Posted on 03/17/2005 8:33:29 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs
Good one.
The Garda are the cops, and after an accident, you don't want to be drunk. The Irishman tricked the Englishman as well.
The Garda is the Irish National Police. The Englishman now reeks of Irish Whiskey so when the Garda . . . . .
"5. Shorthand Writing"
My mother used to write her Christmas shopping list in shorthand so we couldn't read it.
I learned Gregg Shorthand, and for years afterward, caught myself inserting shorthand into letters and notes to myself.
Two young Irish men had been out sleeping with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I have sex with a young lady. Please forgive me."
The priest said, "Tell me my son, who the young lady was." The young man said he couldn't do that and the priest said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mary Kelly?" asked the priest."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Ryan?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed hussey Brigid O'Reilly?"
"No."
"Well then," said the priest, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the young man met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
Actually the Turtle was, but Holland developed the first practical powered submarine.
Thanks for a good laugh.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name? Where was he from?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have committed impure acts with a loose woman."
Father O'Hanlon says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it is I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Maureen Fitzgerald?"
"No, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "Tommy, you're a true gentleman for protecting the young lady, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Thanks.
Legs, you posted my favorite Irish joke while I was still typing.
I will attempt to atone by listing the greatest Irish invention: Chairs and tables that can be left outside all summer, bearing the name of their Irish inventor: Paddy O'Furniture.
One summer's evening Paddy & Mick are on their way to the pub for their usual drink.
"Oim a bit tired tonight," says Mick. "Oi tink I'll just have a little lie down in this ditch and have a little sleep. You can wake me up on
your way home later."
"Roight, you are," says Paddy, and they separate.
At the end of the evening, Paddy comes out of the pub and starts walking back to collect Mick from his ditch. He hasn't gone far when Mick rolls up beside him driving a big shiny Volvo.
"Where did you get that lovely car from?!"
asks Paddy, astonished.
"Well, I'll tell you. It was loik this," says Mick.
"There Oi was lying in the ditch having a nice snooze and Oi had just turned over onto me other side when up drives a lovely lady in her nice new Volvo and asks me if I'd like to come for a drive with her. Well, Oi thought, why not? It's a lovely evening for a drive. So in Oi got. She drove along for a bit and then turned off into a field!
She got out of the car, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!" So Oi took the Volvo.
"Ah, well," says Paddy. "You did, right, Mick: the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you, anyway."
Enjoy the day.
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