Posted on 06/13/2004 5:15:03 PM PDT by weegee
Why am I running for governor of Texas in 2006? Why the hell not? I already have several good campaign slogans, starting with "How hard could it be?"
Compared with the daunting financial crunch that Arnold Schwarzenegger inherited when he became governor of California, being governor of Texas is a notoriously easy gig. It's rather like being the judge of a giant chili cook-off.
Consider that in the past a series of wealthy Texas oilmen have ascended to the office, some of them rarely bothering to leave their ranches to go to Austin unless there was a football game. And it's clear that not much was expected of our first female governor, Ma Ferguson, who, regarding bilingual studies, once said: "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas."
Here's another reason I'm running: Texas has a tradition of singing governors. Pappy O'Daniel's successful race took place in the 1940s. He had a band called the Light Crust Doughboys. I, of course, had a band called the Texas Jewboys. His slogan was "Pass the biscuits, Pappy." One of my own most popular, often-requested songs is Get Your Biscuits in the Oven (And Your Buns in the Bed). The parallels are almost uncanny.
Our current governor, Rick Perry, is very proud of his hair. I've got a better head of hair than him, but it's not in a place I can show you because I wear a cowboy hat most of the time. Actually, the only thing cowboys and Jews have in common is that we both like to wear our hats indoors. In the rare instances in which I take off my hat, I have what I often like to refer to as the Lyle Lovett Starter Kit.
Part of the charm of my quixotic campaign is that it may be taken as a joke by some, an article of faith by others. To paraphrase Ronald Reagan, the other guy's got the experience -- that's why I'm running.
I have a new product coming on the market this summer. My Palestinian hairdresser, Farouk Shami, and I are importing olive oil from the Holy Land. One hundred percent of the profits of Farouk & Friedman Olive Oil will go to Israeli and Palestinian children. We aim to show Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon how it's done. When I'm governor, Farouk will be my ambassador to Israel.
Willie Nelson, the hillbilly Dalai Lama, also will play a seminal role in my plans. In a Friedman administration, Willie confided to me, he would like to be head of the Texas Rangers. If that's not possible, he'd like to be head of the DEA.
Willie and I, of course, do not always agree on everything. More than a year ago, just before the invasion of Iraq, we discussed the subject on his bus. I was very much for the war. He was very much against it. Finally, I tried to reason with him. "Look, Willie," I said, "the guy's a tyrannical bully and we've got to take him out." "No," Willie said. "He's our president and we've got to stand by him."
Even though the governor of Texas does not do much heavy lifting, this does not mean that he can't do some spiritual lifting. I have a plan to start a Texas Peace Corps, and that is not an oxymoron. I want to fight the wussification of Texas. We didn't get to be the Lone Star State by being politically correct.
I'm not anti-death penalty but I am anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed. Max Soffar has been on death row for 23 years, brought to trial solely on the basis of a long-ago recanted confession and represented by the infamous Joe Cannon, a state-appointed attorney known to have slept through some clients' capital murder cases.
And I don't merely want to save innocent people. I also want to save innocent animals. When I'm governor, Texas will become a no-kill state. I'll also outlaw the declawing of cats. For five years, I've been involved with Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch, a never-kill sanctuary for stray and abused animals. You can learn a lot about life by working with such animals. I'd probably be a Buddhist today if it weren't for Richard Gere.
I aspire to inspire before I expire -- to remind people that JFK is not an airport, RFK is not a football stadium and Martin Luther King Jr. is not a street. In 2 and 1/2 years you may see me in the back of a long, black limousine, which will mean that I'm either governor or I've been bugled to Jesus, the distinction often not being readily discernible.
If I am elected, I already know the first thing I'll do: Demand a recount! But can I really win? Read my lips: I don't know.
Friedman is an author, musician and columnist for Texas Monthly.
Humorous :). Thanks for the post.
His song I liked best was "They Don't Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore."
I always liked "Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed" and "Home Erectus" myself.
Then again, with a band named "The Texas Jew-Boys" what's not to like?
ping for later
Kinky is a very bright man. The last person that thinks Kinky will become Governor of the state of Texas is Kinky.
I know many people who would vote for him, just cuz.
What is his position of property tax reform? I bet I know what his position is on the death penalty, but who cares.
Congressman Billybob
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Haven't read them, but he is a funny guy. The rise and fall of Don Imus as a clever radio guy can be traced by the years that Kinky was associated with him.
Kinky Friedman is a hoot. But then, so is Willie Nelson, or Nelly Wilson, as my daughter used to say. She is now 33, and I believe she knows the difference.
Not I, darling. The Kinkster should stick to writing.
After the late singer's recently released song was posthumously awarded a spot on the country/rock charts, the Kinkster was asked what the plans for his group were in the coming days.
His response:
"We're thinking about renting an airplane."
I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the picture.
I like the idea of Willy running the DEA ...LOL
I caught his act at the Lonestar Cafe up in New York City years ago. He was very funny.
Other candidates can demand equal time (I don't even know if they have to ask for it now since no other candidate are declared, including the incumbant).
I saw an SUV earlier this year that had 2 bumper stickers, "Kinky Friedman for Governor" and "Al Sharpton for President".
THAT musta been around Austin!
Why not? We already had Kinky for president.
Uh, that was Sinky, not Kinky...
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