Posted on 07/10/2004 2:11:58 PM PDT by annyokie
ADULT CHILDREN SPEAK OUT ABOUT SAME-SEX PARENTS
It was the TV pictures that first got to Bronagh Cassidy. Same-sex couples marrying in San Francisco: "They were so proud of themselves. And then they had these little children with them." Cassidy, a 27-year-old married mother of two, sighs. "Something inside of me wants to be able to help those kids, because I know they are going to have problems." Sound ignorant, maybe even bigoted? This week, as the Senate is expected to begin debate on a constitutional amendment to protect marriage, many voices will try to convince you that people like Cassidy are, as Cheryl Jacques, head of the Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights group, put it in a recent letter, "hate-filled people who will stop at nothing to achieve their discriminatory, offensive goals."
But Cassidy knows better: She is one of the first generation of "gayby boom" babies, raised by two moms. Adult children of same-sex parents are rare. I recently came across Cassidy's story by accident, after she e-mailed a friend of mine who is a family scholar.
Back in 1976, Cassidy's mom had a religious ceremony with a woman named Pat. To make Cassidy, they did artificial insemination at home, mixing the sperm of two gay friends "to make sure nobody would ever know who the father was," says Cassidy. (That was in the days before widespread DNA testing.) The two women stayed together for 16 years, until Pat died. Three years later, Cassidy's mother married a man.
What was it like for Cassidy being raised by two women she called "Mom" and "My Pat"?
"When growing up, I always had the feeling of being something unnatural," Cassidy says. "I came out of an unnatural relationship; it was something like I shouldn't be there. On a daily basis, it was something I was conflicted with. I used to wish, honestly that Pat wasn't there."
Why does she oppose same-sex marriage? "It's not something that a seal of approval should be stamped on: We shouldn't say it is a great and wonderful thing and then you have all these kids who later in life will turn around and realize they've been cheated. The adults choose to have that lifestyle and then have a kid. They are fulfilling their emotional needs -- they want to have a child -- and they are not taking into account how that's going to feel to the child; there's a clear difference between having same-sex parents and a mom and a dad."
Sounds judgmental in print. But up close, Cassidy comes across as fiercely protective of her mom (Cassidy is a pen name she's adopted to protect her mom's privacy). Like many children of same-sex parents, she was expected to defend and protect her mothers from society's homophobia. Her own troubled feelings about her family life were clearly unacceptable to her parents. Even now, the prospect of speaking about her own experience gives her the shakes.
Cassidy's story is not science. It's just her own feelings. Many researchers say most kids do just fine in these alternative family forms. Cassidy doesn't buy that research, though. "I don't think a fair study could be conducted because children currently in that family wouldn't necessarily be open to speaking their true feelings about it."
A few years back, she watched "20/20" interviews with children like her. "They were asked questions like: 'Are you happy? Do you love your parents?' I don't think it's fair to ask them those questions. These are their parents. They aren't going to say they are suffering, because they don't want to make their parents feel bad."
Some people will say if Cassidy's mom and "my Pat" had been legally married, everything would have been fine. Cassidy doesn't think so. "Even if society were open to it, there's just the whole issue of your self-identity. I always had the feeling I was in a lab experiment."
She feels driven to do something, say something to protect other children like her. "Whenever I see it on TV, something inside of me says NO. I don't think it's fair that the kids are being put in this situation. They don't have a choice about it."
Do any other adult children with same-sex parents feel the same way? Will we allow any space in this intense debate between adult combatants for something as simple as one child's feelings?
(Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at MaggieBox2004@yahoo.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2004 MAGGIE GALLAGHER
You don't know how right you are. The first studies that showed a neutral effect have been blasted for being grotesquely flawed. The most recent longitudinal studies have shown that children of gay "parents" are more likely to have behavioural problems, more likely to be disruptive in school, be expelled and to drop out, to experiment with drugs and sex earlier and at a higher rate, to have homosexual encounters, to have early criminal records, to have higher rates of depression, mood disorders, etc.
It is on the level of child abuse to allow homosexuals to adopt or have children through artificial means. But that is un-PC "hate speech."
Imagine having to grow up when everyone called your mom "Butch Cassidy"!
Homosexual Agenda Pingl. One woman's viewpoint about "two mommies". Of course, andecdotal and all that. But the more stories the better.
let me know if anyone wants on/off this pinglist.
Thanks! I always appreciate being alerted to relevant articles, I miss some interesting ones.
bump.
That sounds much more preachy than I'd like, but I can't seem to reword it so it makes sense. Please take it in the spirit offered: as a comment from someone who is currently trying to make sense of something she wish hadn't been.
Pat is a woman?
okay fair enough...I've been there too and wouldn't want her to waste her life.
Life is wretched for many people, including kids of married straight couples, kids of "single moms," etc.
I think that if her "parents" hadn't made a big deal about it - it wouldn't have been a big deal. Many people in the past were raised by sisters, aunts, friends, mothers and grandmothers, or any combination thereof. Some were even raised by unmarried men, but men usually got a governess/ housekeeper or their sister or mother to actually take care of the child. Those who had no female relatives just did the best they could.
The whole problem is this "gay" program that is now being dropped on these kids, and they are now being expected to defend it.
Do you have any links to sources? This is going to be an issue for members of my family in a few years, I'd like to keep up on things.
A friend was born into a home with a mom and dad. They soon divorced and mom "discovered" that she was a lesbian. My friend went from a fairly normal tomboyish girl (OK, she was a really intelligent geeky kid) to a radical, in-your-face, sexually active lesbian. Before too long, none of us recognised her as the wonderful friend we'd grown to love.
yep exactly
Cassidy's story is not science. It's just her own feelings. Many researchers say most kids do just fine in these alternative family forms. Cassidy doesn't buy that research, though. "I don't think a fair study could be conducted because children currently in that family wouldn't necessarily be open to speaking their true feelings about it."
A few years back, she watched "20/20" interviews with children like her. "They were asked questions like: 'Are you happy? Do you love your parents?' I don't think it's fair to ask them those questions. These are their parents. They aren't going to say they are suffering, because they don't want to make their parents feel bad."
I agree it's totally absurd to expect an adult rationalization from CHILDREN. Children are so unaware and unknowing and no doubt very confused. It's the adults who try to put ideas and words into childrens impressionable minds.
I boldfaced what I consider the most salient passages. Can't have fathers. And why on earth would her mother have married a mayyy-an?! I thought sexual orientation only went one way -- gay!
"unatural and they always need a third party"
... or an all out orgie (blech) complete with plenty of sperm mixers and swizzle sticks. Lord deliver us from evil.
"I don't know that it would be any better for her if just tried to ignore it. There's something theraputic about being able to share why what you experienced others need to avoid."
I have a friend who tried to ignore her past which was painful and she is only now beginning to talk about it. Sometimes things eat you up inside and you are not even aware of it. I say we let these people talk and share their experience with others. It's not only theraputic for them....it's always good to see all sides to an issue.
Very good points.
I'm not making any judgements. Just reporting this young woman's POV.
Bingo. Back then it was acknowledged that "the situation isn't ideal but we are doing the best we can." This is a far cry from the attitude today.
And kids love their parents unless their parents are absolute monsters and sometimes even then.
Men are irrelevant now in this age of sperm donation, esp. DYI turkey baster types with no money.
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