Skip to comments.Root Causes, Homosexual Consequences
Posted on 06/10/2005 4:10:52 PM PDT by scripter
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Additionally, (I read this somewhere long ago and can't remember the source but it sure makes sense to me (Stockholm syndrome?)), the abused ends up with a lot of shame and guilt (what did I do to cause this to happen) and as a way of dealing with that shame and guilt you identify with your attacker. (well maybe since my attacker likes boys then it's really not as bad as I thought and maybe I'm supposed to like boys too). Oddly enough this works for both boys being molested by men, which we've seen leads to male homosexual attraction and girls being molested by men, which leads to female homosexual attraction.
He came to us with some gender identity confusion, for several reasons. (1) There were NO adult males at the orphanage, EVER (even all the doctors, truck drivers, etc that he encountered were all women) (2) He was delicate for medical reasons (endless series of ear and upper respiratory infections) and had a club foot, so he couldn't do all that bumble-puppy rough-and-tumble play, never "ran with the pack" with other boys; (3) meanwhile, he was cute and funny (darling little Asian amongst all the other orphans, who were Slavic Russians) and the girls always liked it when he played with them---
So when he came to us --- he was almost five --- he always wanted to dress up like a girl, he wanted to be the girl character in the video game (Princess Peach instead of Super Mario or whatever), he displayed distractingly feminine mannerisms, like a sashaying, hip-swaying walk, a kind of toss of his head and flirtatious fluttering of his eyelashes; even sometimes a high, simpering tone of voice that really bothered me.
My husband and I consulted some of the books cited by other FReepers above, about affirming and strengthening a boy's gender identity. We made sure he got (and gets) plenty of daddy-time with Mr. Don-o. We encouraged him to (literally) run in packs with his fellow home-schooling guy friends --- fortunately we're in the kind of neighborhood that boys can safely "run around" in.
As for the feminine dressing and the mannerisms, my husband and I thought it wisest just to let that pass without any comment one way or the other (except that I forbade him to get into my closet and flounce around in my blouses and skirts, etc.!) Instead, we accentuated the positive: encouraged him to wear Dad's hats, told him how great he looked in his older brother's T-shirts (even when they came down to his knees) etc.
Now he's 13 and he seems to be doing fine. A kind, comical, affectionate and sensitive personality; no more flouncing, simpering and sashaying; more interested in Marc Antony's sword and armor than in Cleopatra's flowing frocks; just a happy, XY-and-proud-of-it, testosterone-nuanced boy-o-boy. Good heavens, we're thankful for that.
Rule #5: Never Tell Your Mom Where You Drink.
>Homosexuality, later in life is the result of trauma in
Both the lesbians I befriended at Berkeley were molested by their brothers.
Ping - interesting read.
An old thread for certain!~ I was led to this by a couple other threads, read your fascinating post and wondered how you were making out with your son four years later?
His level of smouldering (sometimes fiery) misery was frightening to his dad and me, since we'd always rejoiced in his sunny nature. We persuaded him to see a counselor for awhile, paid for by our insurance plan, which seemed to help: I'm pretty sure the counselor focused on the depression and anger rather than "sexuality-as-a-problem" per se.
The counselor died suddenly and unexpectedly (heart attack). Sad and a painful jolt.
We encouraged Vanya to see another counselor, but choices were limited: the two who were on the insurance provider list in our town both seemed instantly unsatisfactory to him, and he didn't want to go back to either one of them after the initial interview (and we were OK with that: both of them actually seemed rather dubious. Actually, one of them seemed more than a little flaky.)
He tried free counseling at Catholic Social Services, but their counselor on staff is a woman, and Vanya said he didn't think a woman counselor would be of much help, an insight we understood and supported.
So that was the end of counseling.
He seems to have moved past the miserable and depressed part on his own. Thanks be to God. That's about all I can say at this point. He has friends (girls, sisterly it seems, and no male friends that I know of, but what can one say?), he's doing OK at school, and I don't question him about sexual feelings. I feel strongly bound to respect his privacy.
Whether he's "gay" or not, he is happier, for which we thank God.
His older brother Ben, our Marine, will be back from Iraq in two weeks, and I wonder whether he embodies the exotic-unattainable-confident-hunky-masculine-ideal which makes Vanya feel like he'll never make the grade. He doesn't talk about it. I just wonder. Your prayers would be appreciated.
Probably why they made the list -- the carrier's green-eyeshade men's ideal counselor, not making it but hey, he's cheap.
Did you ever look into the possibility of surgery or orthotics for Vanya's club foot? It was the source of the problem (imho). That and addressing him by the more formal version of his name, Ivan (pron. as in Russian), instead of the diminutive form, Vanya (which in the US is sometimes given to girls -- or in a case I knew, to a female tabby cat). Surgery plus simultaneous name change => helpful?
Best wishes to you all.