Posted on 10/29/2004 6:49:26 PM PDT by pickrell
Sadly, with all of the focus recently upon the deficit, and the current accounts balance, there is developing, with very little media attention, a virtual catastrophe in the making. I'm talking, of course, about the virgin gap.
Since each martyr is allotted his 72 virgins, and the U.S. military are doing their best to facilitate the entry of many more of those charming creatures to the queue of killers waiting outside the Sandy Gates, the sheer numbers are actually becoming daunting. I understand that spending more of the taxpayer's money is universally accepted as being a sign that a candidate cares, but can we count on this to alleviate the problem?
Should the U.N. administer this program, given the number of pimps- er, I should say, facilitators for a price, that earn their livelihoods there? Several of the European countries seem to have long experience in procurement...
And should there be a means test? If, for instance the hallowed killer hasn't, (how do I put this delicately), the means to utilize even a few virgins so that they might actually notice, will his little booklet get the coupons torn out just for trying? Are his virgins transferrable? Will the big broads, in fact, get traded on the big board?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but what if you get stuck with a number of ugly chicks? If you dump them, do you have to pay halo-mony? (Sorry, I couldn't resist...)
Having read a bit about the financial rules and customs of these folks, I am given to understand that interest is not allowed by their religion. So, what happens if the virgins show no...interest? It would be triply humiliating to go through all of that and then, just when you were sure that your reward was in hand- so to speak-, to be pointed at as the target of smirks and laughter.
Can one get pre-certified?
Absolutely no one seems to be focusing on this coming acute shortage of virgins in the hereafter. I fear that they may soon need to share, perhaps even by instituting some sort of lend-lease program.
The problem is that, while a few Middle Eastern countries are supplying their pro-rata portion of rats; not every country is supplying their fair share of the virgins. In France, for instance, a great percentage of the girls are over seven years old, and by definition therefore, well...they probably won't be wearing white to the wedding. The French GDP in the 'unspoiled department' rates just beneath their share of men in the queue.
Is there a solution just over the horizon...so to speak? I have heard that John Kerry has a plan for everything, but I haven't heard this addressed yet. There are stories that a number of virgins, having considered spending eternity in the same zip code as John Kerry and John Edwards, actually volunteered to transfer to the Sandy Gates, until they received hasty assurances from the staff at the Pearly Gates, that the two Senators certainly had no reservations...
Inquiring minds want to know.
Take two Viagra and call me in a week.
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