Posted on 11/23/2004 8:57:44 AM PST by AlwaysLurking
Mene Mene Tecum Ufarsum
... coming to grips with being a zealot -
“Virginia” learned “Yes, there is a Santa Claus” because she read it in the newspaper; so I suppose I am an “Ignorant Southern Redneck Republican Religious Zealot” because I sure have been reading that in those high falutin’ “major metropolitan dailies” since November 2nd. All I did was express my support for The Cowboy and Ms Laura but I guess that is the litmus test for zealotry … who knew?
At 6:30 AM on Nov 2 I awoke as "a greedy country club Republican with my Halliburton portfolio and my tax cut (for the wealthy dontchaknow)” … 13 hours later, as the polls closed … I had somehow morphed into the aforementioned “Ignorant Southern Redneck Religious Zealot”.
I have dutifully accepted my newly defined station in life. But if I am going to be one, I want all the perks and bennies that come with it … decoder rings, secret handshakes, tattoos, maybe even a Bobbleheadless John The Baptist doll.
Zealots have “secret meetings” so I took my concerns to a clandestine assembly of like-minded zealots this past Sunday. Sunday is the clandestine meeting day of choice for the vast majority of religious zealots. Some zealots do meet on Saturday but my particular tribe sets aside Saturday for meeting in outdoor amphitheaters to celebrate a pagan ritual known as “college football”. I have to admit that a lot of “zeal” is expressed by “zealots” in those particular gatherings.
Among like-minded zealots I am but a humble foot soldier. The answer to my concerns lay with our fearless leader, Pastor Leon, titular head of the Tucker Baptists.
Our weekly secret ritual began in the accustomed fashion … doughnuts and coffee … supplied by the wimmen folk of the tribe. Once we all got “high” on caffeine and sugar we commenced to chanting. The chosen chant for this morning was appropriately militaristic “Onward Christian Soldiers”.
I had not warned Mizzus Swagger or Kid of my intent fearing their likely disapproval. With Kid, disapproval was a virtual certainty!
Downing a last gulp of confidence building Folger’s … I remained standing as the final chord of the chant played out. Pastor Leon noticed me. “Brother Swagger, would you like to say something?” … all eyes turned to me. Prompting Kid to curl into a fetal position beneath her chair. Mizzus muttered something that sounded like “What the heck are you doing?” … I began …
“Indeed I would.” That pretty much earned me the complete attention of all 250 in the room. “Since last Tuesday night at 7:31 PM EST I have learned I am an ignorant Southern Redneck Religious Zealot. All those fancy folks with pretty hair on television seemed to agree on this, except for those Fox folks, of course. I went to school in Chapel Hill so I am used to being called names and “Southern Redneck” is mild by comparison to some. What disturbs me is this “Religious Zealot” business.”
“Can you be more specific Brother Swagger?” asked Pastor Leon, sensing his control over the group might be in jeopardy.
“Yes, sir, I can. I’ve been doing some research on religious zealots and fanatics and, darn it Pastor, we are being shortchanged.
First on the matter of costumes. Did you know that other zealot groups like the Hare Krishnas, the Druids, and the Wickets get to wear cool togas and cloaks and hoods and stuff? Look at us. We look like a convention of Sears appliance salesmen and their “Soccer Mom” wives. Why Pastor Leon if there was a casting call for a remake of Ozzie & Harriet they could find the whole freakin’ cast right here.
The only fashion rebel in this room is Brother Spence over yonder. He wears his loafers with no socks. Is that the best we can do? Woo woo, look at those weird Tucker Baptist zealots with “No Socks”! Puhleeze.
"Pastor Leon as an influential member of the high clergy I beseech you to up the zealot quotient around here.”
“Do you have any suggestions, BobLee?”
“Glad you asked. Yes, I do. I think it would be nice if we could maybe “burn a witch” or periodically “stone a few harlots”. My research has shown that “witches and harlots and something called liberal democrats” are favorite targets of real hardcore “zealots”. Now I realize that witch burning and harlot stoning might be ambitious … long term goals. In the interim …
"Could you maybe bring in a few poisonous snakes for us to handle. Maybe we could include some clay to eat with our doughnuts. And, Pastor, could maybe you teach us some medieval chants in an unknown tongue. You know like those guys in the firey furnace … “mene mene tecum ufarsum” … we could take turns being Shadrak, Meshak, and Abednego. I think Brother Boyd, Brother Fowler and Brother Branch would be excellent firey furnace martyrs.
… and Pastor could you maybe work on sweating some more and, instead of just getting choked up now and then, could you do some wailin’ and carryin’ on. Zealot leaders wail a lot, or so they say. Some zealot leaders also get into carryin’ on with those aforementioned harlots but I don’t recommend you do that.
I’m thinking Pastor that if we can really ratchet up our zealotry around here, that sorry no-account local “fishwrapper” might send a non-partisan objective investigative journalist out here to do a story on us. And Voila, we have our first witch to burn!”
“Amen Brother BobLee … now, would everyone please turn to Thessalonians … … “
>>><<<
Swagger’s Stumper
What were the ORIGINAL "Four Lands" at Disneyland (Anaheim)?
(Swagger’s Stumpers get more play than the NYT’s Word Jumble. The “prize” is self pride and appreciation that all your useless trivial fact retention finally paid off. Send in your answer and get a real life e-reply from BobLee hisownself.)
BobLee@Simplyswagger.com
Priceless!
Funny!
But what do I know about humor? I'm just an ignorant redneck, barefoot in the kitchen wimmenfolk.
Don't worry, Michael Moore is gonna make another movie to 'splain it to us, since we wuz too dumb to get it the first time.
See, they just didn't get their message out last time, or in 2002, or in 2000. I keep telling 'em, scream louder, be shriller, it'll get our attention.
And a plan. They need a plan.
Yep, he is a pretty funny guy. And I am proud to say I know the sumbeech personally! He is about as good a person as you would ever meet. "ol Boblee and I go way back and I can tell you he pulls NO punches, especially with the libs.
Scary thing is his wife is more conservative than him! (God bless our Southern women!)
ROFL. Thanks for a great laugh!!!
LOL Good stuff. I'm going to have to read this guy's page.
Isn't there a FReeper that actually has this name?
You're thinking of MeneMeneTekelUpharsin
Rolling on the floor laughing and about to die! That was funny! How true...suddenly, we've all turned in to invalids in a vegetative state for having voted Bush into office.
Yes...he is really funny!
Read the archives for some great stuff!
Thanks for the heads up.
"What were the ORIGINAL "Four Lands" at Disneyland (Anaheim)?"
Adventure, Fantasy, Tomorrow, and Fronter Land. (?)
I am sure the Pastor can remind Brother Boblee that the incident in the fiery furnace and the four strange words are two separate incidents. Both occur in the Book of Daniel. The four words are in aramaic, hence not readable by the Babylonians. They are also written by a disembodied hand on a wall, hence giving rise to the expression, "the handwriting is on the wall"! Daniel translates to the John Kerry type Emperor that this means Ohio went to Bush... well, actually it means the ancient equivalent, that he will be killed that night, which is how they did things back then. No concession speeches to wait for, that way!
bump for 'southern genius'. . .
Ping, if you have a warped sense of humor.
I do!
LOL
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