough to understand that she was insulting herself.
75 posted on 03/21/2004 5:36:35 PM PST by Savage Beast ("Vote Democrat!" ~Osama bin Laden. "Kerry for President!" ~Ayman al-Zawahri.)
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To: potlatch
haha ! I can believe it ! Glad to see it confirmed. ;^)

Kerry's toast November 2nd, I tell ya !


76 posted on 03/21/2004 5:40:45 PM PST by MeekOneGOP (The Democrats say they believe in CHOICE. I have chosen to vote STRAIGHT TICKET GOP for years !!)
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To: Victoria Delsoul
... I think the best way voters this November can demonstrate
their support for John Kerry is by voting against him.

haha ! I got a chuckle out of that line too ! ;^)


77 posted on 03/21/2004 5:42:42 PM PST by MeekOneGOP (The Democrats say they believe in CHOICE. I have chosen to vote STRAIGHT TICKET GOP for years !!)
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To: NYpeanut
And, just to round out a weird week, John Kerry, accompanied by the press, went into a sporting goods store and bought a jock strap.

Must be a gift for a friend.

78 posted on 03/21/2004 5:48:37 PM PST by savedbygrace
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To: MeekOneGOP
:-)
79 posted on 03/21/2004 6:00:45 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul (Kerry's 3 Purple Hearts are: 2 for minor arm and thigh injury and 1 for killing a semi-dead VietCong)
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To: NYpeanut
I love Steyn! Bump
80 posted on 03/21/2004 6:39:58 PM PST by Ruth A.
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