Posted on 11/23/2004 10:29:45 AM PST by Libertas aut Mortis
[I'd love to give the author of this piece credit. It's side-splittingly funny. But I don't know his name.]
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.
The producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border, and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumours have been circulating about the Bush administration's establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.
"We're going to have some Peter, Paul, & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
This is indeed funny. Thanks for posting it.
"how many art-history majors do we need?" LMAO!
ROFLMAO
ROTFLMAO!
I think I've got several of them living in our trees myself. They scooted right up there on Nov. 3 and won't come down!
bump
That'd be Larry himself. What do I win?
Myron Florin was the accordian player in the orchestra. Larry was just the front man (when he wasn't boinking Norma Zimmer).
You think it's going to make American Liberals feel more comfortable when they see American Liberals on an endangered species postage stamp?
LOL!
aw shucks, you mean this is a joke?
BTTT
DARN IT!! I am only 28 and I knew it was Floren!! but then i am from Mandan ND only a stones throw from Zealand/Strasberg
I am almost 2x28. But when I was in college, I was friends with a girl who's dad owned a small recording company with one (count em: 1) contract: Lawrence Welk. I got the inside skinny on the whole orchestra as we drank beer every Saturday night, watching the show.
my uncles family farm was right next to the Welks' farm but my uncle was too young to know him.
That nearly makes you polka royalty. WoW! :-)
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