Posted on 04/29/2004 7:44:32 AM PDT by Davis
E-mail to Candidate John F. Kerry
From James (Cooter) Thompson
Dear Senator Kerry:
I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you. (More if you want them. Let us know.)
1 We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that on chow lines.
2 Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.
3 It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.
4 Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune even if he's a politician.
5 Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall. All us here (except Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great fans of wrasslin. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. You needn't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip truck.
6 Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're against.
7 We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.
8 If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with.
9 We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.
10 You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there. You don't have to get tattooed.
Sincerely,
Cooter
(with the considerable assistance of J. Boudreau and B. Bass)
Theresa and I are pleased to have read your short missive to me on email. While there were some misspellings, and a few phrases of which I was not familiar, we did seem to understand the point of your letter.
We thank you for the suggestions you provided. I shall try to incorporate your ideas into my campaign post haste, though there may be times when it is unsuitable to use them, especially so during fund-raising dinners.
I understand you are concerned with the costs of gasoline, and that a necessary additional taxation upon the fuel would make your daily toil more expensive and perhaps more difficult. But you should understand that we are considering these increases for your own good, and for the your children's best welfare as well. If you drove more fuel-efficient autos, and not SUVs which waste gasoline, your could stretch your buying dollar immensely. I personally have never seen the benefit of owning an SUV. Did you know that SUVs are responsible for more motor vehicle accidents and deaths than in the last 13 years. Those driving or riding in them tend to survive, but the oppressed minorities who cannot afford them are often the victims of their collissions. Such largesse is inappropriate, to say the least.
My Manservant, Mr. McNichol, said you also wrote about my military service. That is true. I was in VietNam and was wounded not once but 3 times. Let me tell you, a nasty scratch in those backwaters can become infected quickly, and infection is a trail to death. If only our President had the same military experiences that I'd had, yet alas, not so.
Thanks again, Mr Cooter. And please say hello to your friends in the Louisiana bayous (which remind me so of the heady days when I was serving in VietNam), and remind them of my devotion to them. I will think kindly of you all when I am aboard my yacht.
Now, I'm going to have something called a "Philly Cheesesteak". I hope it's easily cut with the plastic knife and fork that manservant McNichol carries. And it will be a break from the PB&J sandwiches (sans crust) that I have from time to time.
Tata for now.
Sen. John F. Kerry
Thrice Decorated Vietnam War Veteran.
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