Dan Rather Resume

9/12/04 | pulaskibush

[pulaskibush]

With the possibility of CBS news anchor Dan Rather losing his job, please help this experienced "journalist" by sending his resume to everyone you know. Below is the official Dan Rather Resume; enjoy.

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Dan Rather
666 sesame street
funky town, Lala-land 72116
911-867-5309
demforger@seeBS.commie

OBJECTIVE

To destroy the President of the United States by means of anti-American Propaganda, liberal agenda setting, leftist butt kissing, forged documents, and any other such lies.

EDUCATION

Karl Marx High School
Lenin University
Basket weaving Tech
(Basically one tofu farting faggot socialist professor after another)

WORK EXPERIENCE (will prove with authentic documentation)

-Leader of the A-Team_1986-1987
-Speechwriter for Fidel Castro_1965-1973
-Commander of the 3rd Republican Guard Division of Saddam Hussein_1992
-Intern and very personal servant for Governor Jim McGreevy_2000-2002
-Sultan of Brunei 1990_1998
-Harpsichord Player for the band Mettalica_1987-1989
-Voice of Darth Vader’s lesbian cousin_1979
-bow-tie adjuster for Tucker Marks of CNN_Present
-Personal bodyguard for Dr. Venture_2002-Present
-Hairstylist for Pink #762_2000
-Personal Tailor for Sandy Berger 2002_Present
-Commander of the armies of Israel_Reign of King David
-Dance slave for Jabba the Hutt_29340 BC
-Janitor for the JIM HOLT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS, Little Rock, AR_Present
-Stuntman for the Texas Circular Saw Massacre_2008
-CIA Cambodia Operations secretary for Lieutenant John Kerry_1968
-1st and 4th Prime of System Lord Apophis_1999-2001
-3rd wife of William Hung_2012
-Etiquette instructor for Kenny Blankenship of MXE_present-2012
-Governor of Wallis Island-1812
-Cook of the IGSS waste disposal vessel Che_2590
-CBS news anchor_who really cares

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

-Invented electricity, the Internet, Tofu, marijuana, and the IBM Executive series and the IBM Selectric series typing machines.
-Killed 43 mutant rabbits in Night of the Lepus 3
-Co-author of The Book of the Red Moon
-World record holder for most artificial cheese eaten on a gay pride parade
-Founder of freerepublic.com
-Urinated
-Led the French invasion of Brazil
-Won the Cuban bronze medal in curling during the 1988 Hermaphrodite Winter Olympics
-Killed 856 fleas in the “Vicksburg Incident”
-Nuked Chiner
-Sold Klingon nosehair trimmers
-Teleported 14.43 feet for no reason whatsoever
-Performed self circumcision using an Energizer Monkey
-Nephew of Lord Sesshomaru
-invoked the phrase “Separation of Church and State” for the first time in US legal history in the Everson v. Board of Education Case in 1947

REFERENCES

King Nothing
CBS Headquarters
Cloud 9

General Chang
http://www.startreklibrary.com/MOVIES/undiscovered5.htm
5 Kapla Cove
Klingon Homeworld

Barney the Purple Dinosuar
Cerebral Cortex
Inside your Brain

Bob Marley
420 Potthead Drive
Bluntsville

INTEREST/ACTIVITES

making propaganda, praising liberals, bashing conservatives, giving enemies of the US photographs for their propaganda, forging documents

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Please consider me for employment

Sincerly,

Dan Rather

Sources:

http://www.wallbuilders.com/resources/search/detail.php?ResourceID=9

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1213658/posts

http://www.captainsquartersblog.com/mt/archives/002486.php

[pulaskibush]

If you know of any other "work experience" or "accomplishments" by Dan Rather, feel free to add them.

[visualops]

This is news/activism?
Waste of space.

[soozla]

"Dan's a girl...Dan has the enthusiasm of a girl. There's a girl's soul lurking in him."

--CBS News campaign producer Susan Zirinsky in the March 23, 1996 TV Guide.

This goes in the part for "personal references".

[TexasTransplant]

Agree

[Rocky]

Very funny.

Dan is on an iceberg drifting south in the North Atlantic. It's only a matter of time before the iceberg melts and Dan goes in the drink.

[samadams2000]

How about finding his real resume..maybe one 20 years old and subjecting it to the Freeper test? Just a crazy idea. I'm sure theres one in a file somewhere????

[VxH]

Live, from the heart of darkness.

 

Mistah Kurtz Rather - he clueless.

The horror… The horror…

[eccentric]

Kismet, Kansas needs an animal control officer. Should I forward this resume to them?

[kinghorse]

God forbid this hurricane hits with any force but maybe Rather can cover it and call it a career capper. Hopefully.

[mrgolden]

Oddly enough, the guy actually graduated from my High School, John H. Reagan Senior High in inner city Houston, Texas. Strange but true.