Zookeeper gets to grips with Ireland's top ten greatest inventions. The Atom Bomb? Yep, apparently that was us...
The Top 10 Irish Inventions
1. The Submarine
Phillip John Holland was a Christian Brother who must have felt that there was more to life than beating the shite out of innocent schoolboys. He left his native Co. Clare in 1872 and went to the United States where in 1899, he invented the worlds first submarine- which he hoped in time would be used by the IRA against the British Navy. Unfortunately, the IRA thought it would be a better idea to raid a post office and Holland's hopes were dashed.
2. The Harpoon Gun
Thomas Nesbitt invented the harpoon gun in 1760 to pulverise some pesky whales who were making a nuisance of themselves around the Donegal coastline at the time. It used to really piss off old Tom the way they'd swim right next to his currach and spray water all over the gaff. "I'll sort you out ya bastards," he said. And he did.
3. The Atom Bomb
In 1944, the Japanese were feasting themselves on whalemeat and saying what great guys those Irish inventors were, when bish-bash-bosh, they're hit by an atom bomb - also developed (at least, indirectly) by an Irishman, Ernest Walton of Dungarvan in Co. Waterford. Apparently, it really pissed off old Roosevelt the way the Japs bombed Pearl Harbour. "I'll sort you out ya bastards," he said. And he did.
4. The Hypodermic Syringe
The next time you get a needle up the arse, save a little thought for Francis Rynd who invented that long, thin, sharp instrument which is jammed up your crack. In fairness to Francis, he developed the hypodermic syringe specifically for the injection of morphine, so the next time your house is burgled by heroine addicts...
5. Shorthand Writing
John Gregg of Monaghan invented shorthand writing in 1893, basing the system on the natural movements of the hand (steady on, boys). Shorthand writing was quickly adopted as a means of taking minutes and witness accounts. 110 years on and shorthand writing is about as popular as heiroglyphics
6. The Armoured Tank
In 1915, Walter Gordon Wilson invented the armoured tank on the commission of Winston Churchill. Churchill issued the commission on the basis that he wanted an armoured vehicle which was "capable of resisting bullets and shrapnel, crossing trenches, flattening barbed wire and negotiating the mud of no-mans land." In short, Churchill wanted something which would get him down Pearse Street in a hurry.
7. The Aircraft Ejector Seat
Legend has it that James Martin of County Down was sitting on a plane beside a woman nagging him about how she always had to pack the bags anytime they were flying anywhere, when he came up with the idea of the ejector seat. He perfected his invention in 1944 and the first successful ejection from a moving aircraft was made in 1946. Earphones have since replaced the ejector seat as the means of escaping nagging housewives on long-haul flights.
8. Soda Water
Soda Water was 'invented' by Robert Percival, Professor of Chemistry in Trinity College Dublin in 1900. Well, when I say the Top 10 inventions, I actually mean the Top 9...
9. The Monorail
The next time you hear reports about overspending on the Luas and think to yourself how we couldn't build a train if it was came in a box with Hornby written on it, consider Louis Brennan of Castlebar in County Mayo who invented the world's first monorail in 1907. The first time Brennan's design was put into use was on the Listowel to Ballybunion route in County Kerry so when you think about it, it couldn't have been that great an invention.
10. Colour Photography
The engineer, geologist and physicist, John Joly of Hollywood in County Offaly invented the first practical system of colour photography in 1894. Imagine inventing colour photography in Hollywood just before films are about to take off and then discovering that it's actually Hollywood in County Offaly. Some people just have no luck.
